46 Assassin
Assassin
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Air Date: January 25, 2016 Episode Link
Previous Episode Episode 46 Next Episode
Hosts: Arnie, Chunt, Usidore Guests: An Assassin
Producers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Editor: Chris Rathjen Theme Music: Andy Poland Logo: Allard Laban
Additional Sound Effects: Jason Knox
Sponsored by: Field Notes via The Chicago Podcast Cooperative

Description

"No guest this week. Looks like another Boys Ni–wait, who’s this guy at our table?"

Summary

Chunt is sad because a little old lady friend of his, Krebeccak ("Rebecca with a K") was found mutilated last night, and they aren't sure if it was werewolves or not. She was always very kind to Chunt, giving him and other animals treats. Chunt and Arnie hug it out, and Usidore is excited about it. Chunt finds Arnie's wallet and asks about his license and Earth money. They were going to have another Boys Night, but instead a guest mysteriously sits at their table.

The stranger is searching for someone on the lam. Usidore asks if he's a cop (Usidore claims that he has to tell him if he is), and Usidore a stroke while trying to explain what a "cop" is. The stranger revives him forcefully but effectively. The stranger shows them a drawing and asks if they've seen the person in the drawing. The drawing is exceptionally crude, but Usidore thinks it looks like someone that hangs out at The Smouldering Widow, a seedier bar in Hogsface (and has another stroke while explaining this). They ask the stranger what his name is, and he replies that only those who pay for his services are told that. Usidore guesses Hank (always the first guess), which is closer than anyone has ever gotten to guessing his name. Usidore states his name, and has yet another stroke while doing so. The stranger finally reveals that he is an assassin.

Usidore says he finally recognizes the picture, it is a man who was friends (with benefits) with Krebeccak. The stranger starts crying because he was going through town trying to find his target last night, and killed five people, including Krebeccak, mistaking them for his quarry. Chunt correctly guesses that the stranger's name is Honk, and they start joking about the name. Honk says he mistakenly killed those five people because he was tired and upset.

After the break, Honk explains that a nightwolf came up to him in the South Bay with a parchment around his neck. The parchment explained that a bookstore manager walked off the job two hours into his shift, and the boss of the bookstore wanted him dead. Honk tells the story of one of his previous assassinations, where he followed a guy for three weeks, and then got to a river crossing. As he was taking his blade out, he decided instead to drown him in the river by putting rocks in his pants. As he was drowning, Honk removed all of his target's clothes and proceeded to impersonate him. After explaining what a Best Buy is (it's a lot like a Merkin's), Honk finally levels with them: he is there to kill Usidore. The drawing and the story about the bookstore were merely a ruse. Honk tries to stab Usidore, and does so expertly, but unfortunately wizards are impervious to stabbing. Honk cries, asks Arnie to kill him, and whispers that he wants "her" back: a girl named Solar.

It turns out Can the Wizard hired Honk to kill Usidore because he's still upset about not getting a wedding gift, and in fact Usidore had no idea Can was even married. Usidore promises to get Can a wonderful wedding gift, thus nullifying Honk's contract. Chunt asks what "TGIF" means, and Arnie explains that it is "TGI Friday's". Chunt suggests that it stands for "That Gremlin I Fucked", and Usidore is upset because he never finds out what the "TGI" part means.

Emails

  • A listener is upset that Arnie doesn't get much fan mail, so he says Arnie is his favorite, and he loves all the Earth stuff jokes. He thinks Arnie doesn't sound 40, and instead seems young and hip. Chunt and Usidore accuse Arnie of having written the email to himself.
  • A listener asks for permission to call Chunt "Chu Chu" in a future email. Permission granted.
  • What would happen if Chunt fucked a memory gremlin? Chunt never answers, but we find out Honk's brother is a shapeshifter.
  • A listener suggests that the portal may have in fact copied Arnie into Foon instead of transporting him, which would explain why there is an Arnie going around Earth right now. Arnie says it sounds very "Farscape Season 3" and Usidore suggests that because copies are inferior, the Arnie on Foon is the copy.

Foon Sponsor

Bungaree Chubbins' store Chamber Pots & So Forth. He explains that the "so forth" includes spittoons, booger banks (for the young ones), and hooks for menses rags.

Additional Appearances

Trivia

Ugly and unsavory people can be found at Smoldering Widow, another tavern in Foon.

Earth References

Milk-Bone
"I Put a Spell on You," Screamin Jay Hawkins

Notes

Behind the Scenes

Usidore, Arnie, Honk, Chunt
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