91 Magic Turkey
Magic Turkey (w/ Scott Adsit, Live from the Chicago Podcast Festival)
Live%20Photo%20by%20John%20H.%20Abbot
Air Date: December 12, 2016 Episode Link
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Hosts: Arnie, Chunt, Usidore Guests: Charles the Turkey, Spurt the Elder
Producers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Editor: Garrett Schultz Theme Music: Andy Poland Live Photo: John H. Abbot
Audio Assistance: Jason Knox
Production Assistance: Garrett Schultz

Sponsored by: SockFancy, Cards Against Humanity, and Loot Crate

Description

"It seems like a good time of year to interview a magical turkey."

Summary

Arnie notices that Chunt looks a little different this week. He confirms that he’s trying out wearing some makeup, and Arnie compliments his look. Chunt is also trying to be a better listener, which he’s mostly practicing by telling Arnie his questions are too repetitive. Arnie wonders why they’re friends, but decides it’s probably because Chunt’s adorable. Usidore’s introduction sounds especially aerobic. There is some dicussion about wizard fights, which are always dirty and sometimes DIRTY. Now that Chunt and Arnie have agreed to join the quest, Usidore has been doing research in Gratax on defeating the Dark Lord; but he seems to have only learned how to do the Time Warp.

Arnie introduces their guest, Charles the magic turkey. Charles is in town to bury his father, who died in an alleged hunting accident. Charles suspects fowl play, since his father was eaten afterward and all he has to bury is the bones. Usidore and Chunt are both eager to attempt to reanimate the bones later. They are discussing what makes him a magic turkey (the power of speech), when to their confusion, he interrupts himself. They learn there is a duck living down his esophagus. After a brief debate over whether this makes him a turduck or a durkey, Usidore overexplains overexplaining.

The duck introduces himself as Puddlehump, and after Usidore reintroduces himself, asks for a secret name. The poultry of Foon know him as: Stinklefeather Whizzlebeard. Chunt adds that the cows know him as “Hot Patootie”. Charles reveals that he’s distrustful of magic; he grew up in a farmyard with a former witch’s familiar who could swap creatures’ souls. Puddlehump tells them they stuffed this chicken inside of him (inside of Charles) to protect the community. Chunt asks to talk to the chicken, which can only manage a whimper. Usidore is concerned about their mutual dating lives. The chicken only replies with a whimper, and Charles warns them not to anger him unless they want their souls swapped. Usidore’s love of birds is only heightened. The chicken starts to become angered by a debate over whether with this new info they should say “chidurkey” or just talk to Charles, so they go to a sponsor.

Prompted by the Foonish sponsor, they briefly discuss facts about D’Twah and and Usidore describes the popular play Automaton Constable.

Charles confirms that he’s the only chidurkey, as it was a one-off situation. Chunt inquires about Charles’ relationship with his father, which was about as good as could be expected. Puddlehump adds that he, personally, wasn’t happy with him until the chicken swapped his soul with a haunted bowl of soup. Usidore points out that since soup is Arnie’s favorite food, it’s possible he has consumed Charles’ father’s soul. Charles says he’d like to speak to his father’s soul, in that case, so Usidore casts a spell. It’s surprisingly effective. Charles’ father proceeds to list 6 things he never got to tell him in life: 1) he had sex with his pet ant (it was consensual); 2) he’s not really his father, but is a trickster turkey who murders turkeys and takes over their lives; 3) he sold all of his toys; 4) his mother loved him very much and she’s still alive, because her soul was swapped with a stool. They don’t get to the other two as it’s taking too long to think of them. Since Charles’ mother’s soul is in Arnie’s stool, Usidore alters the spell so they can chat as well.

His mother also has a lot of unfinished business with her son, and Charles suggests she share 10 of them. She very quickly tells him that she assisted in the trickster turkey’s murder plot; she dyed her feathers; she lied about what she did during the day but does not say why (4) or what (5); she did not like the play Farts. All eight distinct individuals at the table then imagine being able to see farts.

