93 Goblin General
Goblin General
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Air Date: January 2, 2017 Episode Link
Previous Episode Episode 93 Next Episode
Hosts: Arnie, Chunt, Usidore Guests: General Leebad Fellatio
Producers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Editor: Garrett Schultz Theme Music: Andy Poland Logo: Allard Laban
Audio Assistance: Jason Knox
Production Assistance: Garrett Schultz

Sponsored by: Squarespace and ZipRecruiter

Description

"Seems like about time to check back in with the goblins and see how their plan to rise up and take over all of Foon is going."

Summary

Arnie introduces the podcast in his usual introduction but is quickly interrupted by Chunt who grabs a pen. Or rather, a pig pen in order to slop around in while Arnie introduces the show. Chunt changes his mind and decides he’s not interested in the pen or in Arnie recounting the events of the show. Arnie states that close to 41 years ago, he was born in a small town in Lima, OH. Confusingly, Usidore can’t believe he’s 41 as he believed Arnie to be much older. Being clever, Chunt tells Arnie that it looks like “Forty Won” based on the condition of his skin.

Arnie and Chunt each wish each other happy birthday and much to Arnie’s surprise, it’s Chunt’s Birthday as well! Chunt states that shapeshifter’s birthdays also shift when they do. Being aware of this, Usidore, however, planned a birthday surprise for Chunt; complete with a giant cake, dancers, fire eaters, and horses with hats on fire. Focusing the attention to Arnie, he reveals he didn’t know it was Chunt’s birthday and didn’t get him anything. He tries to cover this up by mentioning the Offices and Bosses spin-off instead. There's some confusion on whether or not Usidore and Chunt are on red potion but Chunt states that he's on green potion, which makes you apathetic.

The guest, General Leebad Fellatio, is finally introduced but Arnie initially has trouble pronouncing the guest's name. It’s revealed that Leebad is blind in one eye but nevertheless, a top general in Queen Fibro Myalgia army. Specifically she's an executioner with many names: Corpse Comptroller, Mascot of Murder, Baby Grinder, and Ash Plunderer. Usidore grows angry at the many names for the Goblin General and she threatens Usidore in response. Giving some backstory, Leebad plunders ash from the elves and gives it to the Natural Kings of Cole (her daughter is good too).

The goblins have been encroaching on the kingdom of the Bellaroths which Usidore takes umbrage with. Instead, Usidore tries to convince Leebad to join his quest but Leebad defiantly refuses. Leebad reveals that she has the fairies in her employ in exchange for buttercups. Chunt reveals that he has spies which spy on Arnie. Leebad offers to recruit Chunt after he is caught spying on her and Usidore's private conversation.

It’s revealed that Queen Fibromyalgia has been trying to take over all of Foon as a result of the hosts actions in Episode 70. Leebad through leak juice! Leebad asks for a thimble of Leak Juice from the land of Wiki (Wikileaks) and some of the secret plans of the Goblin army are coerced out of her as a result.

Usidore comes back to the table with drinks and starts chugging 35 oz of vinegar just to show how tough he is to the disgust of everyone at the table.

Commercial Break

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Despite the tensions earlier, Leebad and the hosts are now friends and some of the Goblin’s secret plans are revealed as Leebad is now drunk. Leebad has bribed the tooth fairy to act as a spy, which acts similarly to Earth's but leaves a chicken wing instead of money. After being killed by Glassy the Snowman, the spirit of a child rises above and reveals secrets of that child's family on a scroll. Leebad has secrets of the Dark Lord. She also gets peptic when she drinks Leak Juice and has trouble speaking.

The Dark Lord is the enemy of the Goblins but Leebad reveals that the Dark Lord wants Arnold dead to stop the Goblin Queen. The Goblin queen wants Arnold dead too and Leebad states that she's the one sent to kill him. Usidore deflects this by saying they haven't seen Arnold recently. Leebad begins to describe how she would kill him; she would sit upon his shoulders in the middle of the night and sing sweet melodies to him as she slowly chews his head sideways. Then she would slide into his body and use him as a body like a puppet. But Usidore counters by asking how she would sing and chew at the same time. Leebad demonstrates but Arnie isn’t really convinced. Chunt gives it a try though and starts singing "Goblins are gonna kill you!"

The hosts inform her that this 'Arnold' is an athletic, blue-eyed, blonde-haired, short but very charming man who poops sitting down doesn't have a wife or any children, and is a frequent customer of The Smouldering Widow. Leebad laments that she wanted to leave behind a widow.

The hosts given an open invite for Leebad to come back as Chunt compliments her on the sack of weapons she brought in. Which she clarifies, is a testicle bag filled with icicles. The hosts announce that this is the time when the guests leave and Usidore takes her to the bar. A few seconds later though, Usidore comes swiftly back and asks for a ruby so Leebad can put her fist in her mouth. She does so but then she gets sick and begins barfing around her hand because it's stuck.

Emails and Packages!

A package from Peter in The UK full of shirts.

At the end of the episode, Usidore casts a spell that goes wrong and ends up making Arnie disappear back through the dimensional rift, only to be exchanged for Sarah.

Facts

It's revealed that when Usidore wakes up he wakes up at 90 degrees and fully erect!

Additional Appearances

Earth References

Behind the Scenes

Goblin General
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General Leebad, Chunt, Arnie, Usidore
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