Season 2, Ep 31 – Bard, Elf and Fortune Teller (Live from Chicago)
Season 2, Ep 31 – Bard, Elf and Fortune Teller (Live from Chicago)
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Air Date: October 16, 2017 Episode Link
Previous Episode S02E31 Next Episode
Hosts: Arnie, Usidore, Chunt Guests: Devan Whistlestring, D'athaniel Quen'yarvin, Borghilde the Fortune Teller
Producers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Editor: Garrett Schultz Theme Music: Andy Poland Logo: Allard Laban
Additional Sound Effects:
Sponsored by: Squarespace code: TAVERN

Description

"The Tavern is packed with people, including a mysterious bard, DQ the elf and an amateur fortune teller. Also, Usidore conjures images from Arnie’s home: Chicago."

Summary

The tavern is at capacity!

Chunt and Arnie stand awkwardly for a while with two seats between them like the good friends they are. Chunt reminds everyone that Arnie poops standing up so it’s a comfortable position for him.

Their first guest is Devan Whistlestring, a traveling bard!

Apparently in order to be a wizard, all you have to do is let Usidore bite you. Devan likes getting bit, like a motherfucker. There’s a spiel about mother fucking and biting and Arnie says hello to the little child in the front row. Chunt wishes the child’s poor mom good luck, because she will have to answer a LOT of questions on the way home.

Devan has a Festival of Riots he needs to get to, so he cannot stay long. The riots have to do with the hay markets and people not being happy about their prices, so they hold a festival of riots to celebrate the fire season during Vwishtash. .

Devan has a “potentially world-breaking revelation” that he IS the Dark Lord!

(Side note: As one can imagine, the look of “Oh shit” on Arnie’s face is absolutely priceless during this moment.)

Everyone, naturally, starts freaking out.

Oh wait…there’s a little mix up. Devan is confusing articles again… he’s A dark lord, not THE Dark Lord. Whoops. (Nice recovery, guys)

Before he has to go, Arnie asks him to sing a song and gets the simpletons of the tavern to snap along.

He sings a little ditty. Usidore asks about “Random Opportunity the Rapper” from Chicago. Devan asks about Chicago and if he would find other people like him there. Arnie starts to sweat a bit.

Devan sings another song about calling someone to tell them you love them, even though he doesn’t know what a phone is.

Devan has to leave for the festival of riots. Chunt says someone probably just walked in saying “What did I miss?” Arnie applauds Chunt for not missing his shot.

Usidore sings another little jingle that Arnie brought from his world: “I can’t believe it’s not butter!” Arnie reminds him of the other song he taught him: “Doritos!”

Usidore casts a spell that allows him to see to his home, Chicago. The first picture shows a part of Chicago that Arnie couldn’t even begin to guess how much it would cost to live there. Also, there’s an EVIL TOWER looming in the background. *shudder*

Chicago

The visage reminds Chunt of something his father used to say to him: “Standing tall, on the wings of your dreams. Rise and fall on the wings of your dreams…” Arnie has trouble finishing it but does.

The next photo is of a giant metal clitoris! Nah, it’s just The Bean. Usidore fears he destroyed Chicago because it is all warped!

Bean

The next photo is of Wrigley Field. Arnie can’t imagine anything has changed since he’s been gone, the team has always sucked.

WrigleyField

The next photo is of The Music Box Theatre. The theater’s marquee says “Beatles. Demon. Goat.” And Usidore wants one.

MusicBox

Arnie used to go there when he was back on Earth. He saw the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” the day he proposed to his wife.

And lastly…THE BURGER KING! Usidore and Chunt get on their knees to bow before royalty. Arnie has apparently been on his knees after visiting the Burger King. He understands Burger King will never sponsor the podcast. The pictures vanish and Arnie appreciates the sentiment.

BurgerKing

Meanwhile, DQ is back! Arnie tries out the nickname “Dath” again, but it doesn’t take. Arnie asks what DQ has been up to with the Treesistance. DQ and Caball'on have been journaling. Arnie would like to know what they journal about. DQ offers to share a little bit of his journal with the tavern and weaves a tale about he and Caball'on picking flowers, and how Caball'on got all the good ones. DQ felt slighted and slightly vengeful, but he expressed those feelings in a positive way and Caball'on gave him half his flowers. Then DQ kicked him because he liked it. Then he had a weird dream. And that’s how the Treesistance is going!

DQ says it’s all about defeating evil with love. One person clapped. DQ says you should probably avoid the clap when it comes to love. Speaking of love… DQ has found someone! She comes to the table and introduces herself as Borghilde the fortune teller.

She has a very… unique… voice. She sees it as a gift and not a non-gift.

DQ met her and asked her to tell him his fortune so she looked. And she found one. Just not his. Chunt asks if she can see a fortune right now. The fortune she says is: “You will find a coin you thought you lost and it will come in handy to pry something open you could not open.” DQ reminds us that the fortune may not apply to anyone.

Arnie asks for a “more bigger” fortune. “The Dark Lord is gonna come down and he is going to be like ‘Whoa, who did that?’” Usidore claims his stake on this being his fortune.

Borghilde says “Oh brother” many times and Chunt realizes that DQ and Borghilde sort of look alike. Arnie catches on. DQ says that sometimes he calls her BQ… because she is a Quen’Yarvin. It comes out that DQ’s father ran out on his family and Borgy’s family is the “other family”.

Usidore asks them to join his quest. DQ declines because their father needs their help. But DQ says that if he can find his father and help him, he may bring him back to help Usidore’s quest.

Arnie asks to talk to DQ alone. Arnie is concerned that it’s not really in DQ’s best interest to go off with his half-sister if he is in love with her. DQ doesn’t really care. Usidore sings the Love Boat then launches into his normal spiel about the Dark Lord.

They will head to the Westlands. Before they go off, Usidore asks Borgy for one more fortune: “Victory will belong to somebody.”

Arnie raises a glass to freedom, something they can never take away, no matter what they tell you. Chunt proclaims they’ll tell the story of tonight. Arnie’s bad math skills come into play when he has to count before saying: tonight there’s only five of us, but tomorrow they’ll be alive of us (makes total sense). Chunt posits if the Niekamp can get married, there’s hope for our ass after all.

Foon Sponsor

New Characters

Additional Appearances

Robot Arnie

Earth References

Riot Fest
Jeezy
Haymarket Riot
"Rich Girl" - Hall & Oates
Kit Kat
Menards
Chance the Rapper
"I Just Called to Say I Love You" - Stevie Wonder
Hamilton
"Sweet Home Chicago"
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter
Doritos
Perfect Strangers
Chicago landmarks:

It's a Wonderful Life
Death Becomes Her
Daft Punk
gonorrhea
"Death and the Maiden"
Mystery Science Theater 3000
"Fortune favors the bold"
Swedish Chef - Muppets
Wheel of Fortune, Pat Sajak
O Brother, Where Art Thou?
Salt-water taffy
That's all folks
The Love Boat

Notes

Behind the Scenes

Chunt, Usidore, Devan Whistlestring, Arnie, Borghilde, and DQ
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