77 The Baron and the Frog
The Baron and the Frog
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Air Date: August 29, 2016 Episode Link
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Hosts: Arnie, Chunt, Usidore Guests: Baron Ragoon, Squibbert
Producers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Editor: Ryan DiGiorgi Theme Music: Andy Poland Logo: Allard Laban
Audio Assistance: Jason Knox
Production Assistance: Garrett Schultz
Sponsored by: Cards Against Humanity, Mack Weldon, Dungeons & Dragons, and Drunks & Dragons

Description

"This week I’m excited to meet Foon’s first Unicorn dentist."

Summary

Arnie opens the show as usual. When he introduces Chunt, his voice sounds a little off and Arnie calls him out on it. Turns out the badgers kicked him in the junk “as a prank,” but they’re obviously upset that he’s still alive. Arnie is a little worried about him.

Usidore still has his feather beard from Germ Crust the make-up artist, which prompts him to talk about how much he loves birds and not starlings. Arnie asks him what his deal is with starlings, and he explains that he had big plans to go to the council of starlings, right? Pyrotechnics, magical delights, the whole shebang. But he gets there and they say they have other plans for the weekend, making him look like an asshole, no birds in sight. Fuck starlings.

As they continue talking, we hear some angry chattering from a table of badgers on the other side of the tavern. Chunt isn’t worried about it but Arnie definitely is.

But they digress, Arnie turns back to introduce their guest: the first unicorn dentist of Foon, Fizzle von Pizzlewich— wait, Baron Ragoon?

Fizzle von Pizzlewich has been detained, as they are trying to recruit him to the side of the Dark Lord. Clearly the Baron is evil, but Arnie doesn’t want to be rude and invites him to sit with them at the table. Chunt notices a frog sitting on the Baron’s shoulder, who turns out to be a talking frog named Squibbert who’s a spy for the Dark Lord.

The Baron and Squibbert are here in the tavern because the Dark Lord has become increasingly interested in Arnie and his dimension, and the Baron is supposed to get more information from him.

But of course, Arnie, Chunt, and Usidore are much more interested in asking their guests questions than answering any. Squibbert explains that anyone can touch her, but if they lick her she has psychodelic properties. She also calls Baron Ragoon “Goon,” much like Arnie calls his friends his “goon companions.” They’re not so different, are they?

Chunt almost immediately gets brainwashed by the Baron’s politeness again, so Arnie calls a huddle to make sure they’re all on the same page vis a vis fighting evil. The Baron calls his own huddle with Squibbert so that they can also be in a huddle. While they talk in their own huddles, the table of badgers starts huddling up too. There’s so much huddling going on in this tavern right now!

Chunt makes a plan in their huddle. First, Usidore goes under the table to distract them… and that’s all he’s got. Arnie tries to argue but Usidore is already under the table.

A chair squeaks and Arnie turns back to the Baron and quite directly asks the Baron what his plan is. Ragoon is a little wary to run his mouth as much as he did last time, and Squibbert pipes up to say that she is reporting everything the Baron says directly back to the Dark Lord, so if he says anything he’ll be in trouble.

Usidore interrupts them from under the table asking for some paper or some wood so he can do a hotfoot on the Baron, then retreats under the table again. He continues to pop up from under the table to interject his thoughts to Arnie before “retreating into the shadows.” At one point the Baron gives Chunt a 4 day old parfait as a gift.

They all talk for a little longer, the Baron discussing how practical his evil is and how he’d like to marry Pricess Trachea Arealia, before Usidore shouts that he can “take it no longer!” He gets out from underneath the table, revealing that he has accidentally set his beard on fire. Putting it out, he tries to tell the Baron off for being evil before being interrupted.

The Baron responds with the logic that he is only trying to help people, and that his desire to marrying into the Belaroth family is motivated by the possibility that he might be able to get his son Shangleberth back.

Chunt calls another huddle to ask Usidore what went wrong with the hot foot, but they accidentally pull the Baron into it as well and have to frantically re-huddle. Once they’re alone, Usidore admits that he burned off most of his feather beard.

