Glossary

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Abandoned temples

There are a great deal of abandoned temples in Foon, often containing treasure guarded by some kind of dangerous creature or creatures, often a pack of skeletons or a giant slug.

Accidental Adultery

Accidental Adultery, or "AA", is a support group that ostensibly offers help to people who have committed accidental adultery. However, the meetings are normally just used as a a dating pool by those looking to commit adultery intentionally.

Astral plane

The astral plane is a non-physical location, accessible from Foon by projecting onto it in some fashion. Even though it is a non-physical location, one can also be physically imprisoned in it, as Dorian Deville was. Very often people will have long-distance relationships by using it to meet, such as with Usidore and Jyn'Leeviyah.

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Behind the Tavern

Hello from the Magic Tavern Presents: Behind the Tavern is a spin-off series. Season one premiered on Stitcher Premium in October 2019.

Bicur

A bicur is a dog with two heads found in Foon.

Blade of Veysco Hallan

The Blade of Veysgo Hallan is an artifact of great power, a dagger that can kill a wizard by utterly destroying their essence.

Book of Sight

The Book of Sight is a magical artifact of great power, most notably the power to create a new Dark Lord. There have been many Dark Lords over the history of Foon, and whenever one is destroyed it is considered inevitable that another individual will find the Book of Sight and transform. The details are understood Foon-wide:

Bridges

Bridges in Foon are not remarkably different than those on Earth, save for little differences.

Burger King

Burger King is a popular Earth restaurant. Arnie uses the wifi from one of the restaurant's locations (or as much of the signal is able to travel through the rift into Foon) to post his podcasts.

Buttholes

The creatures land of Foon differ from those on Earth in many ways, but one of the most talked about ways on the podcast (thanks to Chunt and Arnie) is the tendency for magical creatures to have multiple buttholes. Many creatures are naturally created this way, while creatures conjured from magic often have as many as the caster desires.

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Carfoon

A carfoon is a drawing brought to life using magical paints.

Castle Nowhere

Castle Nowhere is a castle in a pocket dimension that lies on the other side of the portal in the basement of The Vermilion Minotaur that The Dark Lord used in the Siege of Hogsface.

Chance Food

A chance food is a food whose name starts with "may", indicating that there "may" be something unpleasant in it.

Chicago

Chicago is a city on Earth, and the home of Arnie Niekamp before his arrival in Foon.

Chu Chu's Chow

Chu Chu's Chow is the name of a late night tavern located in the haunted cabin hovering above the Purple Bog. It was destroyed in the Siege of Hogsface, but after The Dark Lord ceded control of Hogsface to Arnie and the gang, Chunt reopened it.

The Cockticklers

A travelling theatre troupe whose members include Lawrence, Tomblain Belaroth, Winky Silks, and Michael Gunch. They often put on corporate events in order to uncover murderers by reenacting the details of the murder and encourage the guilty party confess.

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Danlet

Danlet is widely considered the greatest play written in Foon. It is the story of a young boy, Danlet, whose aunt is a hunger ghost and eats Danlet's mother.

Death Parks

A park where people go to die. The most famous is Topple Land, where you climb to the top of a tree, and someone knocks it over and kills you.

Dragons

Not much is known about dragons on Foon, but they seem to be similar to Earth depictions. Their scales are known to catch and glisten in the light and are often used for decorations.

Dragon's Talon

Dragon's talon is a game in which each player says something nice about each other player. Children play it for fun, while adults use it to ease social situations.

Dungeon

Dungeons are very large, but incredibly labyrinth places, usually located underground, that are divided up into various levels.

Dwarfs

Dwarfs are a short, strong race in Foon. Many are brewers and vintners.

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Earth Games

Hello from the Magic Tavern Presents: Earth Games is a spin-off miniseries set roughly during season two of the main podcast. Season one premiered on Stitcher Premium in August 2019.

Elf On A Shelf

Elf On A Shelf Furniture is a business owned by D'athaniel Quen'yarvin, and sells custom cabinets, shelves, and other furniture. His furniture is crafted by a method of kicking, which uses a spiked boot as a lathe. This gives the furniture a vintage beaten and weathered look which appeals to Foonians. His business will ship furniture to any place on Foon, using a network of eagles, wyverns, spiders, and other creatures. It will ship unpackaged so as to get an even more battered and weathered look on the journey.

