Season 1, Ep 87 – Missing Fathers (Live from Now Hear This in Anaheim, CA)
Missing Fathers (Live from Now Hear This in Anaheim, CA)
Hello from the Magic Tavern episode
Air date November 14, 2016
Episode no. S01E87
Episode Link
Hosts Arnie, Chunt, Usidore
Guests Pandenomicon, Ffffp the Sentient Vapor, Arnor the Warrior
Producers Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Associate Producer {$associateproducer}
Editor Garrett Schultz
Live photo Daniel McGowan
Theme music Andy Poland
Audio assistance Jason Knox
Production assistance Garrett Schultz
Special thanks Lore’s Aaron Mahnke
Pop Culture Happy Hour’s Linda Holmes, Stephen Thompson, and Glen Weldon
Chicago Podcast Festival, Cards Against Humanity, ZipRecruiter, and Casper Mattresses
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“Missing Fathers” is the eighty-seventh episode of season one of Hello from the Magic Tavern. It was originally released on November 14, 2016. The episode was recorded live at the Now Hear This Podcast Festival in Anaheim, CA on October 29, 2016.


“The tavern is very busy. Let’s talk to the Pandenomicon, a sentient vapor… and maybe someone else.”


Arnie is so excited and he just can’t hide it, he’s about to lose control, so he introduces Chunt to a very boisterous Vermilion Minotaur. Chunt wants to introduce Arnie to the most popular drinking game in all of Foon: Jar Jar Clinks. Arnie begs out immediately (who can blame him). The game goes like this: each person has a jar of beer and they close their eyes and point to another person. If you’re pointing to the same person that is pointing to you, you drink for three seconds. Whoever has the most beer at the end buys the next round. They play and obviously since they are the only two people in the tavern, they point to each other and drink. Arnie says that this game would be more fun if they brought someone else in, and thus Arnie introduces Usidore. Be careful about saying Usidore’s secret names, they may cause your eyeballs to fly out of your face and into your friend’s mouth.

Chunt notices that Arnie isn’t wearing his wedding ring and calls him out on it. Arnie claims his ring was stolen by a leprechaun (we have those, right?). Leprechauns are from Migas, and some of them are from the hood.

Chunt proposes that they go find Arnie’s precious ring as a fellowship together. He asks Arnie if it’s okay if they go on horseback because he knows that whenever Arnie rides a horse he ends up sitting on his balls and it is uncomfortable. Arnie doesn’t want to talk about ball stuff.

Arnie says that wedding rings on Earth have great powers: when men wear them, they are invisible to women. Since Arnie knows nothing about leprechauns, he wants to ask the Pandenomicon about them. He asks the Pandenomicon about how many steps he’s taken today and the book complains that Arnie never lets him sleep. Arnie wasn’t aware that you were supposed to turn the book off every night! It’s been on 25 hours a day!

Chunt asks the Pandenomicon to list things in Foon that move less than Arnie. Pandenomicon lists that mountain that never moves. Arnie asks about the other mountains and Usidore yells at Arnie that the other mountains aren’t so fucking lazy.

Arnie laments that he wishes the Pandenomicon looked more like a human so that he can empathize with it a bit more. Usidore does a spell to bring him to life. Arnie asks if the Pandenomicon is Spintax and the boys explain that it is just his words brought to life. There is some confusion as Arnie apparently has forgotten everything about his life since coming to Foon, so Chunt offers to remind him. In the midst of this, Arnie says he gets a lot of shit for his once-white shirt and vows not to wear it anymore so he says he’s going to take it off. Chunt argues that’s not what the fans want, but Arnie does it anyway. Underneath, he has a salmon colored shirt with Arnie on it that says “I don’t want to talk about Earth stuff” and Chunt asks him if he should be swimming up stream.

Pandenomicon goes on to look up leprechauns of Foon: they live at the end of rainbows, must be under 4′9″, they have a penchant for gold. It is noted that if you are taller than 4′9″ and you were born to leprechaun parents, you are considered a freak. It is noted that leprechauns are not allowed in bars because children would dress up as leprechauns to try to get in. Then they would try stacking on top of each other in a trenchcoat. It’s a lot of layers.

Arnie finally decides to introduce their first guest, though he is unsure how. It is Ffffp the vapor! They ask if Arnie pronounced it correctly and the vapor warns not to say their name too close to it or they will be inhaled. It happens occasionally, and they do not enjoy it. They are a Teenuck, which is created as a byproduct of spells. Usidore creates them all the time. Arnie says that he should be more conscious about his Teenuck footprint, but Usidore complacently says that magic will catch up eventually and keep them all safe. Chunt says that there was a law proposed that required wizards to do a wizard pool to pool their magic together, but it didn’t pass.

Ffffp was created by this wizard’s spelled called “Six Pins Nunned the Richard”. This wizard hated this guy named Richard and for six nights, he snuck in his house in the middle of the night and pricked him with a pin. On the sixth night of being pricked, he turned into a nun and now lives in an abbey. Turns out the wizard was Usidore, Richard was kind of an asshole.

Ffffp says they are kind of stunned because it’s like meeting their father for the first time, and Chunt says that Arnie should take notes because that might be him someday. The tavern boos, but Chunt tries to turn it around saying that Arnie will get to meet his baby someday. It still leaves a sour taste though. Poor Arnie. Ffffp says they were living in a gypsy’s lungs who was part of a travelling circus, and just got to Hogsface. Arnie asks Usidore if he ever thinks about the Teenucks he created, and Usidore says that he mentions it ALL THE TIME on the podcast. Arnie apparently doesn’t listen very closely.

