Season 2, Ep 43 - Former Bird (w/ Joel Kim Booster)
Season 2, Ep 43 - Former Bird (w/ Joel Kim Booster)
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Air Date: January 15, 2018 Episode Link
Previous Episode S02E43 Next Episode
Hosts: Arnie, Usidore, Chunt Guests: Former Bird Bertramus
Producers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Editor: Chris Rathjen Theme Music: Andy Poland Logo: Allard Laban
Audio Assistance: Jason Knox
Production Assistance: Garrett Schultz

Sponsored by: Shroud of Eternity, Squarespace Offer Code: TAVERN, and Harry's

Description

"We talk to a boy who used to be a bird."

Summary

Chunt interrupts Arnie’s intro to request he do it some of it in a sexy voice, which results in the entire audience having to hear Arnie introduce himself as our “fuck friend”. To increase the awkwardness, Arnie is so disinterested in learning how to wash things in Foon that he’s sporting leather pants he found. Usidore is also rocking a new found fashion statement, a mayor sash which was in the old mayor’s office. They all agree they can’t argue with a sash and therefore Usidore is the new mayor of Hogsface. Arnie tries to negotiate for co-mayorship, but has to acquiesce to Chunt’s demand that they also alternate who runs the podcast. Chunt doesn’t want to start over and ruin their sexy intro, so he defers to Arnie for hosting this week.

Their guest this week is Bertramus, a young man (or boi) who used to be a crow. He comes from a long line of crows who sat on the shoulders of villains. He wasn’t deeply invested in the line of work, but couldn’t monetize his passion for very specific puzzle-solving. His primary responsibilities working for villains included spying and squawking to punctuate appropriate moments, in a grammatically accurate fashion. Chunt attempts to squawk himself and offends everyone.

Usidore and Bertramus have a mutual acquaintance in Servana the Enchantress, though Usidore put a lot of crows out of work by smiting her. Usidore maintains that he loves birds, and Bertramus confirms that starlings are in fact the most bigoted birds. However, Bertramus is still concerned about whether there really are enough quality villains for every crow given the smitings. Chunt asks Usidore to name 3 villains other people have smoted: 1) Calligaphus 2) Bing Dong the Strange 3) Double Down (who had a crow for each shoulder). Arnie is disappointed he can’t interview any of them, so he makes a note to have one of the Dark Lord’s necromancers resurrect one now that they’re in charge.

Bertramus details his spying activities, such as listening to the heroes’ conversations. Fortunately they have a union so he doesn’t have to commute further than about 15 minutes. Usidore inquires how he was turned into a boy, and Bertramus becomes too emotional to say the name of his last enchantress. Chunt tries squawking again and deeply offends Bertramus. Arnie gives Chunt a stern talking-to about his inappropriate behavior, and Usidore calls it the sexiest thing he’s ever done.

Returning to his story, Bertramus tells them his last enchantress, Marisa the Tomei, turned him into a boy to act as her son as part of a plan to seduce a lord. She was found out and killed before she turned him back, and no one else can undo the spell. Because he’s still a crow on the inside, it’s really wrecked his dating game. Chunt suggests it be “BOIS NIGHT” and Bertramus is offended by his pronunciation. Arnie is delighted to see Chunt get the Niekamp treatment, and Chunt immediately digs the hole deeper by asserting it’s okay since he was a raven once. Everyone is shocked by his insensitivity.

After the break, Arnie asks more about Bertramus’ love life. He’s not attracted to humans, but is currently dating a crow named Lennie. Chunt really Arnies it up again by asking an awkward question about crow genitalia, leading to Bertramus making the questionable anatomical assertion that everything has a penis (including the air). In response to what they really wanted to ask, it’s twice the size of his body. Usidore clarifies the unlikely physics of this statement by adding that crows have access to a pocket dimension of dicks for when they’re not needed.

Bertramus further discusses the challenges of his dating situation. Apparently a significant number of crow familiars have been turned into humans or various animals, for the purposes of their villains. But they still have to deal with a lot of judgement and the occasional crow fetish. He got lucky meeting Lennie on Tinder.

Chunt reads an email from Moe/Autumn, asking them to make a Foonian Urban Dictionary. Arnie corrects Chunt for reading an email meant for him and reconfirms, vehemently, that he will never run the podcast.

Arnie asks if Bertramus misses sitting on shoulders. He sometimes accidentally forgets he can’t anymore and tries to climb on someone, or makes people uncomfortable by sitting in trees. Arnie asks the difficult question of whether having spent so much time on villains’ shoulders makes Bertramus evil by association. Bertramus isn’t interested in labels; much like his mentor, famous crow familiar Kellyanne Conway, who taught him that words don’t matter.

Chunt tries one last time to do a good punctuation squawk, and fails yet again. Bertramus is offended, but Arnie apologizes on Chunt’s behalf, and they all agree that “pobody’s nerfect”.

After the credits, Usidore catches Bertramus on the way out and lets him sit on his shoulder. It’s awkward.

New Characters

Enchantresses and Sorcerers mentioned:

  • Servana the Enchantress (deceased)
  • Calligaphus the Sorcerer (deceased)
  • Bing Dong the Strange (deceased)
  • Double Down the Sorcerer (deceased)
  • Gorg the Inconvenient (probably made up by Arnie to participate)

Earth References

  • 28 Days Later
  • Double Down (KFC Sandwich)
  • Bert and Ernie (Sesame Street)
  • Look Who's Talking Now
  • Walk Like a Man
  • "As the crow flies"
  • The Mod Squad
  • Knock knock jokes
  • Twitter
  • Marisa Tomei
  • “Never punch down” rule of comedy
  • Huginn (Norse mythology)
  • Bennie and the Jets (Elton John)
  • Laverne & Shirley
  • Bird flu
  • Chasers
  • Tinder
  • The Great Gatsby
  • "Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story" — Hamilton
  • Kellyanne Conway
  • The Crow
  • Blackface
  • "Pobody's Nerfect"

Notes

  • The Space Bunker has a device called the Cube of All Knowledge.
  • Chunt was once a raven, while dating one named Huginn.
  • Tinder in Foon is the root of a tree which birthed all the crows; they sit on Tinder when they’re on the market. The swiping procedure is fairly violent.

Behind the Scenes

Former Bird (w/ Joel Kim Booster)
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Arnie, Usidore, Bertramus … and Chunt
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