Elves

Elves are a magical peoples native to Foon.

Eunuchs

Eunuchs are people who have had their genitalia removed. In Foon, this grants them a number of magical abilities in addition to the non-magical ones attained by the mental focus that comes from a lack of sexual desire. Unlike eunuchs on Earth, the process is not permanent: their genitals are placed in a mason jar, kept moist by elf sweat, and can be reattached at any time.

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Fairies

Fairies are a small humanoid species of Foon.

Festival Of Cunnilinga

The Festival of Cunnilinga is an annual festival where year midwives gather. It features dance and wonderful music, and lasts until all the women present are satisfied with it and have gotten what they wanted. Attending the festival can be exhausting, and one's lips and tongue can tire long before the completion of the festival. Men are especially confused at the festival, and often get lost and don't know where to go.

Festival of the Satiated Hippogriff

The Festival of the Satiated Hippogriff is an event in the court of Titania Belaroth in the northeast. It is designed to find her one of her many consorts and possibly a mate. It is also well known for its moving displays on every level of human emotion.

Fingaria

Fingaria is a country in the distant north, in the frozen tundra.

Foo

Foo is one of the three goddesses of Foon with Ooo and Oon.

Foodorfight

Foodorfight is a holiday on Foon where children roam Foon in packs or hordes, and you must either give them food or fight them to the death. Chunt personally attests to having killed a lot of kids during Foodorfight.

Foon

Foon is a magical land that is connected to Earth through a magical portal behind a Burger King in Chicago.

Foonapalooza

Once a year, the fairy folk of the woods once a year hold a many-day long concert called Foonapalooza. At the end of the event, a child is stolen away and taken into the fairy world.

Foonationism

Foonationism is a religious belief associated with the gods of Foon. It is unknown precisely which gods.

Frants

Frants (pronounced "France") is a region in Foon with fragile ants.

Funeral

At funerals in Foon, everyone gathers around the deceased and eats food off of them. It's best to go to a funeral of a large person because there's more room for food. (Childrens' funerals are the worst.) Then people tell fables.

The Falsetto Marauders

The Falsetto Marauders are a mercenary group of warriors that operate in McShingleshane Forest. Their warrior call is a falsetto ululation.

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Garfunt

A garfunt is a creature that matures in a single day. In the morning it begins in its larval stage, where it uses four tiny legs to swim around in ponds. Eventually it walks onto land and sheds two legs. Finally, it will grow a third leg and begin its reproductive cycle. Garfunts are usually found by bridges over troubled waters.

Giant Spiders

Giant spiders are one of the many inhabitants of Foon. They often get work delivering supplies in the Southwest, as spiders are perfect for traversing the rocky terrain there. This is common enough that a Spider Transport Union exists to support giant spider laborers.

Gnomes

Gnomes are a small humanoid species roughly two to three squirrels tall. Gnomes can either be Guardin' Gnomes or Protected Gnomes.

Goblins

Goblins are a type of magical peoples native to Foon.

Gorgon

A gorgon is a creature with snakes for hair, whose gaze will turn any living creature into stone.

Gratax

Gratax is a town in Foon.

Great Blue Tigers

Great Blue Tigers are one of the rarest, most majestic, and most powerful animals in all of Foon. There were only three left in the world, until one of them, Sapphire, died at Make Out Point on a date with Chunt, leaving only Cerulean and Azure remaining.

Great Eagles

The great eagles of Foon are large, sentient eagles that are capable of lifting creatures up and carrying them. In fact, their primary purpose on Foon is to rescue wizards from danger by carrying them away. They should not be confused with regular eagles, who are not sentient nor great.

Great Halls of Terr'akkas

The Great Halls of Terr'akkas is a place where wizards (and potentially other magic users) go to learn magic and hopefully become a Champion of the Great Halls of Terr'akkas. By many accounts, the Great Halls are very old and falling apart in places.

Grimfallon

Grimfallon is a southern kingdom that has been destroyed. It was previously ruled by Good Queen Elsinore before her death.

