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Abandoned temples
There are a great deal of abandoned temples in Foon, often containing treasure guarded by some kind of dangerous creature or creatures, often a pack of skeletons or a giant slug.
Accidental Adultery
Accidental Adultery, or "AA", is a support group that ostensibly offers help to people who have committed accidental adultery. However, the meetings are normally just used as a a dating pool by those looking to commit adultery intentionally.
Artifact Plot
This entire section contains Spoilers
Artifacts
Artifacts are created objects with origins in the past, many of which possess magical properties. Foon's artifacts are numerous.
Astral plane
The astral plane is a non-physical location, accessible from Foon by projecting onto it in some fashion. Even though it is a non-physical location, one can also be physically imprisoned in it, as Dorian Deville was. Very often people will have long-distance relationships by using it to meet, such as with Usidore and Jyn'Leeviyah.
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Bangin' Buds
Bangin' Buds is a series of erotic fan-fiction featuring the hosts of Hello From the Magic Tavern. Chunt asked listeners to send stories that were short, sensual, but not sexual to himself, and not Arnie.
Behind the Tavern
Hello from the Magic Tavern Presents: Behind the Tavern is a spin-off series. Season one premiered on Stitcher Premium in October 2019.
Bimbletop
Bimbletop is a small hamlet at the base of the Unnameable Mountain. It is the sister village of Nibblebottom, which is on the other side of the mountain.
Birds of Foon
Birds are animals native to both Earth & Foon. Usidore the Blue just loves them.
Blade of Veysco Hallan
The Blade of Veysgo Hallan is an artifact of great power, a dagger that can kill a wizard by utterly destroying their essence.
Blue Rock Of The Sea
The Blue Rock Of The Sea is an artifact of some renown.
Book Club
The Book Club can either be a code word used to discuss the Dark Lord, or a club where people read and discuss books.
Book of Sight
The Book of Sight is a magical artifact of great power, most notably the power to create a new Dark Lord. There have been many Dark Lords over the history of Foon, and whenever one is destroyed it is considered inevitable that another individual will find the Book of Sight and transform.
Books of Foon
The books of Foon are numerous.
Bridge Trolls
Bridge Trolls are trolls that stop travellers from crossing bridges until they have answered a riddle correctly. Failure to answer the riddle correctly usually means death, although many trolls are open to making alternative arrangements.
Bridges
Bridges in Foon are not remarkably different than those on Earth, save for little differences.
Bruce
Bruce the Sky God is a demigod of Foon. He is closely linked to the fire season, Vwishtash. Bruce holds court on Thunder Road.
Burger King
Burger King is a popular Earth restaurant. Arnie uses the Wi-Fi from one particular location (or as much of the signal is able to travel through the rift into Foon) to post his podcasts.
Buttholes
The creatures land of Foon differ from those on Earth in many ways, but one of the most talked about ways on the podcast (thanks to Chunt and Arnie) is the tendency for magical creatures to have multiple buttholes. Many creatures are naturally created this way, while creatures conjured from magic often have as many as the caster desires.
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Carfoon
A carfoon is a drawing brought to life using magical paints.
Castle Nowhere
Castle Nowhere is a castle in a pocket dimension. It contains many doors that can open onto other worlds, so long as one is welcome on the other side.
Chance Food
A chance food is a food whose name starts with "may", indicating that there "may" be something unpleasant in it.
Chicago
Chicago is a city on Earth, and the home of Arnie Niekamp before his arrival in Foon.
Chu Chu's Chow
Chu Chu's Chow is the name of a late night restaraunt located in the haunted cabin hovering above the Purple Bog by the town of Hogsface. It was owned and operated by Chunt & Usidore.
Chubbin's Chamber Pots & So Forth
Chubbin's Chamber Pots & So Forth is a store in the town of Hogsface, which sells Chamber Pots, and so forth.
Clear Clarice
Clear Clarice is an anatomically-correct, transparent statue which displays a full range of biological processes.
Corruption Guild
The Corruption Guild is an association of like-minded individuals who engage in organized extra-legal activities. Members of guild are known as Made Men.
