Season 2, Ep 40 – Cockatrice (w/ Laura Grey)
Season 2, Ep 40 – Cockatrice (w/ Laura Grey)
Air Date: December 18, 2017 Episode Link
Previous Episode S02E40 Next Episode
Hosts: Arnie, Usidore, Chunt Guests: Patti the Cockatrice
Producers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Editor: Chris Rathjen Theme Music: Andy Poland Logo: Allard Laban
Audio Assistance: Jason Knox
Production Assistance: Garrett Schultz

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"Chicken on top? Dragon on bottom? Let’s talk to a cockatrice!"


Arnie begins the episode by recounting a dream he had in high school that featured his mom, but he quickly recovers and brings us up to speed. Chunt is fixated on Arnie's hawt mom. Arnie turns the tables and asks how attractive Chunt's parents are. Perfect tens! Usidore, having been brought forth by a conspiracy of birds and rain and fire and wind, can't weigh in on hot parents. However the rain was about an eight, and the fire was literally hot. And also sexually arousing.

Twosidore drops in to tell the lads he was brought into the world with Earth, Wind, and Fire. (Was it on the 21st night of September?)

Arnie is excited to talk to this week's guest, a cockatrice. Usidore warns they should shield their eyes because a cockatrice can destroy you with a death stare. But this one has astigmatism, so they're safe. Her name is Patrapheon (Patti), and she has a rooster head and a lizard body with adorable leathery wings. The technical term is Janky Dragon. With astigmatism. As such, her death stare cannot actually take life, but she can kill your desire to paint. In fact, due to looking in the mirror to perfect her rooster fauxhawk, she has killed her own desire to create. She no longer wants to start an indie emo band or become a pastry chef.

Arnie asks for five names for her hypothetical indie emo band.

- The NoYes (the Noise)
- Fuck Me in My Snake Parts
- Just Ochre
- Singin' in the Rain

Usidore half-heartedly offers the table a bowl of salsa with grapes in it. He just doesn't care about making salsa anymore. Thanks, Patti!

- Hooooooooooooooow Much

Patti reveals that she's been spending a lot of time in therapy and offers a recommendation if Arnie would like. Arnie admits he wishes he had somewhere to go once a week where he could just talk and talk for 40-50 minutes. Patti has considered a lasik spell to correct her death stare, but it has a 4% chance of hypervision, which would just kill everyone in sight. Usidore questions if she has ever considered just living without a death stare. She has other terrifying features that could kill, after all. Patti's mind is blown.

Arnie asks what the cockatrice community is like. Patti explains they all live in their own coops. Hers is a mini coop with a board for dashing about and storing her applause device. Positive reinforcement can be a dangerous thing.

How attractive are Patti's parents? They were hot in their day, but cockatri don't live that long and tend to hit it and quit it. She was laid as an egg by her father (eggs laid by female cockatri just hatch chickens) through his cock cock. This leads to a discussion of cock tightening surgery. Keep that cock tight, y'all.

Usidore dejectedly decides to throw away his salsa. While he's away, they discuss how he might find a new creative pursuit now that his salsa days are over.

EMAILS: Lily has recently taken up baking and has hit a wall. She asks Usidore for a cake recipe.

Answer: 17 eggs, 8 lbs flour, a gallon of milk, a little sugar, cinnamon, and clove. Pour it in your oven, and bake a cake in the shape of your oven.

Arnie suggests that maybe Patti didn't kill her desire to start an emo band, but was just waiting for the perfect name. Time to stop death staring and start LIFE staring.

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New Characters

Additional Appearances

Earth References

  • Transparent
  • Captain Planet
  • Earth, Wind, & Fire
  • Saturday in the Park - Chicago
  • Sentimental Lady - Fleetwood Mac
  • Divorce is tough on kids
  • "Magic Man" by Heart
  • ouroboros
  • indie emo music
  • Fall Out Boy
  • The Postal Service
  • "Don't Stop The Music" - Rihanna
  • Baby Got Back - Sir Mix a Lot
  • Death Star - Star Wars
  • laser eye surgery
  • Cyclops of the X-Men - ruby-quartz visor
  • MINI Cooper
  • Dashboard Confessional
  • concealed handguns
  • good guy with a gun
  • compensating for penis size with guns
  • Death Cab for Cutie
  • drinking bird toy
  • Catch-22
  • "Clear Eyes Full Heart Can't Lose" - T. Powell


Behind the Scenes

Cockatrice (w/ Laura Grey)
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Usidore, Arnie, Patty the Cockatrice, Chunt
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