96 Mic Test
Mic Test
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Air Date: January 23, 2017 Episode Link
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Hosts: Arnie, Usidore, Chunt Guests: Clacks/Clax, Ooze
Producers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Editor: Chris Rathjen Theme Music: Andy Poland Logo: Allard Laban
Audio Assistance: Jason Knox
Production Assistance: Garrett Schultz

Sponsored by: Death’s Mistress by Terry Goodkind (Tor Books) and ZipRecruiter

Description

"Testing out mobile recording for the show. Let’s… get out of the tavern…"

Summary

Chunt has had a talk with his subjects, and they’ve come to a “mutual agreement” that all the badgers are going to leave and establish a kingdom somewhere else. This leaves him King of the Badger, since he’s still his own subject. Additionally, while they were under the impression he was king of all the badgers in Foon, that doesn’t appear to be the case. Usidore suggests maybe it’s time for a change; specifically, changing into something that might be more useful when they leave on the quest in four weeks. Chunt says he’s been more dangerous animals before, and is just comfortable being a badger. Arnie asks if this means he’s taking up celibacy. Chunt thinks that he might’ve lost his groove, so Usidore runs off screaming that the quest is doomed. Arnie is unclear on how this follows, but calms Usidore down by convincing him Chunt hasn’t lost his charm. Chunt is nevertheless very down in the dumps about losing his subjects, though they point out he still has his two knights in badger service. Usidore urges Arnie to lift Chunt’s spirits and they both tell him he’s doing great.

Since they’re leaving on the quest soon, Arnie has been working all week to rig a mobile podcasting system, as the podcast will certainly be useful in defeating the Dark Lord. He’s invented “micro-ropes”, which is just tying a rope to the mics so they can wear them around their necks. Usidore is a bit exasperated by his priorities, and Chunt is disappointed in his branding. Arnie suggests they should put their mics on and test the rig out by going to the dungeon. Chunt and Usidore are both incredulous at first, but Usidore becomes extremely excited when he realizes he’s serious. Arnie points out that he’s wearing his fan-made “I’m Questing for the Lunar Sword” shirt. A skeptical Chunt insists he hasn’t seen him get out of the chair in four weeks.

They do actually leave the tavern, and Usidore shows them the side entrance to the dungeon, through a hatch next to the tavern. They’re stopped by Clacks, who then realizes who it is. He’s very excited, but legally has to read them a waiver which they must verbally agree to. Arnie answers “yarp” in the hopes that it’s a loophole. Clacks asks them to look out for for his missing rib bone, assuming they’re there casually. Arnie asserts this time is for real and they’re going to get the Lunar Sword today. Clacks warns them this is serious business, but Usidore says they have a party now; a wizard, a magical creature, and fumbles to describe Arnie’s role, going with “a bard or a jester”. Clacks points out Arnie’s t-shirt DOES read “the Luna Sword”, which are the tiny swords available at the gift shop. Usidore promises to buy Arnie one if they fail.

Clacks warns them that the first few levels are full of badgers, clearly hiding from Chunt. An upset Chunt wants to leave, but Arnie talks him out of it, saying the badgers will all respect him once they have the sword. Usidore persuades Clacks into coming along, largely in hopes of skipping some of the levels. Clacks feels the dramatic “build” of the dungeon is important, but agrees to help them avoid the badgers.

Clacks starts to lead them through the dungeon, describing the geology. They discuss some dungeon remodeling, adding natural light and taking out a wall to add an island. Speaking of light, Clacks warns them that the Lunar Sword waxes and wanes in size with the moon’s phase, and if it’s a new moon it will be invisible. Chunt asks about a red velvet rope, and Clacks informs him it’s a VIP area, with bottle service, which hosted a “panty party” the night before.

Clacks shows them a stone to press that opens up a staircase; Usidore solves a puzzle at the bottom with colored tiles that open a door, but it’s only storage. They encounter Ooze, who asks Clacks about a record it loaned him, which was not for keeps. Once a piece of the Ooze that had been in the Vermillion Minotaur filters in, it remembers Arnie, Chunt and Usidore. Ooze is surprised to see them so far into the dungeon, and warns them it’s not sure they’re ready, in spite of Usidore’s bluster. It says they should be okay with Augie the Manticore, who Chunt realizes is his uncle he’s been out of touch with. Clacks criticizes him for not coming on Family Day. Usidore is concerned he’ll have to kill Chunt’s uncle, but Clacks and Ooze agree that since he’s on level 7 they should be able to talk their way past. Once they’re in double digits, they have to kill on sight.

Arnie suddenly realizes he should’ve brought a weapon, and is very surprised to learn that Chunt has a dagger and a mace. All he has is a microphone on a rope; so Usidore gives him his sword, which he finds very heavy. Chunt decides to use his warhammer, which he claims he’s always had and Arnie just isn’t observant. Ooze warns them about the hydra, which he’d mentioned on the podcast as the only creature the dungeon denizens are afraid of, and becomes distressed talking about it. They discuss how they might kill her on Ooze’s behalf, though Clacks points out that she was much nicer before she lost a son. They feel bad about this, and Ooze says that many of the things they’ll need to kill in the dungeon aren’t evil. Arnie wonders whether any of them are.

They move on, and Usidore takes his sword back because Arnie’s dragging it on the floor. Ooze departs and says he’ll follow them, but to give it a second to remember them.

They do the sponsor break from the dungeon, with Usidore and Chunt providing the musical accompaniment. There is beatboxing. Arnie admits he’s fallen off the red potion wagon.

Chunt discovers a door by using one torch to light another, surprising even Clacks. Usidore is overly startled by some (3)(regular) spiders, which he attacks with a fireball; the others agree his yelling was the only scary thing. Clacks confirms there are a lot of regular spiders in a dungeon.

