Mittens

Mittens is a recreational sport in the land of Foon. Its governing body, the Foon Mittens League (FML), is headed by Chairman Larry Birdman who admits that most of the game's rules are ridiculous. The rules were originally based on a fictional game from the children's book The Loneliest Loneliest Son of Lonely by Tom Bigglesworth.

Rules and Regulations

  • The field is 2000 meters long and 9 meters wide.
  • Teams consist of: A Baskin, a Quarterback, 19 Hillsmen, and 10 Miscellaneous
  • The goal of the Baskin is to get the team's potted flower from one end of the pitch to the other. That’s worth 1 point
  • If a bird comes in the field and you catch it, that’s 700 points.
  • Baskins are also required to eat disgustingly hot items, study foreign languages, and many other difficult tasks.
  • Games take about 2 weeks.
  • Players may kill each other for acceptable reasons. Acceptable reasons that a player can kill another on the field include:
    • Entering another players line-of-sight without permission
    • Mispronouncing another teams name
    • If a player has ever committed adultery, intentional or otherwise.
  • At anytime in the first third of a game either team may demand the game start over. These "first trimester abortions" can extend matches for weeks.
  • If a team breaks a rule, the other team loses a player, which leads to teams breaking the rules on purpose. Teams often counter this by distracting the referee or knocking them unconscious so they don't notice the other team breaking a rule.
  • You may strike the enemy team with a wooden chair. Metal chairs are illegal.

Cavalcade

The most important Mittens event is the Super Mittens Cavalcade. The second and third place teams play in Cavalcade part one and the winner plays the last place team in Cavalcade part two. Part two starts as soon as part one ends. If you win the regular season, you aren't eligible for the Cavalcade and your team doesn't play for 10 years.

10th Anniversary Round Table Round Robin Circular Superstationwagon

Every ten years the winners of past Cavalcades (who have not been able to play Mittens since their win) get together for a ten-way match. Ten fields are put together, and then teams start in the middle and have a battle. Losers are banned from Mittens for life. The Most Valuable Player is coated in gold and sold.

The most recent

Viewership

74% of Foon were watching via in-person, telepathy, magic box, trans-soul deliverance, walk'n'pop, and murdered horse blood. 91% of males, 89% of females, and 38% of creatures.1

Teams

  • The Festering Wounds
  • The Scrr Buzzards
  • The Hogsface Poison Blades (disbanded after Arnie threw Flower off a cliff2, however they have since petitioned to start a new one)
  • The Capitol City White Trash
  • Daggerdale
  • Lyfe, a team that is known for having a strong early game. Pro-Lyfe fans are well-known for disliking the rule that allows a game to start over.

Notable Players

  • Sam Stout
    • One of the 15 best Hillsmen in the world
    • 7 time all-star
    • Originally had a Jewish name
  • Larry Birdman
    • Before becoming commissioner of the FML, Birdman was, conservatively, one of the top 20 players in the sport
    • Invented the two-handed plant grasp
    • Won two Round Table Round Robin Circular Superstationwagons
    • Forced to retire after losing the 3rd
  • Dick Wizardry
    • A long-time rival of Larry Birdman
    • His original name is Irvine
  • Kareem Abdul-Al Sindar
    • Declared MVP of a 10th Anniversary Round Table Round Robin Circular Superstationwagon, he was coated in gold and sold to a pervert

Proposed Reforms

Many players and former players, including Larry Birdman, want to reform the sport to have it make more sense. Those opposing this are called "traditionalists", and they insist that the game should remain loyal to the canon of the The Loneliest Loneliest Son of Lonely book series. The reforms proposed include:

  • Getting rid of the bird-catching rule, to avoid scores like 2800 to 10
  • Changing the penalty system to punish the team that breaks the rule
  • Getting rid of the first trimester rule

Notes

  • When a player retires, they put on a jersey with a number written on the back. The player then runs for an hour. If no one can catch them, they go in the circle of fame.
  • Players are recruited through “The Reap” in April. Many don't survive.
  • Strategically, you want one of your Hillsmen to be a wizard so they can disintegrate birds brought by fans.
  • A move known as "the dick" is to start to go left and then go right.
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