Season 1, Ep 5 – Foon's Greatest Swordsman
Foon's Greatest Swordsman
Hello from the Magic Tavern episode
Air date April 6, 2015
Episode no. S01E05
Episode Link
Hosts Arnie, Usidore
Guests Jack Vorpal
Producers Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Associate Producer {$associateproducer}
Editor Ryan DiGiorgi
Logo Allard Laban
Theme music Andy Poland
Audio assistance Jason Knox
Production assistance Garrett Schultz
Cards Against Humanity via The Chicago Podcast Cooperative
Episode chronology
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"The FML" "The Vermilion Minotaur"
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"Foon's Greatest Swordsman" is the fifth episode of season one of Hello from the Magic Tavern. It was originally released on April 6, 2015. This episode features the first appearance of Sean Kelly as the eponymous swordsman, Jak Vorpal.


Wow! The greatest swordsman in all of Foon is going to be at the Vermilion Minotaur today and I get to interview him! I can’t wait to hear all about his adventures. First the commissioner of the Foon Mittens League and now Jak Vorpal! I’m basically the Ryan Seacrest of Foon.


Chunt is missing today, and Arnie doesn't know where he is. Usidore guesses he's probably molting. Arnie wonders what the seasons are like in Foon. Usidore explains there are six seasons: Winter (which is the current season), followed by Blunder, Spring, Summer, Vwishtash, and Fall.

Jak Vorpal is Foon's greatest swordsman, so it's pretty exciting to have him as a guest on the show. However, he has since hung up his sword and become a baker.

He explains how there is only one greatest swordsman in Foon at any given time, who you can always identify by a marlin tattoo. To become the greatest swordsman in Foon, you must find a magic sword, then defeat the current greatest swordsman.

Jak goes on to explain about how magic swords reproduce — they have sword sex — before explaining why he decided to give up adventuring and open a bakery. It turns out that Jak massacred an entire race of creatures known as the Smorps and hasn't been able to live with himself since. Usidore asks Jak if he will fight the Dark Lord, but Jak refuses because he likes the tax code implemented by the Dark Lord.

Arnie wraps up by answering some e-mail where a listener asks if there is a "map of Boon."


A full transcript is available at Hello From the Magic Tavern - All the Words: Episode 5 – Foon's Greatest Swordsman

Earth References


Chunt does not appear in this episode.

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