99 Push Ups (w/ Michael Hitchcock and Erin Whitehead live from San Francisco Sketchfest)
Push Ups (w/ Michael Hitchcock and Erin Whitehead live from San Francisco Sketchfest)
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Air Date: February 13, 2017 Episode Link
Previous Episode Episode 99 Next Episode
Hosts: Arnie, Chunt, Usidore Guests: Tabula the Butterfly, Erin the Reverse-Mermaid
Producers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Editor: Ryan DiGiorgi Theme Music: Andy Poland Photo: Shawn Robbins
Audio Assistance: Jason Knox
Production Assistance: Garrett Schultz

Sponsored by: ZipRecruiter and Casper Mattresses (offer code: MAGICTAVERN)

Description

"We’re leaving on our quest in one week. But first… we talk to a butterfly and a reverse mermaid."

Summary

Everybody’s super pumped to be in the tavern tonight, including a unicorn and a king and queen. Chunt comments on Arnie’s crowd work, and Arnie mentions he can always use the ego boost before Chunt comes out. They try out “boysenberry night” as a catchphrase. Someone has left a Snickers for Chunt, and someone in the crowd indicates that the hat on the tiny horse is for Arnie. He’s sad about another gift that doesn’t fit, but tries to wear it anyway.

Arnie shows off his Lunar Sword and they agree it’s smaller than expected since it’s waning. They warm up the room with some of Usidore’s secret names, and the crowd offers several more. There is a present for Usidore as well, labeled “extra butthole filler”. It is a dildo, not a unicorn horn, no matter how fast they backpedal.

They are leaving on the quest in a week. Usidore says he’s been preparing for years, gathering intel and laying traps; although the one he offers as an example is just a hole with leaves over it. Chunt has been doing a lot of push-ups and crunches to, as well as sex, which he claims is always helpful. Arnie says he’s also been doing pushups, so naturally Chunt backs him into doing one immediately. Arnie successfully does one, so they call out Chunt on his alleged 50. He manages the last 35 or so extremely (perhaps suspiciously) fast. Usidore smugly asserts that he HAS done his pushups today.

They bring out their first guest, Tabula the butterfly. Tabula is 2.5 days old, of his 5 day lifespan, and has spent most of this time trying to escape his mother when she tried to eat him. Fortunately, he ate her. Usidore claims this is very similar to his birth experience. Tabula says that part of the reason he’s there is to warn them about what he’s read in the stars: do not talk to the owl; beware of the four stars in the sky; purple water is not your friend; go to the path with the least rocks, throw the fifth rock, and if you hit a window, make five wishes. They insist they don’t need to write this down, because they’ll remember. (Now they don’t have to do either.)

Tabula says his ability to read stars is natural gift, and also knows seven languages, as he’s a bit of a genius. He warns that if they cross him, he’ll turn into a mountain. Chunt informs Arnie that he must be a mountarch butterfly, and he dated one called Sugarbaby once, until she died (the five people who got this joke groaned heavily). Chunt asks if Tabula has done his pushups today; unfortunately for everyone, he hasn’t, but does 11 plus a handstand.

Arnie asks Chunt and Usidore to beatbox for the sponsor message again but it gets uncomfortably sexy. Usidore reads the second ad with backup from Chunt and Arnie.

Arnie asks what Tabula for from the remaining 2.5 days of his life. He says his fondest dream is to meet a mermaid, and he’s in luck, since their next guest is Erin, the reverse mermaid. She’s very excited to be chosen as a guest, since she’s faced discrimination from the other mermaids since she’s woman on the bottom and fish on top. Erin also comments that the dildo might actually be a merman cock, and they should put it in white wine to find out. She talks about childhood teasing, and Tabula suggests she try turning into a mountain, which she had not thought of.

Chunt asks if she’s done her pushups today, and she demonstrates her exercise routine, which is very obscure in audio form, but she does 11 of something with her legs.

