S2 BONUS - Sickly Heir, Dwarf and Elf (live from the London Podcast Festival)
Sickly Heir, Dwarf and Elf (live from the London Podcast Festival)
Hello from the Magic Tavern episode
Air date October 17, 2018
Episode no. Bonus
Episode Link
Hosts Arnie, Chunt, Usidore
Guests Sickly Prince Phillius, Anghallard the Dwarf, Garreth the Elf
Producers Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Associate Producer {$associateproducer}
Editor Garrett Schultz
Logo Allard Laban
Theme music Andy Poland
Audio assistance Jason Knox
Production assistance Garrett Schultz
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"Sickly Heir, Dwarf and Elf" is a bonus episode set sometime during season two of Hello from the Magic Tavern. It was originally released on October 17, 2018 on Stitcher Premium.

This episode was recorded live at the London Podcast Festival at Kings Place on September 16, 2018.


It's a fun night in the tavern, with a visit from a very weak prince and a happily married dwarf and elf. (This episode takes place roughly between episodes 260 and 280, but is not particularly spoilery.)


Arnie starts the usual intro, but stumbles a little to explain. He introduces his badger-sized badger friend Chunt. Arnie is taken aback slightly with Chunt's positivity, despite all the shit they've been though. As Arnie explains that the Dark Lord has taken over the tavern, which feels "different" in a way, a person in the back yells "Fuck the Dark Lord" and is immediately beheaded. Either way, they promise to make an effort to remain positive. Chunt shows off Mallory, a small badger he caught outside of the tavern, which he pulls out of his side vagina. Arnie apologies that he has been calling Chunt by the wrong pronouns, but he says he is a he/him/his and lets go of the badger, releasing it to a person with a crown, whom may owe Chunt 6 pounds.

Chunt suggests a game of Truth or Dare where the person being asked must either say a fact or go on an adventure. Arnie chooses truth and Chunt asks Arnie's Favorite thing about him, which Arnie responds with Chunt's loyalty. After Chunt gives his email, moc.liamg|ttttttnuhc#moc.liamg|ttttttnuhc, Usidore comes in with his intro and wards about one of his secret names that would turn bark to glass and glass to bark. Chunt asks about Usidore's obsidian arm. Usidore is excited about the energy in the room and the tree make a pact to stick together, instead of turning against one another for a cheap joke, and fuck with the guests instead. However, they are not allowed to fuck the guest. Usidore fiddles with his hat and contemplates getting a new one as he gives prose to the ceiling. They then take turns saying some positive phrases.

Arnie introduces their first guest, Prince Phillius, son of King Millius the King of the Northwest. He says he had a rough day, but his appearance show that his life has been rough. Although he is prince regent, he has a singular weak lung as the other lung was accidentally given to a bandit. Prince Phillius would be more than happy to obtain a new lung. The group asks if he has always been sick and if he is contagious. The answers is yes and probably, respectfully. However, since he is royalty, he can do whatever he wants, he has already spat in their drinks and openly mocks the poor. He demonstrates his diplomatic immunity by hitting Arnie, but it causes his nose to bleed and his knuckles to be broken, while Arnie seems fine. The prince chases Chunt to use his tail to wipe his now, but Usidore offers his beard instead.

Prince Phillius tells the group that he must prove his worth to be king while his father is away (his uncle is "looking after" the queen at the moment). Unfortunately, bandits have taken his family hierloom; a jewel encrusted cup with gems on the inside and a handle of a unicorn's shin bone. During his quest to find it, he has already lost his sword and eaten his hunting dog when he thought he did not have enough food for his journey. It has also been rough since this is his first time out with the common folk and is out of touch with their hardworking ways. With each telling of his plight, he loses an appendage. Usidore suggests faking the cup to rule as king while his father is away and winning the hearts of his future people by using the taxes to improve their lives. He takes this idea and wants to make his subjects win the money with a tournament to the death or a talent competition, which he will also compete in. Prince Phillius shows off his talents for singing and dancing, but ends up losing his leg.