Arnie asks a potentially intrusive question: is Ffffp a boy or a girl, and they state they are genderless. Usidore follows up with another potentially intrusive question: are they financially stable, and Ffffp says they are a hustler and they get by. Ffffp says that they have been in the Dark Lord’s chambers (no big deal). Usidore drones on about the quest to defeat the Dark Lord and Arnie says that he makes a point to cut to a commercial break if Usidore talks for more than a minute about something.

Arnie is worried that if a Teenuck doesn’t have a strong father figure in their life, they are more likely to be swayed by the Dark Lord. Chunt argues that maybe that’s just a phase that a Teenucker goes through. Ffffp says that the Dark Lord is short and likes salt and vinegar chips.

Suddenly, someone calls out Arnie’s name and Arnie is terrified. It’s Arnor, who’s vowed to kill Arnie! The Pandenomicon suddenly yells out Arnie’s step count for today, which is zero steps. Even though Arnie is in mortal danger, he takes time to explain to the tavern the events that have lead up to this moment with Arnor.

Arnor accomplished four more feats: the wild boar of McShingleshane Forest, eternally buried the Encyclopedia Brittanica, slew the leviathan of the Thallason Sea, then retrieved the stolen golden pineapples of good King Belaroth. Arnor went to give them back to him, but found out he was dead! Arnor of course suspects Arnie had something to do with it. Arnor says they told him he died of natural causes but he was only four score and one year old (Arnie needs help with the math), so he ripped open his chest because he suspected foul play, and he saw his heart was ripped in two (which Arnor did NOT do when he ripped his chest opened, he’s sure). Chunt goes off on a tangent about performing a topsy on someone, which is laying them on a table after they die and spinning them, whoever their feet point to someone, you have to kiss that person.

Arnie claims he did finish some feats and Chunt points out that Arnie grew a chest head (referring to his shirt). Arnor says he killed a lion in his backyard, so that doesn’t really count. Arnie asks how Arnor is really doing, and he is really broken up about his adopted father’s death. He tells this story about going to look for his father and at The Smouldering Widow, he found Dorian Deville.

Arnie interrupts (or perhaps tries to divert attention from Arnor’s story) and address’s Ffffp, asking what would happen if he inhaled the vapor now. Arnie would get a bit of a body buzz then his mind would relax. Usidore says the only one who will be doing that will be him, but Ffffp just wants to take things slow.

Chunt tries to give Arnie an advantage and says that Arnor should deduct a feat for wasting the rest of the lion he killed, so he’s back at 42. One of Arnor’s feats was learning to read, which was a struggle to read. Pandenomicon challenges Arnor to read him to prove his feat. Chunt offers a personal pan pizza if he can do it.

Arnor continues his story about Dorian Deville, who rats out the boys for Albain Belaroth’s death. The Pandenomicon then points out that wasn’t in the book, it’s just a first person story. Arnor declares that his revenge is found in the Encyclopedia Brittanica. Arnie takes the boys aside and says that Arnor might be lying about being able to read, which leads Chunt to believe he may be lying about all of his feats. Arnor says his revenge will be going to Earth and killing Arnie’s adopted father. Arnie points out he wasn’t adopted, but tries to think of a name to give him, then changes his mind. Arnor says Arnie must pay, but Arnie points out that he can’t get to Earth anyway. No one has been able to. Except, apparently, Ffffp. Arnor inhales Ffffp! Usidore talks to Ffffp in Arnor’s lungs, and asks them to come back to him when they’re done taking Arnor to Earth.

Usidore hears a sweet song coming from Arnor’s lungs and starts weeping. Arnie says that he loves a lot of people on Earth, but Arnor should start in Florida if he’s going to start anywhere. Arnor starts spouting poetry about killing Arnie’s loved ones. Arnie vows to reign down on him like the vultures did on his testicles in a similar poetic fashion. Arnor lyrically retaliates and tells Arnie that he has to take a step in order to do that (burn!).

Usidore gets in on the rhyming action. He casts a spell that expels Ffffp from Arnor’s lungs and causes him to forget everything. He only remembers doing five feats. Chunt tells Arnor that he can borrow his horse because he knows that Arnor will have no problem with riding it since he has no balls. Arnor is quite obviously vexed about the discovery of his missing testicles and blames Arnold for his predicament for some reason. Arnor, once again, vows to get revenge.

Chunt feels bad about getting Arnie into this mess again and says that he has his back. Arnie argues that he doesn’t and Chunt is sad that he couldn’t think of a rhyme during the rhyme battle. Limericks are his game. So Arnie puts him on the spot, and Chunt comes up with a… rhyme. Now how about a limerick, says the Pandenomicon. Chunt comes through. Usidore offers to take Ffffp to breakfast. Pandenomicon wants to go with, since Usidore technically brought him to life too.

Foon sponsor

Top Torture Happy Hour which is broadcast into everyone’s mind by the Dark Lord, whether you want it to or not.

Additional appearances

Earth references


Recorded live at the Now Hear This Podcast Festival in Anaheim, CA on October 29, 2016.

Behind the scenes

Missing Fathers (Live from Now Hear This in Anaheim, CA)
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Chunt, Ffffp, Arnie, Usidore, Pandenomicon, Arnor
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