85 Unicorn
Air Date: October 31, 2016 Episode Link
Previous Episode Episode 85 Next Episode
Hosts: Arnie, Chunt, Usidore Guests: Windsprinkle the Unicorn
Producers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Editor: Ryan DiGiorgi Theme Music: Andy Poland Episode Art: Ellie Martin
Audio Assistance: Jason Knox
Production Assistance: Garrett Schultz

Sponsored by: Cards Against Humanity


"We have something extra magical in the tavern this week, a unicorn named Windsprinkle."


Arnie is still so relieved to have Usidore back, he introduces him first, asking if he should call him “the light blue” now. Usidore tells him he’d just cleaned his robes. Arnie immediately comes to regret introducing him first, after accidentally causing him to do his full name twice. Arnie updates them on his progress with his red potion addiction; at the suggestion of the Wedding Planner, he’s been attending meetings at the Learning Onyx. Usidore and Arnie suggest Chunt may also need an intervention with his dabbling into dark magic, but they get excited when he offers to do some anyway. He swallows a coin, then pulls one from behind Arnie’s ear. Arnie is not impressed because it’s clearly a different coin, but Usidore is amazed he was able to change the coin’s value. Chunt admits he’s been swallowing a lot of coins and has some regrets.

They have their first unicorn guest, Windsprinkle. They’re immediately off on the wrong hoof, however, by not giving him enough personal space. Windsprinkle educates them on offensive unicorn preconceptions, especially touching his horn. He feels very burdened by societal expectations towards unicorns. Chunt and Windsprinkle give Arnie some examples of potentially offensive “unicorn jokes”, neither of which are funny, which is part of the problem.

Usidore calls Arnie aside and asks for a distraction so he can steal a hair from Windsprinkle for possible spell purposes. Windsprinkle immediately catches on and tells them Usidore is known to the unicorns as “That Guy” because he’s always trying to sneak up behind them.

Arnie inquires about unicorn powers. Windsprinkle says they have a real problem with being approached by prepubescent virgin girls who think they have power over unicorns, due to an ancient translation error mistaking “raisins” for “virgins”. Windsprinkle did once have an unlucky encounter with a girl who had some raisins with her, and was compelled to have some tea parties before he ate the raisins while she slept, pooped on her floor, and left.

This is the perfect opportunity for Arnie’s trademark question, “what does your poop look like?”, which he’s never asked before. Windsprinkle explains he doesn’t look behind himself to find out as he’s too busy going forward. Usidore declares unicorns “the shark of the mystical forest”.

Chunt decides to order a raisin daiquiri. Arnie is concerned, but Windsprinkle tells him they have a “12 step” program to deal with these issues; they just take 12 steps away from the raisins. They get to see this strategy in action when Chunt returns. Usidore uses the distraction to successfully steal a tail hair, Arnie throws away Chunt’s drink, and no one is very happy.

After the break, they talk more about the problems with G-unis (girls who love unicorns, pronounced “Goonies”). Windsprinkle tells them that about a thousand years ago, they finally came up with a way to monetize their groupies. They decided to start taking small payments from the girls to offer them life “assurance”, to be paid back should the unthinkable happen. They didn’t have much success until they started using their horns to break some legs. Arnie learns that in Foon, broken legs are fatal; not due to the injury, but because your family takes you out back and dispatches you. Usidore thinks it’s a very inspiring success story. Now that they’ve run out of willing virgins, the herd uses their magical power of running in slo-mo to go into towns and impress the townsfolk, then break a few legs to drive the point home. He admits that he’s been sent to Hogsface as a scout for this tactic.

Chunt tells Arnie that given his red potion habit, he should try to get health assurance. Arnie admits that a “company of guys, GuyCo”, already came over and persuaded him to give them money. Windsprinkle is alarmed to learn this, and sends a message to his compatriots using “Wee-Fee”, a small colt who runs off with the message. He says they’ll offer assurance to this competing company, then break their legs, just like they did with previous competitor Snake Farm.

Windsprinkle comments on Usidore’s fragile hands, then asks how he’s set for assurance. Usidore points out that since he was just dead, he doesn’t think he needs it. Windsprinkle continues to comment persuasively on Usidore’s very breakable legs. Chunt adds that before King Belaroth died, he’d decreed that everyone must have health assurance. Windsprinkle implies this decree was made suspiciously close to his death. Usidore caves, and Chunt pays the downpayment by hurking up some coins.

Before ending, Arnie says he hopes to have Windsprinkle on again to answer more questions, which somehow leads to a complicated dicussion about how unicorns would wear pants. Windsprinkle’s conclusion is: on all four legs, but unicorns already wear legwarmers in winter and he’s not keen on them going any further up.

Chunt realizes he missed the poop segment, and Arnie says they really should do more segments. He pitches “Aye Aye Neigh” as a new segment based on another podcast he listens to. Windsprinkle says he thinks a podcast that always did the same segments over and over, like a game, would be terribly boring and awful. Arnie pitches that it might be more fun if you brought in celebrity guests, and fumbles to explain the idea of “celebrities”, settling on “royalty that doesn’t do anything for your life”. They agree this is redundant. They discuss how hard it would be to keep the level of guest up, and Windsprinkle continues to epically meta-own himself by saying eventually you’re just begging anyone to come on your show, desperate to entertain your listeners, trapped in a nightmare scenario.

They open a package from Amber Hewey in SF: for Chunt, the Reynolds Pamphlet; for Usidore, fossilized owl pellets from Great Horned Owl fledglings
Email from Skylar Star(r?): she’s been enjoying the podcast on her honeymoon.
Answer to the not question: Windsprinkle thinks that this is terrible, thoughtless treatment of his unicorn friend Honey Moon.

Foon Sponsor

None (see additional appearances)

Additional Appearances

Mike Doughty the Vertiginous, son of Mike Doughty the Inscrutable, performing his original song "Gas Wayne Yes My Star" during the sponsor break

Earth References


"Wi-Fi" in Foon may refer to Wi-Fi (pronounced with long e's), the small male colt unicorns use to run messages back to the other unicorns, or (with long i's) to a friendly Wizard/Witch Fight

Windsprinkle implies that he is Jewish, since he is allowed to make Jew jokes (and horn jokes).

Behind the Scenes

Image Unavailable
Chunt, Windsprinkle, Arnie, Usidore
Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License