Season 2, Ep 12 – Unwed Mother
Unwed Mother
Hello from the Magic Tavern episode
Air date June 5, 2017
Episode no. S02E12
Episode Link
Hosts Arnie, Chunt, Usidore
Guests Daphne the Unwed Mother
Producers Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Associate Producer {$associateproducer}
Editor Chris Rathjen
Logo Allard Laban
Theme music Andy Poland
Audio assistance Jason Knox
Production assistance Garrett Schultz
Squarespace (code: MAGIC) and ZipRecruiter
Episode chronology
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"Surveillance Spider" "Gargoyle Girl"
List of episodes

“Unwed Mother” is the twelveth episode of season two of Hello from the Magic Tavern. It was originally released on June 5, 2017.


Daphne the overworked mother is helping to run the tavern on behalf of the Dark Lord. Also, Chunt’s new guard friend seems very strange.


Arnie informs Chunt the Guard that the show is down to one listener, Hank. This is for you, Hank.

Chunt is really enjoying the guard life. He and the other guards hang out at the Guard Rock Cafe and have a great time, despite their overpriced shirts. Arnie is a little jealous of this new camaraderie, but Chunt would love to bring Arnie and Usidore in as guards too. Usidore doesn't think anyone would buy him as a guard.

Chunt points out some of his new guard buds: Cockroach Clown, a cockroach in clown makeup, and Wheel Bear, a bear with wheels for legs. Chunt finds Cockroach Clown unnerving, but funny… kinda. But he'll scatter if you light a candle.

Chunt outlines some of the new Guard Stuff he's learned like Close Up Combat and knock codes. Usidore reminds them they should be concentrating on the BOOK CLUB (wink!). Arnie asks Hank to send in a book.

Blemish has taken over the Vermilion Minotaur again, employing Daphne the Unwed Mother as a bar maid. She seems a little stressed out and bitter about Arnie rejecting her advances.

Arnie has tried wandering around Hogsface and has dropped some LBs. He figured out the Dark Lord was trying to fatten him up. Usidore apologizes directly to Hank for two years and three months of utter nonsense and asks him to listen instead to Gettin' Nuts. Next week: Macadamias!

While Arnie was wandering, he happened upon an orc wake. A lot of orc death at wakes. Walking back, he saw the Dark Lord's witches and magicians tossing dirt in the air to figure out the wifi signal. Arnie is confused about the difference between magicians and wizards. Exasperated, Usidore reminds him that wizards are born, other mage must learn their craft. Chunt tells of a magician who did a show at the Guard Rock Cafe.

After the ad break, the lads confess they're concerned about Daphne and invite her to join them At This Very Table. Arnie reminds her he has a wife in another world, which feels to the rest like a lame excuse. Usidore doesn't understand her attraction to Arnie, as he doesn't seem like anyone's salvation. He gives her a condescending pep talk, but she sees through it. She mentions she's been seeing Momo for talk therapy. Usidore tries setting her up with Mundle the Grundle, but things fizzle after he pulls out his vibraslap.

Arnie hypothesizes that Daphne may actually be dead and not just dead inside. She trudges off to clean the bar, wipedy-wipe, clean clean clean.

Bangin' Buds

Chunt reads the first Foonfic submission. In it, Arnie is recording the podcast and drops a mic on Chunt's foot. Flirtation ensues, and a sensual tear wells up in Arnie's eye. (He seems like the type to cry during sex, right? )

The next submission is a limerick:

Arnie was lonely in bed
I need a new woman, he said
He hit it off with Momo
But she's too small, it's a no-go
To our surprise, she crushed Arnie instead


Gavin from Chicago writes that Gavin Dildohammer is one of his favorite characters and asks for an update.
Answer: Usidore has no news, but he'll keep his eyes open. He mentions that his only visitor in prison is Pizza Skull.

Another email offers Prison tips:

  1. Squats
  2. Toilet bowl red potion
  3. Don't shout jokes at the screen during Movie Night

New characters

Earth references

Behind the scenes

Unwed Mother
Image Unavailable
Arnie, Daphne, Chunt, Usidore
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