They encounter another part of Ooze, and have the same conversation about the record until their Ooze arrives. Arnie learns the Foon version of a record is actually a journal or scrapbook. They sort out the disagreement between Clacks and Ooze by concluding it could be a shared journal for everyone in the dungeon to connect.

They’ve made it to level 12, and Usidore is startled again by some millipedes. Arnie tries to open a secret door by moving a branch, but it just breaks. Chunt jumps down a green pipe before anyone can stop him, or Clacks can tell him that’s just the plumbing. He regrets his decision. Usidore spots a pattern on the floor, and tells his compatriots to step on specific tiles. They successfully line dance another door open.

They comment on how the dungeon seems to mainly consist of doors, with much less monster fighting than expected. They criticize Arnie for having struggled so much previously, but then Clacks realizes that it’s Flensday and a lot of people are on vacation; he’s worried they won’t get the “full experience”. They assure him they don’t mind.

Chunt finds an inscription on the floor: “only the penitant [SIC] man shall pass”. Arnie tries kneeling, but nothing happens until Clacks remembers he knows a Derek Penitant, at which point the door opens. They encounter Chunt’s Uncle Augie, who is filling in on level 18 and very disappointed Chunt didn’t come on Family Day. Clacks and Ooze call him out on hoarding biscuits, and then he challenges them all to a fight to the death. Chunt insists he won’t kill his uncle, so Usidore throws a fireball at him, which does nothing. Arnie asks for Usidore’s sword again, but can’t even manage to lift it to swing it. Augie is very unimpressed. Chunt instead promises to write now that he knows they have a mailroom, and to come to the next Family Day, and Augie lets them pass.

Chunt jumps down another chute without looking first. Arnie gives Usidore’s sword back, and is delighted to learn that the Lunar Sword may be weightless, as it’s created from light. Chunt calls for help from down the chute, and while Arnie admirably leaps to come after him, he gets stuck. They try kicking him, then Usidore shrinks him to fit.

At the bottom they encounter the 14 year old girl, Denise, who is viciously critical of Arnie’s fashion sense, even when he’s back at normal size. She sasses the rest of the group as well, despite Usidore telling her to respect her elders. Ooze asks why she’s not on break, and she says she didn’t want to see her family. Ooze expertly gets her to start talking about her problems so that they can sneak around her. Clacks comments that the dungeon isn’t “dark because it’s underground, it’s dark because it’s emotionally tragic”. They conclude the work environment may be bringing everyone down.

Chunt has found three pipes labeled 50, 75, and 100, and a flute which he says he does not want to play. Only Arnie gets this joke. Clacks has never been this far before and can’t help. Usidore jumps down 100, and Chunt and Ooze follow, before Arnie can say anything. Clacks tells him he’s headed back, and Arnie asks why he thinks he’s not worthy. He says this part is for creatures of great power, and he’s just the skeleton of a dead re-upholsterer. Arnie replies that he’s no hero, either, and Clacks asks what he’s even doing there. Arnie admits this is a good question; but suggests adventures shouldn’t just be for chosen heroes; why not them? Clacks says he’s more worried about Arnie than himself, because he finally has friends and would hate for anything to happen to Arnie. He questions whether the Lunar Sword is really worth risking his life, but Arnie persists that even though it’s probably not, he feels he’s made an oath he has to keep. Especially since it was in front of the listeners.

Chunt and Usidore burst back into this heart-to-heart, with the Lunar Sword. The hydra was apparently just in the next area and Ooze defeated it. While they excitedly discuss how amazing the experience is, Arnie realizes to his great distress that after all this time and effort, he’s missed the culmination of the quest. He woefully asks whether there might still be some treasure left, so Chunt offers him a souvenir Luna Sword as a consolation prize. Usidore insists Chunt keep the Luna Sword as his treasure, so Arnie sadly relinquishes it. But then Usidore says since he already has a sword (which Arnie can’t lift), he’s giving Arnie the Lunar Sword, which is as weightless as advertised. Ooze adds that it has a gravitational pull, so anything that comes near Arnie will be “attracted to him in some small way”, which they think is nice. Clacks also discovers Ooze has had his missing rib this whole time just to troll him.

The teenage girl appears again out of nowhere, still talking about her family problems, and Arnie stabs her so he’s not left out of the quest. Then they make him regret killing a 14 year old in his attempt to be heroic. She points out that she’s not dead, just decapitated. Arnie puts her head back on and this is the push she needs to decide to go home to her family.

Clacks reads another legal document with a thanks from the staff. Chunt talks Usidore into buying some of the souvenir etchings of their adventure, even though Arnie’s eyes are closed in most of them.

Walking out, they agree that at least it was a successful equipment test, but a somewhat discouraged Arnie considers not uploading the podcast since he’s not sure he wants anyone to know about it. Usidore and Chunt try to cheer him up by telling him he should be proud of how far he made it, and leaving the tavern at all. Now that he has a weapon he can wield, Usidore promises they’ll train him in the weeks before the battle against the Dark Lord, and Arnie leaves the dungeon feeling hopeful that he’ll have many more chances to be heroic soon.

Additional Appearances

Earth References

Notes

  • The badgers that left Chunt to start a new kingdom were found in the dungeon. Many were blinded and burnt down there.
  • "The Burbs" are the Burbllng Seas on the edge of town where the rich people live.
  • Spelled penitent, not penitant, just don't want anyone going around misspelling this because of a ding dong podcast.
  • Chunt refers to "FDR", but in Foon this stands for "Fucking Done Running".

Behind the Scenes

Mic Test
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Usidore, Clax, Ooze, Chunt, Arnie
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