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Harridan

Harridan is a "strange corner of Foon", where they only believe in heteronormative relations.

Hawai

Hawai is a chain of islands in the Big Bowl. It is a tropical paradise, but lately, the Dark Lord's presence has become more pronounced. It is now run amok with flaming cats and dogs, portents of the Dark Lord. A particularly nasty strain of morglorb (created by Usidore and cut with Miracle Whip) has been running rampant as well.

Hogsface

Hogsface is a town in Foon. It is known as a tourist destination thanks to its coastal beaches and fine cuisine. It sits alongside the Everyroad, a main road that traverses Foon, and beside McShingleshane Forest.

Hunger Ghost

A hunger ghost is the ghost of a person who has died while hungry. If someone has just eaten, they are considered "hungry" until the food has digested.

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I Am Spintax! The Podcast!

Hello from the Magic Tavern Presents: I Am Spintax! The Podcast! is a spin-off miniseries starring Spintax the Green on Earth. Season one premiered on Stitcher Premium in November 2019.

Imps

Imps are tiny magical creatures who leave rubies and coins in pots and barrels all around Foon. The rubies and coins are actually their excrement. They do not have genitals, and have a larger anus in the place where they would be.

Insane Crown Posse

The Insane Crown Posse is a social group of three kings — Jeremiah, King of the Horses, the King of Otters, and formerly Chunt the King of the Badgers, who was kicked out for refusing to wear his crown in public (this caused a rift in his friendship with Jeremiah). It notably does not include the Bandit King or Fibro Myalgia, the Goblin Queen.

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The Jizzlenob Preparatory School For Young Wizards

The Jizzlenob Preparatory School For Young Wizards (also known as Jizzlenob Preparatory Academy for Young Wizards) is for "promising young wizards", though most of the student are not "true" wizards, but rather mortal beings learning magic to become mages, magicians, necromancers, etc.

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Mages

Mage is one of a number of terms for magic users in Foon. Magic use is widespread, and many species (for example, fairies) use magic constantly in their daily business. However, other peoples (for example, humans) must learn magic through study and practice.

Magic Box

A magic box is a device used on Foon to watch sporting events and other media. It is a 4 foot by 4 foot box with ten tiny men and women inside it, who receive telepathic information and recreate that information by acting it out.

Magic Cannon

Magic cannons are a form of delivery on Foon. Simply insert your object into the cannon, let it know the location, and it will fire the object there.

Magic Swords

Magic swords are swords with magical properties. Some magical properties include singing and cutting through any wood.

Make Out Point

Make Out Point is a shack where couples on Foon go. If you make it out alive, you are destined to fall in love. If you don't make it out, a ghost appears and asks you if you want to save yourself or the person you're with.

McShingleshane Forest

McShingleshane Forest is a forest in Foon. Arnie knows it best as the home of the Vermilion Minotaur, and the place he last left his Toyota Camry. You can also visit Smeg's List here.

Midwife

Midwives in Foon are magical. Unlike Earth, where the midwife simply aides the mother giving birth, in Foon, the midwife literally takes over for the mother halfway through her pregnancy by transferring their soul inside the mother.

Migas

Migas is an island (or series of isles) located on Foon.

Mighty Ducks

Mighty Ducks are a species in the land of Foon that are very powerful and carry crooked clubs. They are cake eaters, meaning they only eat cake.

Miracle Whip

A less expensive alternative to mayonnaise. Its manufacture most likely involves whipping with a wand. Usidore claims that its very existence is a miracle. It can be used as an inferior substitute for mayonnaise in making morglorb.

Mittens

Mittens is a recreational sport in the land of Foon. Its governing body, the Foon Mittens League (FML), is headed by Chairman Larry Birdman who admits that most of the game's rules are ridiculous. The rules were originally based on a fictional game from the children's book The Loneliest Loneliest Son of Lonely by Tom Bigglesworth.

Morglorb

Morglorb is one of the drugs of Foon. A very addictive substance that will make you vomit, but get you higher the next day. It is made from the morgle bush.

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Northeast

The Northeast is a region of Foon. It has one known kingdom, the Northeast Kingdom.

Northeast Kingdom

A (the?) country in the Northeast.