Arnie inquires how long Erin can be out of water; apparently she can breathe indefinitely on land, but has some trouble in water, mostly keeping up with the mermaids swimming speed. Tabula asks her what the scariest thing is she’s ever seen underwater, and they’re all very sympathetic when she says her own reflection. They declare this to be a safe space for everyone, except orcs, who Usidore still hates. Erin says she’s dated an underwater orc, as the mermen aren’t interested. Chunt postulates that an aquatic orc is an orca, and Erin realizes she might’ve just been dating a killer whale. Usidore suggests they all compliment Erin to make her feel better about herself, but it goes off the rails pretty quickly. Erin admits that she mostly just wants the mermaids’ approval long enough to make them feel bad they missed out on being her friend, like Rudolph. Arnie is surprised she knows who that is, but Usidore explains that Arnie acts out movies for them and then he does the same for mermaids.

Arnie realizes he hasn’t asked his go-to question of Tabula: how do you have sex? He says he’ll demonstrate, and something risque apparently happens, resulting in Tabula saying that a butterfly will pop out of Arnie’s butt.

Usidore asks whether Tabula has any other goals for the second half of his life, and he suggests he’d like to try castle-flipping. With castles in Foon available for a(n actual) song, Usidore’s been thinking about trying it too, to fund his quest against the Dark Lord. Then he could come back and flip more castles to flip the next Dark Lord, which Arnie is shocked by since he’d forgotten Spintax told them there will always be one. They talk castle-flipping strategy instead.

Arnie asks about the mermaid school system. Erin says that the classes are mostly on shell bras, lounging, and siren songs to kill human men (which she doesn’t do). She describes her challenges getting around underwater. She explains that mermaids are born when a fish mates with a human, and that she is half sea bass. Arnie asks what would happen if a human and a mermaid got it on, and Erin makes it clear a very scientific offer continues to be on the table. Usidore suggests that he’s heard a story to indicate reverse mermaids are the product of true love, but she suspects he’s trying to make her feel better; however, his application to be her best girlfriend may have been accepted.

Email from Kelsey Simmon: it’s her husbands’ birthday, and it was hers, can she get a happy birthday?
Answer: Chunt says happy birthday, so her cunning plan has worked.

Email from Reuben Escobido: didn’t you already kill a kid with your sword?
Answer: She’s fine, they put her head right back on.

Tabula regrets not trying this with his mother, and Usidore suggests he might be able to fix that, and does a spell. They do hear a tiny voice, and Tabula’s mother forgives him for killing her. At that moment, Chunt exclaims that a butterfly has just come out of Arnie’s butt. Arnie and Tabula decide they should stay together for the next day and a half for the sake of their butterfly son.

Usidore asks Tabula and Erin to join the quest, then realizes Tabula will be dead before then anyway. They ask if they can help with his bucket list, and he asks them do more pushups. First they put the dildo in some white wine, and it is in fact a merman’s cock, since it sings a song and then flies away. It hits on Arnie’s butterfly son, who turns into a mountain in self-defense, and all of this is totally normal. They give Erin some encouraging life advice, and suggest she consider staying in Hogsface, though she doesn’t want their opinions on pants or personal grooming.

Arnie thanks everyone and says he’ll do 20 pushups to complete Tabula’s bucket list before Usidore goes off to have brunch with Erin. He manages 13, but Usidore keeps counting and insists he’s not a liar. There is no evidence to suggest otherwise.

Earth References

Notes

  • Chunt introduces a new personal nickname for Usidore, Leverly B’Angelo.
  • In Foon, there is a Moremen religion in which you go to a planet with lots of men when you die.
  • Recorded live at the San Francisco Sketchfest on January 29, 2017.

Behind the Scenes

Push Ups (w/ Michael Hitchcock and Erin Whitehead live from San Francisco Sketchfest)
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Chunt, Tabula, Arnie, Erin, Usidore
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