They bring out their second guest, Spurt the Elder, who offers some verses to help Charles and Arnie with their current multiplicity of existence. He has to admit that poetry isn’t useful, but tells them they should pretend it is. He begins with “Diffident Dreams of a Mysterious Muse Wherein Spurt Gains Wisdom” (poems transcribed under notes).

They approve of the poem, and Charles’ mother likes it much better than the play Farts. Spurt is very offended, and is then backed into doing the “profound” poem that ends the play.

Because things are not sufficiently off the rails now that they’re just saying “farts” repeatedly, Chunt informs them the chicken has a sibling whose soul was swapped with a mug. Usidore uses “bing”. The two chickens have a moving heart-to-heart entirely of muffled chicken noises.

Charles and Puddlehump announce that the chicken has decided to swap Usidore and Chunt’s souls, and it does so. For the first time ever, Arnie insists that Usidore do his full name, which he manages with enthusiasm if not 100% confidence. Charles adds that the soul swap will last two weeks. Chunt is fine with that, especially after checking what’s under his robes. Arnie encourages them to respect each others’ boundaries.

They all agree it’s been quite a day for Charles. Arnie suggests that he take his mother the stool with him, but he points out he does not have thumbs. Instead, Charles suggests that Arnie regurgitate into Charles’ mouth and so transfer his father’s soupy soul, which everyone else (except Puddlehump) thinks is the least he could do. The soul is successfully orally deposited (whatever Scott Adsit thought he was getting into, it probably wasn’t this).

Spurt closes out the show with a follow up to his earlier poem, entitled “Fuck My Haters”.

Foon Sponsor

Rally organizer Shan Gammador

Earth References

Notes

Charles' father (via Arnie's haunted stomach) and mother (via a haunted stool) were played by Arnie Niekamp.

There is a Dairy Queen in Foon who rules over all milk production and has a curly-que crown.

Diffident Dreams of a Mysterious Muse Wherein Spurt Gains Wisdom by Spurt the Elder

Each night as I lay my quill to rest
And think on verses written
Wondering which one was the best,
Though all have left me smitten

But Vwishtash, quick!
My pride is reversed,
And I feel my talent is but a gimmick
My inner echo chamber suddenly cursed
by the sound of some inner critic
A disembodied voice, no sympathy evident
wits sharper than the claws of a griffin
With nose upturned to insecurities’ scent,
through some alternate universe Sniffin’
I recoil in disdain from what I did think
a perfect pot of poetic nomenclature
But no poecy perfume could mask the stink
and now I hold a shattered mirror up to nature
Pride becomes shame and self-wrath
as the barbs now come unbidden,
exhausted as Arnie attempting math from failing to keep my flaws hidden
and yet I count myself lucky and rejoice, in retrospect I know that I needed it
I’ll admit that sometimes that bitchy, stuck-up voice
Is funnier than the work that proceeded it

Final Monologue from the play "Farts" as recited by Spurt the Elder

Gentles we thank you for coming here for sure
As we did let forth our air from this humble aperture
Please clap, put your hands together, do not shame us
Though our words come not from our mouth but from our anus
And think not our egos are some little bit swole
Though our words come from our collective cast’s gaping shithole
You can dodge the sharp points of insecurities’ darts
Now that you have enjoyed this play we call Farts.

Fuck My Haters by Spurt the Elder

Fuck these haters, imitators, [unintelligible] satyrs
Have you heard the latest? Spurt is the greatest
Something for the laureates to yell about
Elder shall dispell the doubt
Spurt about to spell it out
S to the P to the U-R-T
Down with Usidore, Chunt, and you Arnie
E to the L to the D-E-R
Peace out to the Vermillion Minotaur

Recorded live at the Chicago Podcast Festival on November 19, 2016.

Behind the Scenes

Magic Turkey
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Spurt, Chunt, Arnie, Charles, Usidore
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