Notsee

A Notsee is a kind of social group in Foon, known for their extreme kindness.

Nymphs

Nymphs are a race in Foon that come in many varieties. They measure time differently; Gary the Forest Nymph says he is 60 hundred years old in nymph years. Nymphs have nymph nodes which can open up during certain activities such as kissing or eating spicy food. Nymphs have a Nymph Awareness Month.

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Offices & Bosses

Offices and Bosses is a role-playing game where players take on a role at an office and try to avoid their boss. It takes place in a fantasy world filled with flying machines, gizmos, cities, and buildings 100 stories tall, which is fantastical to anyone from Foon. One person takes the role of the "office manager" and acts as the referee as well as playing any extra characters required. Usually players' "jobs" involve doing one repetitive task.

Offices & Bosses (series)

Offices & Bosses is a spin-off miniseries of the main podcast. The tabletop role-playing game Offices & Bosses was introduced in episode 32, "Offices & Bosses", when Arnie, Chunt and Usidore met Metamore. In this series Metamore returns to reprise his role as Office Manager and guide the other players through their campaigns.

Oon

Oon is one of the three goddesses of Foon with Foo and Ooo.

Ooo

Ooo is one of the three goddesses of Foon with Foo and Oon.

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Path of Destiny

A path in McShingleshane Forest which leads you to your destiny.

Phoenix University

The University of Phoenix is a school in Foon. It is named so because the every day the professors die and are born again in flame. Usidore sometimes transforms into an eight-foot-tall woman and teaches math there as Susan Doku.

Pinglets

Pinglets are tiny pig-like creatures with fluffy wings making them capable of flight. They only come from a small village in the Southwest, but there are very few of them left after the Pinglet-Dwarf Wars. Recently, they are being hunted by witches who want to devour them, forcing some pinglets to become refugees. Witches believe that pinglets taste like "the most delicious bacon you've ever had".

Pitocin

Pitocin is a god in the land of Foon. He is the Lord of the Souls, and has the power to transfer souls from one host to another. He uses this power to bless midwives with the gift to enter pregnant women. In exchange, he asks that they marry him so that they do not conceive of a child themselves.

Prophecy

Prophecy is very real in the land of Foon. True prophecy accurately predicts future events, and cannot be contradicted. However, there are always false prophecies. It is a pastime of some people of Foon to listen to prophecies, current and old. Older prophecies that turned out to be false are mostly forgotten, though people can listen to them again as "oldies" are often nostalgic.

Puppies

In Foon, puppies exist, however, they are only visible to those who have had a moment of true joy or have seen someone die. It is possible that you must have had your moment of pure joy while in Foon, as Arnie claims to have had such a moment at the birth of his child, yet could not see them until he later witnessed actual death.

The Penelope

This article is about the artifact The Penelope. For the human child, see Penelope Penelope.

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Rainbow Bowls

A rainbow bowl is a delicious non-alcoholic drink that sends your mind through time. It also comes in a whipped variety and contains glorb.

Raven's Crew

The Raven's Crew is a religious cult that kidnaps children, brings them to their palace, and brainwash them. They are marginally better than the Falsetto Marauders because at least they don't smack children.

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Scrr

Scrr is a town in Foon.

Sefarius section

A Sefarius section (or S-Section) is a medical procedure where a newborn child must be cut out of the mother (often through the abdomen or thorax) when complications do not allow the child to be born normally. It is named after the historical figure Sefarius, who was said to have been born in this way.

Seven Dragons And A Baby

"Seven Dragons and a Baby" is one of the most well-known and popular songs in Foon. It has a number of verses, which may be included or swapped out at the discretion of the performer.

Shrike

Shrike is a valley within a few days travel of Hogsface. It is ruled by Baron Ragoon, a Dark Lord sympathizer.

Smorps

Smorps are a race of small cerulean colored creatures, about four peaches high, known for their vicious nature. They live in communities of mushroom-shaped houses. Each Smorp is named after the job he does within the community (Soldier Smorp, Cook Smorp, etc.). They were created at the beginning of time.