The Cockticklers
A travelling theatre troupe whose members include Tomblain Belaroth, Winky Silks, Michael Gunch, Helen Chunt, and Elmer the Puppeteer. They often put on corporate events in order to uncover murderers by reenacting the details of the murder and encourage the guilty party confess.
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Danlet
Danlet is widely considered the greatest play written in Foon. It is the story of a young boy, Danlet, whose aunt is a hunger ghost and eats Danlet's mother.
Death Parks
A park where people go to die. The most famous is Topple Land, where you climb to the top of a tree, and someone knocks it over and kills you.
Demons
Demons are magical entities native to Foon. Their relationship with wizards is generally poor.
Dimpled Sphere Of Evil
The Dimpled Sphere Of Evil is a magical artifact of great evil, and greater dimples.
Dragons
Dragons are magical species native to Foon, and seem to be similar to Earth depictions. Their scales are known to catch and glisten in the light and are often used for decorations.
Dragon's Talon
Dragon's talon is a game in which each player says something nice about each other player. Children play it for fun, while adults use it to ease social situations.
Drugs of Foon
Much like on Earth, alcohol is the most popular drug in Foon, but there are a number of drugs unique to Foon as well.
Dungeon
Dungeons are very large, but incredibly labyrinth places, usually located underground, that are divided up into various levels. They usually contain treasure & monsters in equal measure.
The Dark Lord
The Dark Lord is a malevolent entity dedicated to the conquest and destruction of Foon. He is Usidore the Blue's nemesis. Usidore has long sought to form a group of adventurers to quest & defeat him.
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Earth Bunker
This entire page contains spoilers for Season Three
Earth Games
Hello from the Magic Tavern Presents: Earth Games is a spin-off miniseries set roughly during season two of the main podcast. Season one premiered on Stitcher Premium in August 2019.
Elf On A Shelf
Elf On A Shelf Furniture is a business owned by D'athaniel Quen'yarvin in the town of Hogsface, and sells custom cabinets, shelves, and other furniture. His furniture is crafted by a method of kicking, which uses a spiked boot as a lathe.
Eunuchs
Eunuchs are people who have had their genitalia removed. In Foon, this grants them a number of magical abilities in addition to the non-magical ones attained by the mental focus that comes from a lack of sexual desire. Unlike eunuchs on Earth, the process is not permanent: their genitals are placed in a mason jar, kept moist by elf sweat, and can be reattached at any time.
Everyroad
The Everyroad is one of many names for the long major road that traverses Foon's largest continent. The Vermilion Minotaur sits alongside the Everyroad.
Eyes Of Sliddindors
The Eyes of Sliddindors are a magical artifact that can be used to view how an individuals life would be different if different choices had been made. They were created by the wizard Sliddindors.
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Feast Of St. Pedtlepats
The Feast Of St. Pedtlepats is a festival honoring St. Pedtlepats, the historical saint who introduced badgers to Foon.
Festival Of Cunnilinga
The Festival of Cunnilinga is an annual festival where year midwives gather. It features dance and wonderful music, and lasts until all the women present are satisfied with it and have gotten what they wanted.
Festival of the Satiated Hippogriff
The Festival of the Satiated Hippogriff is an event in the court of Titania Belaroth in the northeast. It is designed to find her one of her many consorts and possibly a mate. It is also well known for its moving displays on every level of human emotion.
Fingaria
Fingaria is a country in the distant north, in the frozen tundra. The inhabitants are almost entirely barbarians.
Foo
Foo is one of the three goddesses of Foon with Ooo and Oon. Foo is associated with the colour green and made the land.
Foodorfight
Foodorfight is a holiday on Foon where children roam Foon in packs or hordes, and you must either give them food or fight them to the death. Chunt personally attests to having killed a lot of kids during Foodorfight.
Foon
Foon is a magical land that is connected to Earth through a magical portal behind a Burger King in Chicago.
Foonapalooza
Once a year, the fairy folk of the woods hold a many-day long concert called Foonapalooza. At the end of the event, a child is stolen away and taken into the fairy world.
