Season 2, Ep 23 – Used Horse Salesman
Season 2, Ep 23 – Used Horse Salesman
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Air Date: August 21, 2017 Episode Link
Previous Episode S02E23 Next Episode
Hosts: Arnie, Usidore, Chunt Guests: Rocky Cocodino the Used Horse Salesman
Producers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Editor: Garrett Schultz Theme Music: Andy Poland Logo: Allard Laban
Audio Assistance: Jason Knox
Production Assistance: Garrett Schultz

Sponsored by: Punch Escrow and Audible

Description

"Ex-squire Rocky Cocodino is here to sell some lightly used warhorses."

Summary

Chunt is still Li'l Squish. #LilSquishinIt. Maybe. He's on the fence and starts the show over several times. He's a little distracted, because he's been diagnosed with a Haunted Butthole. Usidore half-heartedly attempts an exorcism, but he only sees a pair of eyes. Arnie gives it a shot himself, peering up the SquishTunnel, which was the point of the prank. Thank you, Aprel Füls!

Chat turns to the Dark Lord's birthday, where Usidore will challenge him to a duel and destroy him. Chunt has been informed he's on Beef Duty, but he's not sure what that entails.

Arnie introduces this week's guest, Rocky Cocodino, a used horse salesman. He's brought a selection of horses with him, on the way to Night of Horses. One of them is magic, and has a backwards head due to a botched counterspell. It's not really a riding horse. Another beast is missing a back leg. Used does not mean used-up. They just need to be upcycled a bit. Chunt isn't very good at haggling and is quoted ten gold more than he has. He hits up Arnie for the difference. Arnie isn't sure why Chunt needs a horse, as Hogsface isn't that big. Wait…is this for…turning into? Nope, Chunt assures him, Christopher is just for riding.

Usidore doesn't really need a horse because he is tight with Grimhoof, the Fifth Fastest Horse in Foon. Arnie has no equestrian background. Rocky leaves to bring the horses inside the tavern. The lads huddle, and Arnie attempts to convince them to be cool. They're bad at it.

Arnie confesses his distaste for salesmen. Rocky explains he is merely trying to save these horses from an early death. Chunt and Usidore convince Arnie he's looking pretty old these days. On the cusp of an early 40s crisis, Arnie realizes he needs a horse! Twosidore appears out of nowhere and drops some zen. Arnie is complete as he is. Chunt is not convinced and asks Rocky for the smallest, reddest, most topless horse he has. Rocky offers up Jeanzo. He comes standard with a built-in saddle, trot control, a long, lazy tail, and one mid-sized butthole. He also comes with marebags emblazoned with "Rocky Cocodino". Rocky admits he lied. The horse's name is David. Arnie still hates salesfolk.

After the ad break, Arnie is beginning to come around, but he wants to sleep on it. This annoys Rocky. He confesses that Chunt's horse Christopher is really named Comrade. Usidore convinces Arnie he deserves to be happy. And happiness comes in the form of a used horse. Rocky adds he can throw in a portal tracker for an extra two thousand gold. He even offers three free blood changes. Chunt suggests buying a mostly dead horse and placing its head in Twosidore's bed to send a message.

Arnie is almost convinced, but there must be cupholders. The ears can double as cupholders, but that affects the sound system. Arnie is out. Sound system is key. Usidore feels bad about the blown sale, so he gives Rocky all his money. Rocky gives him Chad…no, it's Chode. Chode was a troll's horse, and is quite wide.

BANGIN' BUDS: Chunt offers a gift of feedback - please make the stories shorter.

EMAILS: Alexander writes that he works as a postman in a small town in Germany while on summer break. Delivering packages isn't very magical except for a few old evil witches who scream at him occasionally.

Arnie names Alexander Bucky Conklin

Caleb in Canada asks who has been taking care of Usidore's cat during his imprisonment, and did Arnie have any pets on Earth?

Answer: Usidore's cat comes and goes as she pleases, and Arnie had an adorable pupper named Tea. Arnie names Caleb Longmumps.

Listener returned home to Detroit from a trip to Chicago, went through the drive thru at a Burger King, and found a parchment in the bag. It reads:

The Lay of Foon

Lo behold this Foon, fertile and festive, its magic full
Realm of many turncoats and thieves, bards and beasts, romantics and rascals
A time of plenty has gone
This land laid waste with longing evil eye lurching in fear, Dark Lord laughing
Long limbs leeching from life depraved and desolate
Nameless, his numerous numbers unknown
Unleashed legions left unchecked
But hold! (butthole?) These three holes or measures of men
Heroes held, warriors of waiting, hidden real realms and wrath
Boon brothers bravely will breach black gates gone
Witness a merry mustelid, banging badger, Chunt's choice, cunning and quick of wit
Weary words left wanting
Shifter of shape and and sick, snickers and twitters left bereft of quip
Wanton and wiley this king of chordata
Many hidden hats hung on his head
Highborn herald when Diego thank you
No knave need kneel afore this Niekamp
Hold Lunar Knife high
Daughter's deserter and family abandoned
Troubled thoughts of world and wife concerned
Memories meandering mistaken
Coitus confused, goblin gifted
Larval son sprang forth, fly free for three days
Homeland honored, humbly left unspoken
Tavern's travelers, tedious and tumultuous
Rude ruses roused unsuitably questioned
Asked without thought, "What's next?"
The boisterous blue babbling bold, bursting through
Pontificating prophesy wine while wishes upon these wizard's sleeves hang slack
Starlings' scourge, tiny hat, magic's mysterium, long fang friend, fiend, and foe
Orcs are evil
Secret names spoke softly, nuances unknown
Lover of bird and rock, binder of rebellion, builder of revolt
Soup in my butt, eater of nuts
These three hold keys to locks unbound
Their spies and moles are paramount
Its pages dark and hard to turn
These heroes three, its book will burn

Written by the Nameless (not the Dark Lord)

The episode ends as Usidore exits dramatically, calling, "COME CHODE!" to Chunt's palpable discomfort.

Foon Sponsor

New Characters

  • Nibbles, the mouse currently renting space in Usidore's hat

Additional Appearances

Earth References

Notes

Arnie says he didn't know there were doctors on Foon, but he seems to have forgotten that they have been mentioned before, he has played "Cat or Doctor," and a physician has even been on as a podcast guest: Crance Windowwhistle on season 1, episode 62 "The Healer".

Behind the Scenes

Used Horse Salesman
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Arnie, Rocky the used horse salesman, Chunt AKA Lil' Squish and Usidore
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