Season 1, Ep 30 - The Midwife
The Midwife
Hello from the Magic Tavern episode
Air date September 28, 2015
Episode no. S01E30
Episode Link
Hosts Arnie, Chunt, Usidore
Guests Uteriah Valasuvius the Midwife
Producers Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Associate Producer {$associateproducer}
Editor Ryan DiGiorgi
Logo Allard Laban
Theme music Andy Poland
Audio assistance Jason Knox
Production assistance Garrett Schultz
Know Your Company via The Chicago Podcast Cooperative
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"The Midwife" is the thirtieth episode of season one of Hello from the Magic Tavern. It was originally released on September 28, 2015. This episode features Nicky Margolis as Uteriah Valasuvius the Midwife.


"I’m starting to get the sense that Chunt might not actually like me at all. Maybe we’ll patch things up this week while we interview a magical midwife. I have so many questions about midwifery on Foon"


While Usidore is in the wizard zone, Arnie strangely refers to Chunt as his "co-worker" and "peer". Arnie says it's because he has finally noticed that Chunt doesn't really like him. Usidore suggests that Arnie attend a Chunt's Night, which Arnie seems reluctant to do. Chunt says that he does like him, and his impression of Earth celebrity Joe Pesci, and reads a touching limerick about Arnie. The limerick calls Arnie a goon, which confuses Arnie, until Usidore explains that being a "goon" is a good thing in Foon, and laments that his beloved Jyn'Leeviyah never called him a "goon".

They are so focused on this that they almost their guest: Uteriah Valasuvius, a magical midwife. She describes the Foonish practice of midwifery, which involves the midwife literally taking over for the mother halfway through the pregnancy, and goes into detail about the process, including commentary on using drugs recommended by the Surgeon General to ease pain. Chewing on certain flowers that grow on weeds can help and is safe for the baby, although you should talk to any flower you see for 20 minutes to make sure it isn't sentient. We learn about the great god Pitocin and his role in the process, and the Festival of Cunnilinga. Uteriah has been involved in the birth many different kinds of creatures, including a Great Blue Tiger, and she notices that Usidore has kind eyes and could be trained to be an excellent midwife's assistant. Arnie is accidentally offensive by using the term "vaginal" (whereas on Foon, the polite term is "birth cavity", among others).

After the email break, Arnie apologizes for not being a better friend, and excuses his absence at Chunt's Night by saying he's not used to people attending his improv shows. Usidore correctly guesses that "improv" is short for "improvisation", whereas Uteriah guesses that it has something to do with imps. Usidore says "improv" sounds terrible to see, because it sounds too much like questing to him. However, Chunt says he'd love to see a show like that, and invites the user to email him and invite him to their improv show.


  • A listener points out that the narrator is always talking shit about the show. Arnie has no idea what he is talking about.
  • A listener asks if Foon has any glowing trees, because they love glowing trees. Foon has trees of every color of the rainbow, trees that glow in the dark, and trees that glow during the day (though it's impossible to tell unless you ask the tree).
  • A listener wants to hear a Chunt's Night episode, and offers to tap dance at the show if they can ever get to Foon. The phrase "tap dancing" is unknown in Foon, and Usidore suggests that it's when you dance while trying to get syrup out of a tree.
  • A listener, Carol Hunt from a "Six Tees" screen printing company complains that she gets emails for Chunt. (Presumably, her email is moc.liamg|seetxistnuhc#moc.liamg|seetxistnuhc.)

Foon sponsor

Today's sponsor is Bungaree Chubbins, who says that if you want a fancy and expensive chamber pot, you can go to Penhaligon's Pretty Potties, but if you want simpler ones, come to Chubbins' Chamber Pots & So Forth.

Earth references

  • Goonies
  • Wheaties cereal
  • Pitocin
  • Cunnilingus
  • Clitoris
  • “Single Ladies” — Beyoncé
  • Buffy the Vampire Slayer
  • Angel
  • Maple syrup tapping
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