23 Soul Walker
Soul Walker
soulwalker.jpg?w=250
Air Date: August 3, 2015 Episode Link
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Hosts: Arnie, Chunt, Usidore Guests: Soul Walker
Producers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Editor: Evan Jacover Theme Music: Andy Poland Episode Art: Ross Bryant
Additional Sound Effects: Mike Koenig via soundbible.com
Sponsored by: Bit Bash via The Chicago Podcast Cooperative

Description

"I thought we’d finally do an Earth Stuff episode, but an unexpected guest showed up. I still think Blemish might be creepier, though."

Summary

As Usidore gently ribs Arnie for sleeping with a memory gremlin on the last episode, Arnie suggests they may talk about Earth stuff soon (including Smashmouth). Just then a Soul Walker, a creature affiliated with The Dark Lord, enters the Vermilion Minotaur. It is there to see what Arnie is doing. It is made up of 13 separate souls (far more than the 7 that Usidore expected), each one a different person, including one from the Northeast and at least one elf. Usidore tries to cast a spell to stop it, but the Soul Walker retaliates with a spell that sews Usidore's mouth shut. The Soul Walker speaks with all of its souls, each one speaking one word at a time, which Arnie compares to an improv exercise. Chunt cuts open Usidore's mouth, and he asks what the Soul Walker has come for. He reveals that the Dark Lord's attention is fully on Arnie because he has travelled between worlds. They attempt to form a plan to defeat the Soul Walker: Arnie suggests they try to persuade one of the souls to refuse to cooperate with the group mind; Usidore slips the Soul Walker a supposedly "magic" rock and says its magic will eventually defeat the Soul Walker.

In an attempt to divide the Soul Walker, they ask it if it has a favorite soul. It doesn't, but it brings one forth anyway: Crispix, who was a troubadour in the realm of Grimfallon, asked the Dark Lord for the talent to become the realm's greatest rim horn player. After he says that a career paying the rim horn is a "rim job", Chunt protests that Crispix is a pervert and asks for a new soul to come forth. The Soul Walker obliges: Jarrix was a man that loved a woman that did not love him back, and asked for glamours to seduce her; in payment, he gave up their first born son. The Soul Walker then comes back together, and tempts each of the hosts with a gift if they will only serve the Dark Lord:

  • Arnie is offered Sarah in return for help the Dark Lord travel through dimensions, although it wouldn't be the real Sarah but a new one made up of dismembered corpses using the necromantic powers of the Ogg'Sharoths
  • Usidore is offered to be made rich with mercy & gifts in exchange for aiding the Dark Lord harness and control The Void; Usidore realizes it would make him the most powerful wizard in all of Foon, but Arnie points out that he'd just fuck it up
  • Chunt wants 10 11 buttholes, but everyone points out that he would be an abomination (albeit the kind that the Dark Lord would revel in), and instead says his price is a nude picture of Queen Titania covered in milk

While explaining this, the Soul Walker says Ogg'Sharoth three times, summoning a tiny demon with four buttholes and a tiny hat.

Usidore then casts a light spell against the Soul Walker, and it devolves into a magic battle. Arnie interrupts and asks if one of the souls hates The Dark Lord enough to give them a clue about defeating the Dark Lord. It refuses, but in refusing it becomes clear that one of the souls is rebelling against the other 12. (Usidore says it's also because of his magic rock.) Then, inspired by Scooby-Doo, Arnie tries to rip the "mask" off the Soul Walker, but since it isn't wearing one, he simply rips off its head and 12 more heads pop up, so they put its head back on. However, that allows one of the souls to come forth and tells them the secret to defeat the Soul Walker: erase the rune on its forehead. It has more to say, but before it can, Arnie rubs it off and the Soul Walker is defeated, with parts of its 13 corpses strewn about the Vermilion Minotaur. Chunt keeps the summoned demon as a pet, and they start cleaning up the Soul Walker bits.

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We find out that the Vermilion Minotaur is somewhat similar to either a not-quite-as-nice version of the Union, or like the Smiling Skull, which are bars at Ohio University. Coincidentally, there is also an actual Smiling Skull that performs on Chunt's Night.

Foon Sponsor

Today's sponsor is Otok Barleyfoot for the Vermilion Minotaur. The rumor of the week is that the Smouldering Widow is a festering stinkhole that is terrible at mittens and bonepins.

Additional Appearances

Earth References

Notes

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