88 Dragonborn
Air Date: November 21, 2016 Episode Link
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Hosts: Arnie, Chunt, Usidore Guests: Preckle
Producers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Editor: Garrett Schultz Theme Music: Andy Poland Logo: Allard Laban
Audio Assistance: Jason Knox
Production Assistance: Garrett Schultz

Sponsored by: Cards Against Humanity and STRANGLERS, a new podcast investigating The Boston Strangler


"This week I interview a lizard guy who’s here to fix up the tavern."


At the top of the podcast, Arnie asks how the King of the Badgers situation is going. He points out he hasn’t been invited to see Chunt’s new digs, and Chunt has to explain that he wouldn’t fit. He says it’s small but very nice, with a throne that used to be in the center but is now in the corner and facing the wall. They’ve also given him a pointed hat to wear. He seems confused about what this means. He says the badgers have been pulling a lot of pranks on him, including dumping a bucket of pigs’ blood on him. Chunt plans to try going undercover to get insight into his subjects; Arnie suggests he find a poor badger to swap places with.

They comment on how long they’ve gone without introducing Usidore; he’s has been giving Arnie a backrub the entire time, which he thinks he missed the most while Usidore was dead. Chunt says he’s learned one of Usidore’s secret names: the blades of grass know him as Johnny Downstream. Chunt informs Arnie that every blade of grass in Foon has an angel bending over it, urging it to grow. Apparently everyone’s been talking to grass but Arnie.

Usidore and Chunt are very offended when Arnie introduces their guest as cool looking. Preckle, the “lizard guy”, immediately corrects Arnie that the term is Dragonborn. Chunt is extremely impressed to have a Dragonborn as a guest, but Preckle doesn’t like being treated deferentially. Arnie immediately makes it weird by asking how someone is dragon born, so they make him explain how humans are born, which starts strong but then turns into a stork bringing babies as a Christmas present. Usidore says it’s different in Foon and gives a much less preschool age version of the birds and the bees talk. Chunt points out that Foonian storks eat babies, and Usidore and Preckle are both suitably amazed by how different things are on Earth, since Preckle confirms he was squeezed out a vagina in the normal fashion.

Chunt gives an updated version of the “beings in Foon not to piss off” list: Dragonborn, or anyone born of great hero Jason the Fantastic, who would be Jasonborn. Usidore asks about Preckle’s profession, listing things he thinks he might be like a great warrior, mage, or bard. Preckle says he’s dabbled in those; but even though dragons having a gold hoard is a stereotype, he was enabled by his parents’ wealth to do things like go to art school and play in a band. Usidore reveals that at the Great Halls of Terr'akkas he played xylophone in a band called The Wizards. Preckle’s instrument was stand-up bass, in a band rather uncreatively called The Dragonborn, and they somehow pull one out of nowhere for him to play. He’s quite good and they’re suitably impressed.

Preckle says right now he’s working as an interior decorator. Chunt asks if he practices fang shui, a practice where you hang fangs around the home and then murder someone to bless it. Preckle says he subscribes more to minimalism, and that he’s been communicating via crystal ball with Blemish to plan a remodel of the tavern. They discuss the challenges of getting good crystal ball coverage. Arnie reminds them that he’s technically co-owner of the Vermillion Minotaur, though they all agree he hasn’t been doing much; including keeping an eye on Blemish, who is constantly down in the basement.

Preckle goes over some of his ideas for the tavern, including adding some fun with a mechanical minotaur. He’s hoping to draw a younger, more affluent crowd, since the liveliest things usually going on are the podcast and the game of Offices & Bosses in the corner. Preckle says those people sound like nerds, and Arnie realizes that some of his Earth slang has been spreading. Preckle elaborates that he learned the word “nerd” while he was in the forest, and an owl asked him for help beating up some nerds. Chunt tells them that usually ogres are the ones who beat up nerds. Usidore points out that owls themselves are so nerdy, it was probably just acting out. He also continues trying to make “boo-yaka-sha” seem like something anyone says.

Coming back from the break, Arnie is a little alarmed by Preckle eating a live pigeon, but he continues to inquire about what they can do to improve the tavern and attract a younger demo. Preckle says the decor is awful, and he doesn’t like the dirty aesthetic since it’s built into a tree. He suggests adding a stone floor and working with a throne room theme. Arnie wonders if he’s thinking kind of a theme restaurant, but Preckle is going more clubby, with a cover charge and an orc bouncer outside. Usidore again insists he’s not racist about orcs. Chunt suggests a coin-operated machine with a head representing the Dark Lord that pops out for you to punch, judging you on how hard you hit. Preckle immediately says he can make that happen, and they should dream big about possibly trapping the real Dark Lord in it. Usidore gets excited that his quest might be moving forward with Preckle’s help, but he clarifies that he’s only willing to help with the box.

Preckle further suggests that they’re going to replace the current vine and moss covered wall by the table with a big, swirling portal…that doesn’t go anywhere. It will just make the room look bigger and provide flattering lighting. He’ll also make everyone inside the tavern look more attractive with spells, so Arnie asks why Usidore has never done that; but Usidore says he loves them just as they are. And also the spells are expensive. Preckle promises to make the Vermillion Minotaur super hot, and offers as proof his work on Gernkle Bernkle in Scrr, the hottest nightclub in Foon. Usidore has been there and was very impressed by something he describes much like a disco ball, but which is actually a small moon covered in mirrors. Chunt’s favorite bar is Times, where you get a paper crown to wear and watch knights joust. They agree that since it’s a chain it’s not very exciting, especially since no one dies, which does happen regularly in the Minotaur. Preckle says this is another change he wants; plenty of torture and carnage, but no more death.

Usidore asks about the stag head that’s been above the bar for about 100 years, which he hopes to keep. Preckle says of course, and they’ll also reanimate it so it talks and sings. Arnie swings back to ask if the spells that would keep anyone from dying in the tavern would let him live forever if he doesn’t leave, perhaps even so long as to go back around again. Preckle confirms it would, but calls him a pussy, another word the owl taught him, and he and Chunt proceed to insist that the owl has a psychic connection to Arnie and has been learning racist epithets from him. He insists he has not been thinking about racist jokes. Usidore assures him he’s not racist, but also that all orcs are evil.

In closing, Arnie asks what the timeline is for the work, and Preckle replies it will be done over the next six to eight centuries; so unfortunately Arnie will be dead long before the immortality spell kicks in.

Email from Emily Epna (??): can you call out Arnie for saying “sure” too often?
Answer: apparently yes, but he’ll say it immediately.

Email from Ray Dove: has Foon ever had any major natural events (like a hurricane)?
Answer: the Wall of Fire, the Dust Plate (around the Good Depression), the Bat Swarm (100 years of bats everywhere)

Email from Kate from Canada: since Arnie saw Usidore die, can he see puppies now?
Answer: Yes, he’s seen a couple puppies or possibly small dogs.

Foon Sponsor

Blemish for the Vermillion Minotaur

Additional Appearances


Earth References


  • In the Space Bunker, Craig plays audio from listener Julie, claiming to be from Chunt's mother.
  • In his badger form, Chunt can smell Arnie from ten miles away, not that he’s had a chance to test it.

Behind the Scenes

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Arnie, Preckle, Usidore, Chunt
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