Just in case the Prince dies during the episode, Arnie invites two more guest; the married couple Anghallard the Dwalf and Garreth the Elf. As the host struggles with the pronunciation of their names, they explain that they have been married for ten years, with Anghallard being the town census keeper while getting education in aromatherapy and Garreth being the town's dissolver and life coach. They also have nine kids together, which they alternate the birthing process. Although their marriages had their challenges, such as the ongoing strife between dwarves and elves, they compliment each other in may ways, both physically and emotionally. Arnie still cannot say their names correctly, which prompts Anghallard and Garreth to call him Mr. Kneecaps and wonder why Arnie did not reinvent himself once entering the new world. Anghallard makes an simple remark, saying elves are cooler than dwarves, Arnie says she's pretty cool, which Anghallard immediately rejects his advances. He tells the group that he is married (and his parents and his wife are probably not enjoying this part of the episode), but Garreth finds that Arnie has done 2 out of the four things that would dissolve a marriage in Foon. Luckily, Usidore has been renewing his vows each year.

The host try to include the other two guests in Prince Phillius contest for talent, so they ask them if they have any special skills. Anghallard is a good communicator, good at counting, friendly, and gives great head. Garreth is good at dissolving things, not limited to marriages. Prince Phillius tells Garereth that Usidore can give him a nose beard like he has, which Garreth corrects him by asking if he means a mustache. He recognizes a very similar mustache on a gentlemen outside, who is eerily selling a similar cup to what Prince Phillius is looking for. Usidore and Chunt start a Gettin' Cups? while Arnie rallies the guest to a Gettin' Butts. When Usidore brings the cup to Prince Phillius, he says that the cup looks sort of like the one he is looking for, but not really. Arnie points out the cup that he brought in and Prince Phillius realizes he had the cup all along.

New characters

  • Mallory, a small badger from Chunt's side vagina
  • Ceiling Dion, the ceiling
  • Uncle Peter, King Millius's presumed brother who is tending to the Queen's garden while the king is away. He bares resemblance to Prince Phillius's brothers.
  • Uncle Susan, Anghallard's Uncle who was smashed in the face with an axe.

Earth references

  • Tolkien
  • Throwing Shade podcast
  • Burger Kings in London
  • Big Ben
  • "Stuck In The Middle With You" by Stealers Wheels
  • British pounds
  • Truth or Dare (the game and the movie)
  • Backwards cap
  • "I Will Always Love You" covered by Celine Dion
  • Bless this mess
  • "Always Look on the bright side of life" by Eric Idle for Monty Python's Life of Brian
  • Cockney accents
  • Bedazzled
  • American Idol
  • So You Think You Can Dance
  • Britian's got Talent, the golden buzzer
  • "Opposites Attract" and "Cold Hearted" by Paula Abdul
  • Peter Greenhouse
  • Greenhouse gardens
  • A Boy named Sue
  • Ellis Island
  • Welsh
  • West Side Story
  • Musical Chairs


  • Elves' names have power too. Garreth's, in particular, is a killing word when said around obsidian or slate. He is also from the Northeast.
  • A few of the names suggested for Arnie to take are as follows:
    • Mister Kneecaps
    • Master Kneecap
    • Admiral Kneecap
    • Johnny Niekamp
    • Kneecap Kneecap
  • According to Garreth, there are Four Ways to Dissolve a Marriage in Foon:
    • 3 year absence
    • prolong time in another dimension
    • strong acid
    • murder
  • Garreth and Chunt were previously seen at the club, The Flame, where Chunt was a moth
  • In the Northwest, it is common for royalty to may each other, thus the round churches and everyone being related to each other.
  • The Mysterious Man has read Pride and Prejudice twice.

Behind the scenes

  • During the live performance, Chunt makes it a point to knock down all the water bottles on stage.
  • They previously released the vod of the event, which is now no longer active. There are some clips available on the King's Place YouTube channel. Link One Link Two
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