They turn back to the Baron and Squibbert before taking their ad break.

When they come back, the Baron once again begins talking about the Dark Lord and how great he is, while Squibbert kind of crushes his hopes that the Dark Lord listens to or cares about him. Usidore sees his opportunity and asks Squibbert to go to the bar so that they can talk to the Baron alone. Chunt asks her to also take the parfait the Baron gave him over the to badger table as a gift from their king.

Usidore zeros in on the Baron once Squibbert is gone, urging him to reconsider his alliance with the Dark Lord now that Squibbert herself has told him he doesn’t care about him. The Baron responds by telling a story of his childhood. He knows he means nothing to the Dark Lord, which Arnie insinuates is “his thing” and that “he likes it.” Usidore ignores this, and continues to ask the Baron if he will join him on his quest. He doesn’t answer, as he gets distracted by another train of thought (read: Arnie).

They go on a tangent talking about which of the Baron’s children might be married off next. His oldest, Shangleberth, obviously isn’t an option, and the next choice is Jayme and Sayme, who “just can’t keep their hands off each other.” Yeah.

Squibbert comes back with the parfait sent back by the badgers. They spit and peed in it :(

While Chunt and Squibbert are talking, the Baron pulls Arnie and Usidore into their own huddle. Arnie says that in their huddles, they usually tell secrets. The Baron whispers that he really loves the Dark Lord. Arnie and Usidore groan. Usidore asks him again if the Baron will join his quest, but he denies it once again.

Chunt pulls Squibbert into another huddle. He tries to get more information on how they can fight the Dark Lord, but gets distracted and licks Squibbert, going into a psychedelic, hyper state. She tells Arnie that the come down from his high is going to be pretty slow and sad, and when it hits Chunt he realizes that the badgers don’t like him. He decides to go and talk to them, which is definitely a mistake in his hopped up state.

Squibbert explains to Usidore that she doesn’t really care about politics, she’s just doing her job when she reports back to the dark lord. Usidore uses this information to try and pull the Baron over to his side again, but he again refuses.

Arnie asks the Baron about his traveling party, and the Baron explains that he usually travels with a few of his bastards, mostly Hank (who we know is actually Tomblain Belaroth in disguise).

Arnie pulls Usidore into a huddle to explain this when Chunt comes back dazed and covered in his own shit. He starts to cry.

Usidore goes back to try and ask the Baron a question that doesn’t have to do with the Dark Lord, but all he can come up with is “Do you like birds?” Turns out the Baron loves birds! He’s actually trained by D’Angelo Capricious, who is another one of Tomblains personas in Shrike.

Chunt continues to come down off his high, so Arnie gives him a little red potion to drink. He guzzles it down and licks Squibbert again, ramping right back up to his hyper active state. Usidore casts a sleep spell on Chunt.

Usidore tries to bribe Squibbert with a rock for information on what the Dark Lord knows about Arnie. She reveals that what he really wants to know is how Arnie travels dimensions. Unfortunately, Arnie doesn’t even know how that works.

Chunt wakes up in a rush, and Squibbert tells him he’s going to have the best sleep of his life tonight. He licks her again and zips up to his high.

Arnie turns back to his packages though, and when he mentions that they’re from another world the Baron and Squibbert become very interested. The first package has some Oscar Mayer whistles inside, which the Baron quickly offers information on the Dark Lord in exchange for an object from the other world. Arnie agrees, and the Baron tells him that the Dark Lord has been meeting with the Queen of the Goblins.

Usidore’s package has Magic the Gathering cards inside of it. What’s wild is that it was a sealed package and there’s both a Charging Badger card AND a card that just says Bird on it. It’s a sign…. of what, I couldn’t tell you.

New Characters

Fizzle von Pizzlewich

Earth References

Behind the Scenes

The Baron and the Frog
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Chunt, Arnie, Baron, Squibbert, Usidore
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