Season 2, Ep 35 – New Guy (Live from Brooklyn)
New Guy
Hello from the Magic Tavern episode
Air date November 13, 2017
Episode no. S02E35
Episode Link
Hosts Arnie, Chunt, Usidore
Guests SAD Bard, Barth, Bungaree Chubbins
Producers Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Associate Producer {$associateproducer}
Editor Garrett Schultz
Photographer Danielle DeNoble
Theme music Andy Poland
Audio assistance Jason Knox
Production assistance Garrett Schultz
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"New Guy" is the thirty-fifth episode of season two of Hello from the Magic Tavern. It was originally released on November 13, 2017.


It’s a busy night in the tavern. We talk to a prolific but cursed bard, a guy who just moved to town with his wife and a beloved old longtime sponsor.


Arnie is feeling competitive tonight and wants to set up a rivalry between the Vermilion Minotaur and the Smouldering Widow. Seriously, fuck the Smouldering Widow. (Arnie appears to be back on the Red Potion. One day at a time, Arnie.) After warning the tavern that uttering any of his secret names would cause your hair and nails to grow uncontrollably, Usidore bows to peer pressure, and the lads each share one of their secret names. Chunt was for a time Li'l Squish. Chunt reminds Arnie that he was Fat Shaggy, and Usidore notes that near the oceans of Califor, the whales know him as AAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOsidore. He also confesses that when Arnie makes fun of his names like Hoobastank and Fangy Yelly, his feelings are hurt. So manipulative, Usi. And yet? So confident.

Arnie introduces their first guest, a sad bard. Usidore is excited to meet him… so he can destroy him. Sad Bard isn't melancholy though; it stands for Song-a-Day Bard. He writes a new song every day due to a curse. If he doesn't write a song every day, a demon comes out of him and may possibly kill people. Usidore confirms the presence of the demon with a demon detecting spell. HE LOOKED RIGHT AT IT.

SAD Bard sings his first song of the evening, "So Much Child Death." Soo-oo-oo-ooo catchy. Songwriting is easy for him, as he just sings what he sees. He still has to write a song today, so he decides to stick around and observe the goings on.

Arnie introduces another guest, Barth. Barth and his wife are new to Hogsface and live in a treehouse on the east side. They left Barth's hometown Badung-Dung when the terrible new mayor took over. Barth's wife is a druid and shapeshifts. She seems to spend a lot of time away from the treehouse. As such, Barth is happy to be out with the lads. BOY'S NIGHT! Honestly, Barth is just trying to fit in. Arnie is just happy to not be the New Guy anymore.

Barth observes that Hogsface seems to have a high crime rate. His tree was stolen by a band of rogue teens. He woke up one day and his house was on the ground, the tree was gone, and so was his wife. After a bout of possibly good-natured ribbing, Barth takes over the podcast. He takes Arnie's mic away and demands that Arnie find the teens who took his tree. Arnie feels so vulnerable without his trusty mic. Like he lost is magic feather. Usidore demands a magic feather.

But it's Barth who is the vulnerable one. He looks up to Arnie and showers him with compliments, even noting that in Badung-Dung, Arnie would be a David Beckham type. Barth cares so much, he's been doing Earth research!

EMAILS: Brian's wife is pregnant and asks if Arnie has any advice on getting lost through a dimensional portal once the bairn arrives.

Answer: Arnie doesn't recommend it. He feels like a tiny house with a big hole in it.

Jess is emailing from her friend's phone because her own phone was recently stolen. She asks if Usidore can cast a spell to curse the thief a terrible fate.

Answer: Done and done. Thief has rabies.

Lex asks if Arnie likes Twosidore more than Louder Voice Usidore.

Answer: Arnie loves Usidore. Usi appreciates the sentiment, but his best friend is Aprel Füls. Usidore fidgets with his robes for some reason. Some random irritant. (WINK!)

Arnie introduces yet another guest who he describes as looking like Usidore if he was a prospector. It's our old friend Bungaree Chubbins! He does a live ad for Chubbins' Chamberpots and So Forth. In addition to offering pisspots and shitboxes, Bungaree has expanded his inventory to include Booger Banks and Menses Rag Hooks. Buy one, get FIVE free!

For the first time ever, Arnie invites Bungaree to join them at This Very Table. They welcome him with some good natured ribbing. They all take turns telling him what they 'apprecibate' about him. (Don't think too hard about apprecibation.) Arnie apprecibates that Bungaree is one of the earliest sponsors of the podcast.

Chat returns to the topic of Barth's on-the-loose wife. He confesses that she keeps turning into different animals and won't talk to him. They ask if he's sure she didn't leave him years ago and those are just random forest critters. Barth isn't sure of anything anymore. Usidore offers him two options:

a) Accept that these are just forest animals sharing his home, he's been single for years, and GO NUTS.
b) Confront one of the animals and demand it tell him what he's done wrong. If the animal turns back into a human and talks to him, he'll know it's his wife. If the animal looks confused and scampers away, it might still be his wife, but what are ya gonna do?

Usidore notes that Barth and Arnie would make great roommates. Chunt has an email for Barth!

Tom Martin asks if Barth's treehouse grew in Brooklyn. Barth suspects this might be a reference to an Earth book, but Arnie isn't sure.

The conversation turns deep when Arnie observes that Bungaree is the Turd Guy, the guy who waits to contribute to any conversation until it involves turds. But that's okay because the anus is the prism through which Bungaree observes the world. Bungaree counters that could be said of all of us. Nope, Usidore's prism is magic and a literal prism.

SAD Bard wraps up the episode with his daily song, musically recapping the events of the evening far more poetically than I'm doing right now.

Foon sponsor

  • Bungaree Chubbins

New characters

Additional appearances

Earth references


  • To download the Song-A-Day Bard's music from this episode, check it out here.
  • Recorded live at the Murmrr Theater in Brooklyn, NY on October 5, 2018.

Behind the scenes

New Guy (Live from Brooklyn)
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SAD Bard, Chunt, Usidore, Barth, Bungaree Chubbins, Arnie
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