Foonationism
Foonationism is a religious belief associated with the gods of Foon. It is unknown precisely which gods.
Funeral
At funerals in Foon, everyone gathers around the deceased and eats food off of them. It's best to go to a funeral of a large person because there's more room for food. (Childrens' funerals are the worst.) Then people tell fables.
The Falsetto Marauders
The Falsetto Marauders are a mercenary group of warriors that operate in McShingleshane Forest. Their warrior call is a falsetto ululation.
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Garfunt
A garfunt is a creature that matures in a single day. In the morning it begins in its larval stage, where it uses four tiny legs to swim around in ponds. Eventually it walks onto land and sheds two legs. Finally, it will grow a third leg and begin its reproductive cycle. Garfunts are usually found by bridges over troubled waters.
Gettin' Nuts
Gettin' Nuts is Foon's most popular podcast, hosted by the shapeshifter Chunt and the wizard Usidore the Blue. A regular episode consists of the guests introducing each other, each sharing the nut they most recently ate or are currently eating, and nothing else.
Giant Spiders
Giant spiders are one of the many inhabitants of Foon. They often get work delivering supplies in the Southwest, as spiders are perfect for traversing the rocky terrain there. This is common enough that a Spider Transport Union exists to support giant spider laborers.
Gnomes
Gnomes are a small humanoid species roughly two to three squirrels tall. Gnomes can either be Guardin' Gnomes or Protected Gnomes.
Goblins
Goblins are a type of magical peoples native to Foon. They are short, squat, moist, and ugly.1
Goddesses of Foon
Foo, Ooo, and Oon are the goddesses responsible for the creation of all Foon almost 50,000 (foonish) years ago. The sky, the sea, the lands, all life and all rules of magic are their doing.
Gold Man
The Gold Man was living statue, made of gold and animated by magic, who protected the village of Foon's wealthiest Goblins.
Gorgon
A gorgon is a creature with snakes for hair, whose gaze will turn any living creature into stone.
Great Animal Lords
On Foon, the animals have a hierarchy of leadership, and it seems most if not all animals have a king or lord, as well as other royalty.
Great Blue Tigers
Great Blue Tigers are one of the rarest, most majestic, and most powerful animals in all of Foon. There were only three left in the world, until one of them, Sapphire, died at Make Out Point on a date with Chunt, leaving only Cerulean and Azure remaining.
Great Eagles
The great eagles of Foon are large, sentient eagles that are capable of lifting creatures up and carrying them. In fact, their primary purpose on Foon is to rescue wizards from danger by carrying them away. They should not be confused with regular eagles, who are not sentient nor great.
Great Halls of Terr'akkas
The Great Halls of Terr'akkas is a place where wizards (and potentially other magic users) go to learn magic and hopefully become a Champion of the Great Halls of Terr'akkas. By many accounts, the Great Halls are very old and falling apart in places.
Grimfallon
Grimfallon is a southern kingdom that has been destroyed. It was previously ruled by Good Queen Elsinore before her death.
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Harridan
Harridan is a "strange corner of Foon", where they only believe in heteronormative relations.
Hawai
Hawai is a chain of islands in the Big Bowl. It is a tropical paradise, and they practice surfing.
Hello From The Magic Tavern
Hello From The Magic Tavern is a podcast recorded by Arnie Niekamp, a human from Chicago, Earth, documenting the land of Foon. Every episode he is joined by co-hosts Chunt, a shapeshifter, and Usidore, a wizard.
Hogsface
Hogsface is a town in Foon. It is known as a tourist destination thanks to its coastal beaches and fine cuisine. It sits alongside the Everyroad, a main road that traverses Foon, and beside McShingleshane Forest.
Hunger Ghost
A hunger ghost is the ghost of a person who has died while hungry. If someone has just eaten, they are considered "hungry" until the food has digested.
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I Am Spintax! The Podcast!
Hello from the Magic Tavern Presents: I Am Spintax! The Podcast! is a spin-off miniseries starring Spintax the Green on Earth. Season one premiered on Stitcher Premium in November 2019.
