60 Confidential Courier
Confidential Courier
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Air Date: May 2, 2016 Episode Link
Previous Episode Episode 60 Next Episode
Hosts: Arnie, Chunt, Usidore Guests: Jimminent Turlybirther the Confidential Courier
Producers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Editor: Chris Rathjen Theme Music: Andy Poland Logo: Allard Laban
Additional Sound Effects: Jason Knox

Description

"This week we talk to Jimminent Turlybirther, the Confidential Courier. What’s he couriering? We’ll see if he’ll confide."

Summary

Arnie finds a big green wizard hat! Arnie takes the hat off, only to find a “hare as yellow as corn”. Well…close enough? Usidore brings Chunt a mystical geode. If he has sex with the geode under his pillow for the next week, he will be cured.

Arnie does end up asking someone with blonde hair for some hair, even though he was really creepy about it.

This week’s guest is Jimminent Turlybirther, the confidential courier. AKA Jim Courier.

His fans are “birthers”.

He can’t talk about his packages, they are confidential.

Arnie wants to know some of the past packages though. His favorite package was the blue rock of the sea from Percy Tumbledirth to his wife’s captor, who he then beheaded (bonus!). The scrolls of Oomfine(?) is another package, but it’s in a secret place. Usidore wants to know where it is so he tries to magic him to tell him where it is…oh, no…Usidore was actually just being polite.

He also took on behalf of a great duke in the west the Dimplesphere of Evil. He put it in a hole and covered it with leaves.

The second he takes a sip of any alcohol he will spill exactly what he’s carrying, so he mustn’t. He mustn’t!

He does anyway.

He’s carrying the secret beads of Furlingshire: two beads that when used properly can solve any dilemma and offer you the solution. But you need to remember two things:

-Unlock them in the precise way:
-Transport them in the precise way:

Otherwise you will be turned into a mist, doomed to roam Foon as a mist forever.

Origin story:
They were first found in the Hailbarren Creek by Nyst: the god of the Feeple people. Some say they were directly pulled out of a volcano by Lord Toplemirth. Then he turned into a cow, then a wolf, then an owl, then a mouse, then Rodan of Furlingshire.

They are very particular about how to open them, so for a while they were also called “anal beads”.

As for carrying them, Arnie is guessing you need to carry them in your butt. As a shock to no one, Arnie is correct.

To activate the beads, you put them in your mouth and you speak what your quandary is. You can’t wash them off or else you will turn into a mist.

The boys argue over who should use the beads. On one hand, Chunt is dying. On the other hand, Arnie wants to get home.

Arnie tries to fish out the secret beads out of his butthole, but uh…there are no beads. It was a rouse! He was just a pervert! Arnie feels betrayed.

Emails

From Eliza – Chunt, would you like to go to prom with me?

Answer: Well, since April 30th has already passed…no, sorry.

From Chloe – Wizard of the 12th Realm of Feces?

Answer: He’ll try it out.

From Richard Go – Here’s an Earth Logic puzzle: You and three friends (Chunt, Arnie, and a Memory Gremlin) are trying to cross a river using a ferry. However, the ferry can only carry you and one other person at a time. What’s more, you can’t leave Chunt alone with Arnie or they’ll start arguing. You also can’t leave Arnie alone with Memory Gremlin or they’ll start fucking. Blah blah blah…what do you do?

Chunt’s Answer: Kill Arnie, put him face down in the water. Put the Memory Gremlin on Chunt’s back and float across the water.

Usidore’s Answer: A man.

Foon Sponsor

Additional Appearances

Earth References

Jack and the Beanstalk
anal beads
Jared & the Mill
Dirty Heads
Stephen King
99 problems
Red sky at night, sailor delight; red sky at morning; sailor take warning
Snake colors rhyme
Be kind, rewind
Cotton Eye’d Joe
Sierra Mist
Princess Peach and Bowser’s castle
Hamilton (I may not live to see tomorrow, but I will gladly join this fight)

Notes

Behind the Scenes

Usidore, Arnie, Jimminent, Chunt
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