Season 2, Ep 36 - Blessed Troll
Season 2, Ep 36 – Blessed Troll
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Air Date: November 20, 2017 Episode Link
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Hosts: Arnie, Usidore, Chunt Guests: Craig Davis
Producers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Editor: Ryan DiGiorgi Theme Music: Andy Poland Logo: Allard Laban
Audio Assistance: Jason Knox
Production Assistance: Garrett Schultz

Sponsored by: "Oathbringer" from Tor Books, Squarespace, and HelloFresh Promo: Tavern30 for $30 off

Description

"We’re visited by a troll that has been both blessed and cursed with special powers."

Summary

If you uttered some of Usidore's secret names, your blood would boil, your urine would freeze, and your bile would shoot straight out of your ears—-SIMULTANEOUSLY! Arnie assumes this would be mostly unpleasant. Chunt knows one of Usi's names is Captain Happenstance. Heard it from the Brownies.

Chunt has re-opened Chu Chu's Chow and asks if there is a specific Earth dish he can put on the menu that would bring Arnie in. They discuss cronuts (doughnuts for crows), but Arnie fell through the dimensional portal before he had a chance to try one. He apologizes for going on about something he knows nothing about. He's committed to making Foon a better place, one moment at a time.

Chunt confesses he's being pranked by the guards. Cockroach Clown has stabbed him in the side, Wheelbear coated his testicles in honey and cracked open a hornet's nest. Hilarious! Chunt asks if one of his secret names can be Honey Nuts. Arnie is puzzled by the obsession with secret names. Names have power, Usidore reasons. Chunt adds that Arnie has survived this strange land for nearly three years because he has so many different names. Arnie, Arnold, Arnor, Big Guy, Earth Dude, Carnival Wilson…these names keep him alive.

Arnie is excited to talk to this week's guest, troll Craig Davis. His parents named him thus in a moment of rebellion against troll culture. He'll one day name his own child Galadrielensentin. It skips a generation. Craig can't keep straight whether he's a troll or an elf, due to his advancing age. Usidore can relate. He once spent four decades on a quest to defeat the great dark dragon of Sellfor, forgot to kill the dragon, and bought shirts instead. Oh well, pobody's nerfect.

Craig has done some research about Earth and discovered there are dungeons there too, but for a very different purpose. This seems to be some of that Earth Stuff Arnie doesn't like to talk about, so Craig explains: two people will do battle before an eruption of love. On Foon, as on Earth, the definition of traditional marriage is a partnership for the acquisition of land.

Craig also recounts a tale of meeting Blorth the Brown on a narrow trail, words were exchanged, and the upshot is Craig came out of it blessed/cursed with many crappy gifts. He can fly, but only three feet off the ground. He has x-ray vision, but only effective on his parents' clothing. He has mighty strength, but only when holding a friend's infant. Alas, he has discovered many of these gifts the Hard Way.

Arnie asks if Craig couldn't carry a baby into a battle and use his free arm to fight with his mighty strength. Answer: not really.

Craig has the power of invisibility, but only during mating season. He notes it's the equivalent of going to a sorority party with your t-shirt tucked into a pair of cargo shorts. No one sees you. But it does help him gather material for his erotic fiction. An aspiring writer himself, Arnie would very much like to hear some of Craig's erotic fiction.

Craig reads from Pockets Full of Mischief, which is about a young troll who must travel from one corner of Foon to the other, a journey of many days. He finds within one of the many pockets of his cargo shorts a tiny dagger, which he uses to slice open a dragon and crawl inside to hide as the dragon flies to his destination. Chunt asks if the pockets, dagger, and dragon represent phallic and yonic symbols. Nope. They're just literal. When he slices open the dragon, he finds many other trolls seated in formation awaiting the flight. He meets a lovely young female troll and hits it off with her. "And the next thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire." Craig believes this is a line of Earthan scripture.

When asked how Craig knows so much of Earthan culture, he reveals that when you see an Earth person working in a shop at 4am, but you never see them anywhere else, that's a troll.

Craig is hoping to make enough money with his books to pay Blorth to either refine or remove his thirteen curses. He can run incredibly fast, but only into a fire. Usidore adds that Blorth's greatest shortcoming is that he has no purpose. Craig suggests needlepoint. Usidore promises to give Blorth a purpose in exchange for a Craig Davis-written novel about himself and Jyn'Leeviyah the Red.

EMAILS

From Scotland, Colin now has to yell "DATE NIGHT" when out with his girlfriend. Has to? Has to? Pipe down, wizard who says his entire name every week.

Chunt knocks over a candle and sets a fire. Craig runs directly into it and a mighty speed. He's screaming on the inside.

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Notes

Behind the Scenes

Blessed Troll
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Usidore, Craig Davis, Chunt, Arnie
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