Imps
Imps are tiny magical creatures who leave rubies and coins in pots and barrels all around Foon. The rubies and coins are actually their excrement. They do not have genitals, and have a larger anus in the place where they would be.
Insane Crown Posse
The Insane Crown Posse is a social group of three kings — Jeremiah, King of the Horses, the King of Otters, and formerly Chunt the King of the Badgers
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Jewish Population in Foon
Foon has a thriving Jewish community. It seems to differ slightly from the Judaism practiced on Earth, and is based on the teachings of Peter Smith, a man from Earth. Peter admits he may have made some modifications to the religion.
Jozzus Crost
Jozzus Crost, Ruler of the 8th Circle, Master of the 8th Realm of Ephysiyies, is a divine entity of Foon. You will sometimes hear Foonians say, or mis-say, his name.
The Jizzlenob Preparatory School For Young Wizards
The Jizzlenob Preparatory School For Young Wizards (also known as Jizzlenob Preparatory Academy for Young Wizards) is for "promising young wizards", though most of the student are not "true" wizards, but rather mortal beings learning magic to become mages, magicians, necromancers, etc.
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Kobolds
Kobolds are a crafty race of sentient vermin native to Foon.
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Laptop
a laptop is a piece of Earth technology used to create podcasts.
Library Of Meridanth
The Library of Meridanth is an enormous library located in Foon, as large as a small city.
Lunar Sword
The Lunar Sword is a famed weapon that cannot be defeated when wielded in the presence of light. Usidore considers it powerful enough to defeat The Dark Lord.
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Mages
Mage is one of a number of terms for magic users in Foon. They may also be called magicians, sorcerers, enchanters, or even wizards (though it may not be wise to do so in the presence of a “true” wizard).
Magic Box
A magic box is a device used on Foon to watch sporting events and other media. It is a 4 foot by 4 foot box with ten tiny men and women inside it, who receive telepathic information and recreate that information by acting it out.
Magic Cannon
Magic cannons are a form of delivery on Foon. Simply insert your object into the cannon, let it know the location, and it will fire the object there.
Magic Swords
Magic swords are swords with magical properties. Some magical properties include singing and cutting through any wood.
Make Out Point
Make Out Point is a shack where couples on Foon go. If you make it out alive, you are destined to fall in love. If you don't make it out, a ghost appears and asks you if you want to save yourself or the person you're with.
McShingleshane Forest
McShingleshane Forest is a forest in Foon. Arnie knows it best as the forest outside the Vermilion Minotaur, and the place he last left his Toyota Camry. You can also visit Smeg's List here.
Midwife
Midwives in Foon are magical. Unlike Earth, where the midwife simply aides the mother giving birth, in Foon, the midwife literally takes over for the mother halfway through her pregnancy by transferring their soul inside the mother.
Migas
Migas is an island (or series of isles) located on Foon.
Mighty Ducks
Mighty Ducks are a species in the land of Foon that are very powerful and carry crooked clubs. They are cake eaters, meaning they only eat cake.
Miracle Whip
A less expensive alternative to mayonnaise. Its manufacture most likely involves whipping with a wand. Usidore claims that its very existence is a miracle. It can be used as an inferior substitute for mayonnaise in making morglorb.
Mittens
Mittens is a recreational sport in the land of Foon. Its governing body, the Foon Mittens League (FML), is headed by Chairman Larry Birdman who admits that most of the game's rules are ridiculous. The rules were originally based on a fictional game from the children's book The Loneliest Loneliest Son of Lonely by Tom Bigglesworth.
Moon Palace
Clarice Claire's Moon Palace is a grand palace located on the Foonsty River, with lunar-themed decor. It is available for large events.
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Nibblebottom
Nibblebottom is small coastal hamlet at the base of the Unnameable Mountain.
Northeast
The Northeast is a region of Foon. It has one known kingdom, the Northeast Kingdom.
Northeast Kingdom
A (the?) country in the Northeast, long ruled by the Belaroth Dynasty.
