82 Chunt for Red October 2: Clear and Present Badger
Chunt for Red October 2: Clear and Present Badger
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Air Date: October 10, 2016 Episode Link
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Hosts: Arnie, Chunt, Usidore Guests: Simon Lemmington Bartholomew, the Monster Hunter
Producers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Editor: Chris Rathjen Theme Music: Andy Poland Episode Art: Tyler Schmidt
Audio Assistance: Jason Knox
Production Assistance: Garrett Schultz
Sponsored by: Cards Against Humanity and ZipRecruiter

Description

"It’s time again for Chunt’s annual blood drive for local vampires. Usidore is unusually excited."

Summary

It’s a very special night in the tavern, so Chunt gets a do-over on his intro so that he can switch from “blood bong” to “bing blood” as a limited edition catchphrase. That’s right, it’s Chunt for Red October, the annual charity event Chunt runs to donate blood to vampires and other creatures who can’t feed themselves. Chunt is a little distressed that 33 jars of blood have gone missing as he’s supposed to distribute them. Usidore arrives and does his name sounding like a dollar store knockoff of Count Chocula, to his co-hosts’ confusion.

Usidore volunteers to help collect blood by hitting tavern patrons in the face with a book. While he’s gone, Arnie and Chunt realize all the signs are there: Romanian accent, red lips, increased aggression; Usidore must be in love.

They are interrupted by Simon Lemmington Bartholomew, Monster Hunter, who kicks in the doors and announces himself, replacing whatever vague plan Arnie had to do an interview with a vampire. He says the Stone of Azrael, which glows to alert him to the presence of monsters he should kill, has led him to the Vermillion Minotaur. Usidore returns to the table, and hisses at the monster hunter; Chunt comments how he’s sticking to the shadows.

Chunt inquires about the last monster Simon killed; it was a wendigo (apparently unrelated to the Mirror World Wendigo Wilson) in the North, a creature of wind and snow which he slashed with an iron weapon. Chunt points out that he’d taken all the iron out of the tavern in consideration of the event, only to have Simon come in armed to the teeth with weapons strapped all over his body. Usidore makes fun of his hat, which has a crossbow on top; Simon is so paranoid he’s even suspicious walls could be a mimic.

Arnie asks which monsters are the sexiest. Simon agrees it’s not very exciting to kill a wall, but asserts the sexiness is all in the telling. Usidore interrupts to take umbrage at “monster” as a derogatory. Simon clarifies that the Stone of Azrael distinguishes between monsters and creatures that are not particularly evil, though he personally thinks anything that eats humans, is abominable (not from Foon), or has “too many” limbs should be killed. Given this definition, Chunt has Simon test the Stone of Azrael on Arnie. Nothing happens, though Simon gives the dubious compliment that the story of killing him *would* be sexy.

The Stone of Azrael is less reliable than advertised; the beep system can be inconclusive, leading Simon to accidentally kill a fisherman (fishing for monsters), and not alerting him when an evil spectre killed his wife and child. He says the problem is keeping it charged. Usidore tries to convince Simon to leave, but he says he has to find out why the stone brought him. It briefly beeps near Usidore, but they take this as a glitch and Simon leaves it to charge over some candles.

After the break, Arnie points out that stone aside, Simon has missed that the entire tavern is full of vampires. They suggest bringing one over, and Simon asks whether immediately killing them is against their journalistic integrity. They determine it’s probably against the charitable spirit, though they’re unsure whether killing a child vampire is a more or less ethical option.

Arnie suggests they try a “semantrick” and have a vampire on while not calling them a monster. They call over Vlad the Inhaler (who has respiratory problems). They encourage Simon to interview him, but he kills Vlad before waiting for the answer to his first question (“how would you like to die”). An angry Usidore stands up and announces that he’s also a vampire. They all accuse him of going through a phase due to vampyr pressure.

Arnie decides to call over another vampire, Thorn, for purposes of comparison. He is a sparkly vampire with some serious angst issues. Simon offers to help him work through them, then explodes him with a magic sunlight mirror (not a very effective therapeutic technique). When they complain he’s killed a second podcast guest, Simon tells them to think of them as “eternal guests”.

Simon tells his origin story. His father was killed while attempting to prove to him there were no monsters under his bed, by a basilisk who decapitated him rather than turning him to stone just to be rude. His mother was later decapitated by a harpy. Chunt says he’s read Simon’s book, “My Two Heads”, as a segue to smack him in the face with a book. Usidore licks the blood off, then briefly turns into a bat. Simon continues to insist he’s not a vampire.

The Stone of Azrael starts chirping, and Simon asks Usidore to hold it. He gladly complies because he loves rocks, until Simon says it’s sucking his soul into it. Usidore vanishes. A distressed Arnie and Chunt ask how to free him from the stone, but Simon tells them he’s completed his mission and Usidore is dead. To his horror, Chunt realizes Can was right.

Meanwhile, Chad wanders over looking for his brother and Simon stabs him. Arnie shouts to the tavern for everyone to leave, but Simon bars the door and starts slaughtering vampires. They realize have no clue what to do without Usidore, but Arnie tackles Simon and manages to make him stab himself with his own stake. To add insult to injury, Arnie throws him off the podcast, then threatens to kill him. In his grief, Arnie manages to correctly make it through very nearly all of Usidore’s full name prior to Simon high-fiving Chad’s brother Brad to death. Arnie again tells Simon to leave and never return, and he finally flees into the night, taking the Stone of Azrael with him.

A dismayed Chunt and Arnie are at a loss. Chunt doesn’t want to do the podcast without Usidore. Suddenly struck by their own mortality while discussing whether to continue, they apologize profusely to each other for past slights. They’re distressed when Tad wanders over and takes Usidore’s chair. Chunt breaks the bad news that his brothers Vlad, Tad, Chad, and Brad are dead, and Tad stakes himself. They swear to protect the one remaining vampire in the tavern, the last brother, Ryan. After a brief detour into vampire family nomenclature, they exchange I love yous and commit to recording the podcast again next week in Usidore’s memory, R.I.P. (Really Ignorant People.)

Additional Appearances

Vampires Thorn, Vlad the Inhaler, Chad, Brad, and Tad

Earth References

Behind the Scenes

Chunt for Red October 2: Clear and Present Badger
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Arnie, Usidore, Simon, Chunt
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