95 Tom the Spy
Tom the Spy
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Air Date: January 16, 2017 Episode Link
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Hosts: Arnie, Usidore, Chunt Guests: Tomblain Belaroth
Producers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Editor: Ryan DiGeorgi Theme Music: Andy Poland Logo: Allard Laban
Audio Assistance: Jason Knox
Production Assistance: Garrett Schultz

Sponsored by: Harold Ramis Film School, Squarespace, and ZipRecruiter

Description

"Prince Tomblain has infiltrated Shrike to spy on the Baron and Dark Lord. It’s time to hear what he’s learned."

Summary

Arnie opens the show as usual. No one interrupts him, which is unusual. Chunt asks him how he’s doing, and Arnie admits he’s feeling a little odd. He thinks he had a good birthday last week but he just… can’t quite remember…

Last week, if you’ll remember, Arnie spent his birthday on Earth with his daughter. After being brought back, however, his memory got Swiss-cheesed and he doesn’t remember anything but the fact that it was great.

Steering the conversation away from birthday stuff, Chunt tells Arnie that in the new year he wants to be more entrepreneurial so he started a new Butt Soup food cart with Peedee the Pussy Cat called “Butt Soup Pussy Cat.”

Usidore says his name incredibly fast, in a hurry because they only have 5 weeks until their quest begins. This confuses Arnie a lot initially, but after his birthday week he feels refreshed and wants to take things this year more seriously. It’s BOYS YEAR!!

Arnie is puzzled about where all his sticky notes and writing material went after last week though, but Usidore explains that he was just writing a lot of really nice notes for everyone. Certainly no one was using them for a more productive purpose…

Usidore pulls Chunt aside and tells him not to tell Arnie that he was home last week, because it will just bum him out that he’s stuck on Earth again. They agree and turn back to Arnie to talk about Usidore’s quest.

Usidore retrieves a bowl of still water from the bar and casts a spell to summon a channel to one of the most important questers they have: Tomblain Belaroth. He’s in disguise as Hank, guard of the Dark Palace. They ask Tom what he’s learned so far spying on Baron Ragoon.

One of these things is 6 of the Dark Lord’s powers:

  • Flying
  • Eating Very Fast
  • Seeing Through One (1) Wall
  • Sonic Levitating
  • Burning Things From the Inside
  • Knowledge of True Love

Arnie asks him what it’s been like spying on the Dark Lord. Tom says he’s discovered that most people in Shrike follow the Dark Lord simply because they’re unhappy with the economy. He mentions that rulers like his father, Albain Belaroth, never visits Shrike and that’s one reason they fell in with the Dark Lord.

Usidore breaks the bad news that Tom’s father King Albain is dead. Chunt sums it up pretty well when he says: he dead; a sentence too sad to contain a verb.

Tom suggests that it was a murder, to which the trio in the tavern quickly try and deflect, though he is not convinced. Usidore decides he cannot lie to him, and tells him the story of Chunt’s curse and how they definitely, definitely accidentally killed that King of the Northeast with the help of a trickster god. Tom is not happy with this, and immediately Chunt and Usidore deflect the blame to Arnie.

Arnie tries to defend himself but understandably Tom is still pretty upset about it.

His time in Shrike has been awful. There’s a mountain with a huge letter “I” on top of it that’s ringed in fire and stands for “I’m watching you.” It’s very intimidating. The real problem, however, is the Electrical College, a college the Dark Lord will send you to if you disagree with him to be electrocuted.

Usidore tells Tom that he should splash the water out of the puddle he’s been talking into, 69 under the stars, and then find a new basin of water, so that he doesn’t have to kneel by a mud puddle anymore. When they call him back, he’s still 69ing so they decide to give him another minute before calling again.

When they call him back, Tom is still in his Hank disguise, but he has two other personalities the people in Shrike know him by: D’Angelo Capricious and Grumblewaltz Shimberschwitz. All of them are different guards in the Dark Lord’s palace.

Speaking of which, Tom reveals he is now in the Dark Lord’s bathroom. It was the first place he could find after his 69 under the stars. Usidore criticizes the choice of Tom’s to play 3 different guards. Tom argues that it’s very difficult to play multiple characters at the same time. Also, he’s learned a lot about the Dark Lord, so it’s still helpful.

They then proceed to talk about how 69ing is not as good as you think it should be, how Usidore prefers to 66, and Tom praises the 34 (Arnie: “Fucking a chair??”) before they start talking about what Tom has learned.

He says that the only thing that’s really standing in the way of the Dark Lord right now is the goblin army, and if they fall he’ll be unstoppable. Things are worse than they’ve ever been in their lifetime, and Arnie is a very special interest of the Dark Lord’s. Tom also reveals that he’s never seen the Dark Lord, which makes him all the scarier. Usidore goes on a rant about how he’s just a giant man with 12 fingers and 7 faces, which Arnie laughs at incredulously.

To get back on topic Arnie asks for more intel, specifically about the Dark Lord’s bathroom. Tom says there are no lights, bats that look like people and people that look like bats. Is he actually in the Dark Lord’s bat-room? No, that’s a different room. It’s terrifying.

But again, the real reason people in Shrike are supporting the Dark Lord is because they’re suffering, and they’re willing to overlook evil to try and eleviate that suffering.

This inspires Usidore, and he asks of one more favor of Tom: for one of his personalities to become the new Baroness of Shrike so that he can get closer to the Baron. He’ll have to kill the Baron’s current wife and then marry him; the actor’s dream.

Before Tom goes, he has to tell them 4 things to help them survive, but someone starts banging on the door of the bathroom when he starts to tell them. There’s a jingling of something that sounds like keys before Tom starts yelling, the banging getting louder and more insistent. The water link they had fails and they lose contact.

For a moment they consider not doing emails, but their podcasting integrity is too strong. Usidore says he’ll check on all the water in Shrike while they read emails.

The first email is from a man with the email “moc.liamg|seet6htiwtnuhc#moc.liamg|seet6htiwtnuhc” who has been badgered (ha) by people sending him Chunt’s animal sex questions for the past year.

All of a sudden Tomblain comes back through their basin, but he is no longer Hank the guard, but the future Baroness. He was discovered by other guards and lashed, but now he’s putting on fake lashes to become the Baroness. Tom asks them if they noticed his voice, which now sounds like a women’s because it has a slight echo to it. The echo of his vagina.

Chunt’s first email is also from another person who is confused about Chunt’s email. The second one is from a fan of Tom’s who wonders when he’ll be back. Good news: it’s right now.

The portal closes again before Tom can tell them the 4 important things he was going to tell them before.

The episode ends with a hearty BOYS YEAR chant as the flute plays them out to radio static.

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Additional Appearances

Earth References

Notes

Behind the Scenes

Tom the Spy
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Tomblain Belaroth, Arnie, Chunt, Usidore
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