81 Siren
Siren
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Air Date: October 3, 2016 Episode Link
Previous Episode Episode 81 Next Episode
Hosts: Arnie, Chunt, Usidore Guests: Ursula Gurney, the Siren
Producers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Editor: Garrett Schultz Theme Music: Andy Poland Logo: Allard Laban
Audio Assistance: Jason Knox
Production Assistance: Garrett Schultz
Sponsored by: Cards Against Humanity

Description

"Let this week’s episode be a song that draws you in. You’ll be okay."

Summary

Chunt kicks off the podcast with a new catchphrase he’s just thought up, "zip zap zop", and they delve into his catchphrase development process (which is wandering around town making noises with his mouth). He then announces he’s brought a game in his brain. Usidore has to do his intro twice due to ironic clapping from Chunt and Arnie. Chunt calls for an encore, in which Usidore releases the bird trapped in his beard.

Chunt introduces his game, “20 Statements”, asking them to guess what he’s thinking with 20 statements between them. Usidore inexplicably guesses he wants more barbeque sauce after five tries. Chunt claims, to Arnie’s shock, that’s about average. Arnie insists they play again. On the first guess, Usidore correctly says Chunt wants a piece of wood attached to another piece of wood to make a smacking noise (a “slapstick”). Chunt is dismayed at Arnie’s inability to get a childs’ game and insists on one more round, but Usidore wins again before Arnie can even finish his statement.

An exasperated Arnie moves on to their guest, the siren Ursula Gurney, with whom they’re immediately enamored as she is their first guest to open by calling them fun and cool. Usidore takes drink orders, and Arnie has to confess he can’t have a red ale because of his red potion problem.

They learn Ursula was actually kicked out of the sirens, which she describes as an exclusive club. As part of their training, she was expected to woo and then kill creatures; but in spite of having killed previously, she kept using her sisters to finish the deed. She was recruited into the sirens when her sailing team family landed on the siren’s island, where the men were killed but she and her sisters were spared.

Arnie becomes uncomfortable about the number of guests who’ve killed people. Chunt says that not only has he killed before, he’s killed a family member. He then tells a story that when he was a child his father the hunger ghost played a prank, telling him Chunt’s uncle was responsible for his death. Young Chunt poured poison in his uncle’s ear and he died. Arnie chooses to criticize the poison delivery method rather than the murder, so Usidore breaks out his supposed classic pre-Arnie saying “poison can go anywhere”. Usidore claims Arnie has softened him.

Arnie asks Ursula whether it’s awkward in the siren community that she doesn’t like killing. She replies they’ve in fact been calling her names, but that she does really love singing songs with them and doing charity work in the coastal communities.

Chunt asks Ursula to demonstrate her technique by wooing Arnie, who agrees after she convinces him he won’t die. Her song successfully makes him get out of his chair and walk over to the other side of the table. Usidore whispers to Ursula that if she does kill Arnie, he does want some of the blood, then awkwardly tries to cover.

Arnie asks for more details on why she’s been kicked out of the sirens. She explains she’s kind of an outsider because she’s nice and doesn’t want to participate in the catty infighting. Chunt mentions in his 20s he went to a siren party, and they really know how to have a good time. Ursula agrees, so Arnie wants to know what to expect if he were to go. Ursula says the sirens have a lot of great “aerial” artists. Ursula says she loves to sing but she’s always kicked off the mic; sirens’ singing improves the more victims they have. Arnie asks how many she’s killed already; 500, which she insists is low.

Usidore asks if the Dean of the Coastline, Aloysius Fontaine, ever tried to kick her out of Siren House. They agree the Dean is terrible, and Arnie comments that Ursula seems sad. She opens up about her distress at thinking she’d found a community and losing it. Usidore and Chunt prompt Arnie for his trademark question, “what’s next?” She says she’d like to have a farm away from the coast, and Arnie is concerned when Usidore comments on “blood-filled” animals, but he insists he’s fine.

Chunt moves the conversation along by asking about Ursula’s tattoo. She explains they all have a tattoo of the bell that’s rung when new recruits arrive. She also has a bell for when they kill someone on her thigh, because the sirens have a bell for everything. She was kicked out partly for confusion over which bell meant what. Usidore and Chunt make fun of Arnie’s bell noises and they go to a break to sort him out.

Arnie asks why sirens kill people and they all agree it’s a dumb question. Ursula explains that in addition to improving singing skills it keeps them young; she’s 2,000 years old. Now that she’s away the effects will wear off, and they notice she looks different than when she sat down. Arnie is upset when Chunt tries to hook him up with Ursula and he again has to insist he’s married.

Alarmed at the rate of her aging, they learn that sirens have to kill more than one person a day, or as many as 20-30. Chunt asks whether their songs are distinctive; she says there are several standards but they can put their own spin. Usidore brings up blood again, prompting Ursula to explain howt a chef siren prepares the dead bodies for them all to eat.

Ursula is rapidly deteriorating, and a worried Usidore suggests she might be happier going back to the sirens. Arnie points out how they keep talking guests like the Goblin Queen and Jak Vorpal back into murder. While they argue, Ursula begins to cry, and they all realize she’ll have to go back if she doesn’t want to die on the podcast.

Arnie figures they’d better do emails very quickly.
From Amy in California: shouldn’t Usidore be careful, since as per Can’s memory, he’ll be next to die?
Answer: Usidore insists he’s basically immortal.

Chunt chides Arnie for being critical of murder, given he’s responsible for King Belaroth’s death. Usidore quickly opens a package from Tom Martinek of Industrial Light and Magic, with hats for Chunt and Arnie and a shirt for Arnie.

Email from unnamed listener: a description of how to make a healing potion in Skyrim, which they thought would help Usidore, though the others are baffled why he’d need it.
Answer: Usidore blurts out that he’s clearly not a vampire.

Chunt asks Ursula to sing one of his mother’s favorite songs with him, and they sing Ariel’s song from The Little Mermaid. Usidore yells that Chunt wants a stool, which is correct. Arnie says he hates all of Chunt’s games.

Mundle starts playing them out, but Arnie cuts him off and insists they do one more round. He correctly guesses that what he owes Chunt is an apology, which he says will never happen. But he is sorry that he also owes Chunt money. Mundle starts to play again, Arnie interrupts again, repeats that he won’t apologize and then begs for red potion. The third time through the music is the charm.

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Earth References

Notes

Behind the Scenes

Siren
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Ursula the Siren, Chunt, Arnie, Usidore
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