Season 1, Ep 79 – Real Estate Agent
Real Estate Agent
Hello from the Magic Tavern episode
Air date September 12, 2016
Episode no. S01E79
Episode Link
Hosts Arnie, Chunt, Usidore
Guests Axelrod ReMax the Real Estate Agent
Producers Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Associate Producer {$associateproducer}
Editor Evan Jacover
Logo Allard Laban
Theme music Andy Poland
Audio assistance Jason Knox
Production assistance Garrett Schultz
Cards Against Humanity and Casper Mattresses (offer code: MAGICTAVERN)
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"Real Estate Agent" is the seventy-ninth episode of season one of Hello from the Magic Tavern. It was originally released on September 12, 2016.


"You should never cross a dragon, a wizard, a flower, or my next guest…"


Chunt announces he’s concerned about Arnie being so far from his family, so he’s set him up on a date with one of the unwed mothers, Daphne. A discussion of their respective love lives and Chunt’s current drought is interrupted by Usidore, who insists on shouting his full name while they try to stop him, then chides Arnie for turning down the date and making the unwed mother cry. In the course of explaining she’s very attractive and he’s very married, Arnie accidentally gives himself the nickname “Fat Shaggy”, which immediately catches on.

Usidore says that he’s been traveling by night because the sun bothers him, and Arnie points out that he’s extremely pale. Usidore is then suspiciously inquisitive about Chunt for Red October. Arnie acknowledges that they probably should be asking questions, but they move on anyway.

Arnie announces that their guest is one of the creatures in Foon he was told you should never cross; not a wizard, flower, or dragon, but a real estate agent. Chunt attempts to cross Usidore by making the sign of the cross (which cross? don’t worry about it), causing him to start sizzling, which is probably a bad sign. They conclude he hates math.

Both Chunt and Usidore warn Arnie to be careful interviewing Axelrod ReMax, and to mind his Ps and Qs (his Penis and his Questions).

Axelrod is introduced and admits that he already knows of Usidore, as he’s in Hogsface to assess his hovel; but not to sell it. He then unsubtly admits his client wants to know where Usidore sleeps for purposes of having him assassinated. Usidore tries to outbid this confidential client with three magic rocks (one giving the confidence of four bears, one with the power of “nearly half a centimeter” of flight, and one that makes you irresistible to anyone you want to romance). Axelrod accepts them against the payment plan on a series of gems the other bidder had offered, to maybe buy Usidore more time.

As they press him for more information, Axelrod explains he’s employed by one of the wealthiest men in Foon, the Cold Well Banker, who naturally lives at the bottom of a cold well. His assessments focus more on aiding in theft and tailing people than real estate. He confirms that it pays very well, and that he does smell like freshly baked cookies.

Axelrod pitches hiring Chunt to shapeshift into something small to sneak under doors and report back, offering payment in a series of coins (more valuable than non-serial coins). They discuss new Foonian coins featuring landmarks from different regions (e.g. Fingaria – the Great Castle, which has a portcullis of falcon bones). Chunt chides Arnie for not minding his Qs, pointing out that Axelrod has a dagger; Axelrod overhears and says he’d never hurt anyone who can offer him something. They go to a sponsor break while Arnie tries to think of anything.

Arnie isn’t sure what he he can offer of value so Axelrod suggests he might feed his Escrow, which is obviously a crow with spinal issues he uses to ferry messages. Arnie asks for clarification on their care, and I fail to understand jokes about finance involving fragility and constant feeding. He subsequently offers Axelrod an Oscar Meyer weiner whistle from Earth, which Axelrod concludes could be useful for summoning escrows.

Axelrod confirms to a worried Usidore that he’s communicated via Escrow with his wife Trulia, and the bid of three magic stones is enough to keep him safe…for now. Arnie pushes to learn who the initial bidder was, and Axelrod reveals it was an agent of competing real estate agency Centaur 21. Usidore admonishes Arnie for asking if there are 21 Centaurs, and Chunt insists on checking him for red potion which he claims he has not had.

Attempting to go back to real estate from murder, Chunt asks Axelrod whether he could find a better place for Arnie to live than the Vermilion Minotaur and how the process would work. Axelrod poses a “hypothetical” that if Arnie found a home he liked, someone could be brought in to remove the current owner, but also assures him that he doesn’t need any renters insurance to protect himself from the reverse situation. Arnie inquires why the centaurs would want to kill Usidore, and he clarifies they’ve never even given him a name, though Axelrod confirms he’s known to the real estate agents as Rackloom.

Arnie asks Axelrod about his personal life; he says intends to enjoy the pumpkin festival while he’s in town scouting for murder, and that his interests are walking, nature, buildings, and spectacle. Axelrod finally confirms that the weiner whistle will buy Arnie a “series of seasons” before his life is under threat, and that the other bidder for Usidore’s life was the Dark Lord, which suddenly seems very obvious to them.


Chunt reads an email from Adam, who calls Chunt out for saying he’d never been a cat and contradicting himself from an earlier episode. Answer: he explains he’s been the animal, but never a (Cat)herine.

They then play a round of Cat (the animal), or Cat (a woman), or Doctor. Everyone wins but Arnie.

Arnie reads an email from Brian McKinney, asking if there are demogorgons in Foon. Answer: Chunt confirms that they have two headed monsters called demogorgons, but fails to confirm any details about them that would encourage Arnie’s Stranger Things references.

Arnie reads another email from Brad Simkulet, whose daughter Scout wants to snail mail a message to Arnie’s wife and daughter. Answer: Arnie decides to trust them and says that he’ll email an address.

Additional appearances

Foon sponsor

Tannakin for Save the Pinglets.

Earth references

Behind the scenes

Real Estate Agent
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Chunt, Axelrod Remax, Arnie, Usidore
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