Space Bunker

The "Space Bunker" is an informal name for the place the Mysterious Man monitors the podcast, and presumably, events in other dimensions. The interns are forbidden to mention the location of the bunker. It is surrounded by a viscous ultraviolet gel, and is near at least three suns.

Spiced Potatoes

Spiced potatoes are a specialty of The Vermilion Minotaur and a favorite of many denizens of Hogsface including Chunt and Usidore.

SS Stephanie

The SS Stephanie is a sea-going ship that Arnie, Chunt, and Usidore use to travel to various locations. It is in generally poor repair and is often at risk of sinking. The SS Stephanie originally had a figurehead, Rodney, but he fell off when he wished for, and was granted life. The ship is currently owned and crewed by bears, who sometimes hibernate during longer voyages.

Surgeon General

The Surgeon General is a general from the Northeast Kingdom. He was a great army general that King Albain promoted to be a great surgeon. He will often decree advice about medicine in Foon.

The Smouldering Widow

The Smouldering Widow is another tavern in Hogsface. It is a 4am pub, so it is less reputable place than The Vermilion Minotaur, with all sorts of despicable people and dark dealings going on. However, it has an excellent buffet. It can be found down the crooked lane; if you see two grey horses you have gone too far.

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Ti-Bo

Ti-Bo is an exercise regiment that is good for the metabolism and complexion. It consists of a series of rhythmic kicks, jabs, and other movement to get blood flowing. Ti-Bo is usually practiced by maidens. In fact, it gets its name because normally, maidens' main exercisie is boating. This exercise is an alternative for people that are tired of boating, hence the name "Ti-Bo" for short.

Tosser

A Tosser is the highest award given in Foon for acting. The award is so named because it awards the actor that can best toss off their own identity and assume that of another.

Troll

Trolls are creatures in Foon. Not much is known about their physical attributes other than the fact that they produce a lot of slobber. There are many different titles that trolls can earn.

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The Void

There is an encroaching Void that threatens to destroy all existence. It can only be defeated by making one little girl with unkempt red hair, Penelope Penelope, believe in magic. She from a mundane world with no magic (presumed to be Earth), where she lives in a trailer with her mother. Her parents are divorced and her mother is not home often because she is a registered nurse. Defeating the Void is the singular purpose of Spintax The Green.

Vacuum-Packed

In Foon, vacuum-packing is performed by encasing an item inside a seed pod and zipping it shut with Elven forces to save space.

Vampires

Vampires on Foon are very much like the vampires on Earth. They must drink blood to survive, and can create new vampires. However, the blood need not be from humans, and higher-class vampires find human blood boorish. However, they do murder people very often. Vampires can go out into the sun, but they need to wear big floppy hats, otherwise the sun will burn all their hair off and they will look bad.

vBay

vBay is short for "Victor's Bay", an actual bay where auctions are conducted two to three times a week.

Vwishtash

Vwishtash, known as the fire season, is one of the six seasons in Foon.

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Wedding

In Foon, a wedding is quite different than those performed on Earth. It is not unusual for there to be a death at a Foonish wedding.

Weedies

Weedies are flowers that grow in weedy bushes. They can be eaten and give a variety of benefits, including pain relief and improved athletic ability. They are considered the "breakfast of athletes", and are so synonymous with athletic prowess that when a mittens player performs exceptionally well, their visage will appear above a patch of weedies.

Winter Solstice

Winter Solstice is in the heart of winter on Foon, and has many different holidays associated with it.

Witches

Witches are magic peoples native to Foon. They are also known as warlocks.

Wizards

Wizards are powerful magical beings native to Foon. They are created by various natural forces when they are needed in the land of Foon. They will assume different names in different areas or cultures in order to make it easier for people to remember and pronounce. They go by very long titles, as they like to list their major aliases and record their major accomplishments. They can all assume different forms, have "sight beyond sight", and can enter what is known as the "wizard state".

Woods of Holly

Most of the Jewish population in Foon lives in the Woods of Holly, a clement area where many of them also work.

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Yagrafell

Yagrafell was a many horned flamed beast that feeds on insecurities. He hung around the capital city and prayed upon the politicos there, corrupting them. He was banished by Spintax The Green, who cut off all of his thousands of horns, grinding them into a powder and spreading them in the Black Sea.

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