Nymphs
Nymphs are a race in Foon that come in many varieties. They measure time differently; Gary the Forest Nymph says he is 60 hundred years old in nymph years. Nymphs have nymph nodes which can open up during certain activities such as kissing or eating spicy food. Nymphs have a Nymph Awareness Month.
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Obsidian
Obsidian is a naturally occurring volcanic glass.
Obsidian Doom
Obsidian Doom is an obsidian sword with powerful magical properties, including the ability to permanently kill a wizard. It was forged by the Necromancer Dripfang LeDesparé
Offices & Bosses
Offices and Bosses is a role-playing game where players take on a role at an office and try to avoid their boss. It takes place in a fantasy world filled with flying machines, gizmos, cities, and buildings 100 stories tall, which is fantastical to anyone from Foon. One person takes the role of the "office manager" and acts as the referee as well as playing any extra characters required. Usually players' "jobs" involve doing one repetitive task.
Offices & Bosses (series)
Offices & Bosses is a spin-off miniseries of the main podcast. The tabletop role-playing game Offices & Bosses was introduced in episode 32, "Offices & Bosses", when Arnie, Chunt and Usidore met Metamore. In this series Metamore returns to reprise his role as Office Manager and guide the other players through their campaigns.
Oon
Oon is one of the three goddesses of Foon with Foo and Ooo. Oon is white and grey and made the sun and sky.
Ooo
Ooo is one of the three goddesses of Foon with Foo and Oon. Ooo is blue and made the seas.
Orange Beast Riddle
The Orange Beast Riddle is a riddle concealing the location of a powerful weapon hidden in the Vermilion Minotaur.
Orcs
Orcs are a type of creature native to Foon. They are creations of the Dark Lord, and as such Usidore the Blue believes them completely incapable of goodness.
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Pandenomicon
The Pandenomicon is a book written by Spintax the Green chronicling the demons that he has met and subsequently banished. It features a foreword by Can the Wizard. 72% of all entries in the Pandenomicon are about how Spintax defeated someone through a sexual conquest. Page 192 features an illustration titled 'A Dick' which is just a picture of Usidore.
Path of Destiny
A path in McShingleshane Forest which leads you to your destiny.
Penelope Penelope
Penelope Penelope is a human girl living on Earth, who Spintax the Green believes is the key to defeating the Void.
Penhaligon's Pretty Potties
Penhaligon's Pretty Potties is a chamber pot store in the town of Hogsface, catering to the more discerning defecator. It is located on Northwest High Street.
#philthevoid
#philthevoid is an alternate spelling of "Fill the Void", which was Spintax the Green's strategy to slow the advance of the Void.
Phoenix University
The University of Phoenix is a school in Foon. It is named so because the every day the professors die and are born again in flame. Usidore sometimes transforms into an eight-foot-tall woman and teaches math there as Susan Doku.
Pinglets
Pinglets are tiny pig-like creatures with fluffy wings making them capable of flight.
Pitocin
Pitocin is a god in the land of Foon. He is the Lord of the Souls, and assists midwives in delivery of babies.
Prophecy
Prophecy is very real in the land of Foon. True prophecy accurately predicts future events, and cannot be contradicted. However, there are always false prophecies. It is a pastime of some people of Foon to listen to prophecies, current and old. Older prophecies that turned out to be false are mostly forgotten, though people can listen to them again as "oldies" are often nostalgic.
Puppies
In Foon, puppies exist, however, they are only visible to those who have had a moment of true joy or have seen someone die. It is possible that you must have had your moment of pure joy while in Foon, as Arnie claims to have had such a moment at the birth of his child, yet could not see them until he later witnessed actual death.
The Parasocial
The Parasocial is a tavern located in Foon.
The Penelope
This article is about the artifact The Penelope. For the human child, see Penelope Penelope.
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Rainbow Bowls
A rainbow bowl is a delicious non-alcoholic drink that sends your mind through time. Despite this description it is treated as a milder alternative to alcohol.
Raven's Crew
The Raven's Crew is a religious cult that kidnaps children, brings them to their palace, and brainwash them. They are marginally better than the Falsetto Marauders because at least they don't smack children.
