90 Dwarf
Dwarf (w/ Jon Gabrus)
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Air Date: December 5, 2016 Episode Link
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Hosts: Arnie, Chunt, Usidore Guests: Lager Brewerhead the Dwarf
Producers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Editor: Ryan DiGiorgi Theme Music: Andy Poland Logo: Allard Laban
Audio Assistance: Jason Knox
Production Assistance: Garrett Schultz

Sponsored by: Cards Against Humanity, Tor Books, Magic: The Gathering – Puzzle Quest, and SockFancy code: MAGIC

Description

"Let’s have a few drinks and talk about the adventures of the dwarf, Lager Brewerhead."

Summary

Chunt is having an identity crisis this week, in part since he thinks a wizard has put a “dry spell” on him and that’s why he hasn’t shifted shape in a while. He’s also worried that as a shapeshifter he doesn’t really know what defines him, like Arnie being the big guy who doesn’t move. Arnie suggests he might be having a mid-life crisis. Chunt says it’s very hard to know your age in Foon, but he went up a mountain and spoke to a hare who did tell him he’s about midway through his lifespan (equal opportunity Chicago airport jokes). Arnie asks whether his lifespan is determined by the creature whose shape he takes, but Chunt isn’t certain. They all agree he shouldn’t fuck a sand dollar, and a mispronunciation becomes a sex act.

The guest this week is Lager Brewhead, a dwarf. Arnie is briefly afraid he’ll have to explain Earth religion, but it turns out Christ is Lager’s wife’s name, well known in the tavern because of a lewd picture that circulated. He’s hoping to divorce her soon due to her insatiable sexual desires. Arnie inquires about his profession, which proves to be his heritage as well; he comes from a long line of brewers from Mount Brewhead. Their clan weeds out the weak by giving lager to babies, but he insists it’s less alcoholic than dwarven breastmilk.

Lager says he’s come to the tavern looking for adventure. Usidore immediately gives a dramatic pitch for his quest. Lager is distracted by drinking an entire barrel of ale with one hand, but asks if tomorrow is okay to head out, much to everyone’s surprise. Arnie insists on checking his calendar, even though everyone knows it just says “sit and drink”.

Chunt inquires about Lager’s fighting style. He fights with a flaming axe in one hand and a drinking skin in the other, using the alcohol for extra effect. He says he used to be called the Pyromancer of Brewhead Mountain, but his second nickname is Boot’n’Rally, for throwing up on his boots, passing out, then waking up again and continuing to drink and fight. Chunt thinks his new thing could be giving nicknames, and suggests Fireball for Lager.

Apparently dwarves are so hardy, women can mine with their nipples and men with their penises, and this seems like a good time to go to a break, especially since Lager has finished his drinks and everyone else’s.

Arnie asks for more details about life on Brewhead Mountain, and they get a few more details than they really needed about dwarves’ “tectonic” sex lives. Lager starts talking about other dwarven family businesses and mentions making goat hooves, and Usidore steps in to explain that dwarves are very into “costume play”. Lager says he was a sunflower nine years running for “costume play day”; Chunt suggests they should shorten it to “tumeplay”. Usidore says he sometimes puts shoes on his knees and pretends to be short to do sports with dwarves.

Chunt mentions sexy bipedal cats, and his dry spell comes up again, so Usidore casts a spell to fix it. Very sexual audio follows, and the spell catches Lager as well. Arnie wisely declines to participate in “cum brothers!”, and some ivory is produced before they wisely move on.

Usidore asks if Lager ever gets back to the mountain to do some brewing, which he does. He says he’s found some extremely pale, bitter hops in a town called India. Another mispronunciation becomes a sex act, and Chunt asks Usidore how it’s going with the zen orgies.

Arnie asks to hear about more of Lager’s adventures. Lager tells the story of being surrounded by a goblin brigade in the Jester’s Head Tavern. He took two or three barrels of ale up to his room, and 3 or 4 days later when he came out, everyone had been murdered; but the goblins had moved on, so he was fine. They ask for another story, and he tells how he was accompanying merchants transporting wagons of blast powder across the Valley of Steam. He was “nine boots to the storm” and fell asleep driving the wagon; he fell off but the wagon rolled into the campfire of some brigands and exploded, killing them all. He woke up to the sheriff giving him a 5,000 gold piece reward.

Usidore pulls Arnie aside to express his concern that maybe Lager is just a somewhat lucky drunkard and would not be helpful on the quest. When they return to the table, Usidore says that they need to delay the quest, and Arnie tells him the best thing he can do is go camp out at the Smoldering Widow. Lager, very intoxicated and now angry at Arnie, sets his dick on fire to make a statement. They calm him back down, only to set him off again while talking about bathing habits. He sets his dick on fire again, by accident this time, which he agrees is fairly sobering. Usidore casually moves his axe out of reach. Amused to learn people from Earth are so dumb they call their entire planet “dirt”, Lager gets affectionate with Arnie, which is equally threatening.

Arnie tries to wrap up, and Lager becomes belligerent again. He tries to confirm that Usidore and Chunt will be his backup. They both agree, though he thinks Usidore is more helpful than a depressed badger.

Email from Ginny Hogland: if the Pandenomicon contains all of Spintax’s knowledge, can it teach Chunt to shapeshift at will?
Answer: it ran off after they brought it to life; but they agree they’ll immediately go find it.

Email from Bino Smash: where would you most like to be?
Answer: Arnie: back home with his family.

Arnie stops to ask Lager if he has any kids. He says yes, he and Christ have four boys: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.

Email from Tom Morrison from Israel: is Usidore the Blue a common name?
Answer: No.

Miraculously, they narrowly manage to end the episode before tap dancing too close to fraught political or religious discussions for the sake of a pun. Arnie suggests everyone forward complaints to Ira Glass.

Foon Sponsor

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Additional Appearances

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Earth References

Notes

  • Lager's last name is Brewhead for the entire episode except once, by Arnie, but it also says that in the episode description. Do what you will with this information.
  • Some facts about dwarves: they ride goats; they often marry at 30, but usually nurse until 50.
  • The sponsor this week, Sock Fancy, shoved samples through the portal, and Usidore and Chunt are very excited to wear socks.

Behind the Scenes

Dwarf
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Arnie, Chunt, Lager Brewerhead, Usidore
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