Red Potion
Red Potion is a common magical concoction available in Foon, which restores ones health.
Religions Of Foon
Though the term religion takes on different meaning in a world where magic and the supernatural are commonplace, there are many belief systems in Foon that fit the term.
Resonance Stones
Resonance Stones are magical items capable of transmitting sounds great distances. They are sometimes called "rocky-talkies".
Robot Arnie
Robot Arnie is a robotic version of Arnie the Mysterious Man keeps aboard the Space Bunker. His duties mostly consist of reading announcements. He insists he is not a robot.
Ruffled Feather
The Ruffled Feather is tavern located in McShingleshane Forest. The patrons are scoundrels and ne'er-do-wells, and dark magic services can be obtained there.
Rune
Rune is a magical communication method, allowing users to communicate visually and audibly at great distances.
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The Strange Familiar
The Strange Familiar is a tavern in the town of Nibblebottom. Arnie, Chunt, & Usidore broadcast the fourth season of Hello From the Magic Tavern from there.
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This Very Table
The table from which Arnie records the podcast Hello From the Magic Tavern. It is a round table, carved from oak and stained (although it's been a while).
Ti-Bo
Ti-Bo is an exercise regiment that is popular among people that are tired of boating, hence the name.
Tosser
A Tosser is the highest award given in Foon for acting. The award is so named because it awards the actor that can best toss off their own identity and assume that of another.
Toyota Camry
The Toyota Camry is an automobile vehicle owned by Arnie Niekamp, which he was driving through the Burger King drivethrough when he fell into the dimensional portal leading to Foon.
#Treesistance
The Treesistance was a resistance movement against the Dark Lord originating in McShingleshane Forest.
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Unnameable Mountain
The Unnameable Mountain is a mountain with three peaks in a remote part of Foon. A primordial magic makes it impossible to give a name.
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Black Spire Volcano
The Black Spire Volcano is Foon's only volcano. It is located on a small island at sea.
The Void
The Void is an encroaching nothingness that threatens to destroy all existence.
Vacuum-Packed
In Foon, vacuum-packing is performed by encasing an item inside a seed pod and zipping it shut with Elven forces to save space.
Vampires
Vampires on Foon are very much like the vampires on Earth. They must drink blood to survive, and can create new vampires. However, the blood need not be from humans, and higher-class vampires find human blood boorish. However, they do murder people very often. Vampires can go out into the sun, but they need to wear big floppy hats, otherwise the sun will burn all their hair off and they will look bad.
vBay
vBay is short for "Victor's Bay", an actual bay where auctions are conducted two to three times a week.
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Wedding
In Foon, a wedding is quite different than those performed on Earth. It is not unusual for there to be a death at a Foonish wedding.
Weedies
Weedies are flowers that grow in weedy bushes. They can be eaten and give a variety of benefits, including pain relief and improved athletic ability. They are considered the "breakfast of athletes", and are so synonymous with athletic prowess that when a mittens player performs exceptionally well, their visage will appear above a patch of weedies.
WiFi
WiFi is an abbreviation of "Witch's Fight".
Winter Solstice
Winter Solstice is in the heart of winter on Foon, and has many different holidays associated with it.
Wizards
Wizards are powerful magical beings native to Foon. They are created by various natural forces when they are needed in the land of Foon. They will assume different names in different areas or cultures in order to make it easier for people to remember and pronounce. They go by very long titles, as they like to list their major aliases and record their major accomplishments. They can all assume different forms, have "sight beyond sight", and can enter what is known as the "wizard state".
Wizards' Guild
The Wizards' Guild is an association of Foon's wizards created by Jyn’Leeviyah the Red. As wizards generally act independently and toward their own purposes, such associations are rare in Foonish history.
Woods of Holly
Most of the Jewish population in Foon lives in the Woods of Holly, a clement area where many of them also work.
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Yagrafell
Yagrafell was a many horned flamed beast that feeds on insecurities. He hung around the capital city and prayed upon the politicos there, corrupting them. He was banished by Spintax The Green, who cut off all of his thousands of horns, grinding them into a powder and spreading them in the Black Sea.
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