Season 2, Ep 47 – Mittens Returns
Mittens Returns
Hello from the Magic Tavern episode
Air date February 12, 2018
Episode no. S02E47
Episode Link
Hosts Arnie, Chunt, Usidore
Guests Larry Birdman
Producers Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Associate Producer {$associateproducer}
Editor Garrett Schultz
Logo Allard Laban
Theme music Andy Poland
Audio assistance Jason Knox
Production assistance Garrett Schultz
Squarespace (code: TAVERN) and Casper Mattresses
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"Lightbringers of Hogsface" "Eunuch Tutor"
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"Mittens Returns" is the forty-seventh episode of season two of Hello from the Magic Tavern. It was originally released on February 12, 2018.


Larry Birdman, the commissioner of the Foon Mittens League, is back with good news about Hogsface’s bid to get a new Mittens team.


Arnie introduces Usidore, but mid-name Usidore starts yelling at the dead horse he murdered because the Scrr Buzzards are having a bad season. Usidore points out there’s a starling next to him wearing a mayor’s sash, and it is revealed that it is Chunt! Usidore is not happy. Arnie points out Chunt’s been on a real ass-menagerie lately. Chunt is getting anxious that he is getting older and is trying to find his one true love. Usidore is torn because he likes Chunt but hates starlings, and also respects the mayor’s office. Arnie says they need to figure their shit out.

Their guest this week is Larry Birdman! Chunt says that Larry looks well, and he confesses he’s had some R&R (rest and rice). He’s also been reading. And relaxing. So, R&R&R&R. Chunt asks what he’s been reading, and he asks them if they’ve been reading the One Groovy Minotaur series by Rook Nasterly. The second book in the series is Two Swanky Cyclopses, the third is Three Randy Centaurs. It’s half detective novel/half porn. He’s currently reading Four Chill Wood Elves. It comes out that Chunt actually slept with Rook Nasterly and that’s why he’s a starling. Arnie asks if he has gleamed any info about the upcoming books, and he mentions that the seventh will be called Seven Swans Sucking. Larry clearly doesn’t believe Chunt is telling the truth, the title doesn’t fit. Chunt got duped.

Larry tells them that Hogsface will be getting a mittens team by the end of the year! There are three potential candidates for owner: a bunch of hedge funds, Lord and Lady Superhoot, and Mysterious Anonymous. The Superhoots want to name the team “Hoot Babies” and have offered 25 million in gems and gold, and that’s who Larry is voting for. Mysterious Anonymous is offering 5 gold and will pay the rest in conquered souls. The souls will have to be super valuable to make up for it. Some people are rooting for Mysterious Anonymous to be owners, though. Arnie comments that their name is a bit much. Larry comments that the lead character’s name in One Groovy Minotaur is Jack Escalator. Arnie says that if his name was something like, say, Ryan DiGiorgi, he’d definitely want to change it to something like Jack Escalator.

Chunt asks what the other potential owners want to call the team. The hedge fund hasn’t said anything, but Mysterious Anonymous wants to call them the Soul Conquerors. Usidore asks if the deciding vote is the mayor’s, and Larry says that it would make sense. In order to set up a mittens team, there’s a lot of things that need to be done. One thousand signatures are needed, to start. Then lots of meetings about meetings.

Arnie wants to know more about this Mysterious Anonymous character. Is he related to Beautiful/Anonymous? Arnie explains that Beautiful/Anonymous is where someone calls in and they talk to them for a full hour and cannot hang up on them. Larry says there’s a character in the second book named Nick Cigarette, and he is also a great listener. Usidore explains to Arnie what a cigarette is in Offices and Bosses.

Arnie asks what having a Hogsface mittens team would do for the town. Larry replies that it would boost the economy and bring a lot of people to the tavern. Larry says that the town of Hogsface will need to pay for the stadium, though. Arnie is surprised and Larry doesn’t think it’s fair for the Superhoots to pay for the team AND the stadium. The FML take the money from the Superhoots and spend it on themselves, not a stadium. Arnie asks how much a stadium costs and apparently it will cost about 3 million gold per game. Usidore thinks that Arnie can afford it, and Chunt asks how Arnie was able to pay for the wall reconstruction after he slammed his car through it, and he confesses that he just hung a sheet over it and painted it. So miserly.

Larry brings up that if they are looking for Otok, they may want to read the One Groovy Minotaur series, it’s like a how-to for detective books. Arnie says that he wants to read the Loneliest Lonely Son of Lonely series. The Dark Lord had the whole series at his house. It’s the backbone and origin of mittens.

Larry explains what happens in the series, how the Son of Lonely saves people every year throughout his schooling, and befriends a red-haired boy and also a girl. Usidore comments on the representation of different colors of people (white, blue, green, brown, pink, etc). Chunt says there’s seven books and a play, but that Arnie should stop after the seventh book.

After the break, Arnie confesses he doesn’t know how to feel about a mittens team in Hogsface, it’s so expensive. He asks if they can get the Superhoots to pay for it, and Larry says it’s possible. He also explains that they are Owlbears, with the head of a bear and a body of an owl. Chunt postulates that the Superhoots cannot conceive, which is why they want to call the team the Hoot Babies. Larry says it’s a sore subject. They’ve already done six or eight rounds of Ivy-F (you F some Ivy, because plants are very fertile). Arnie is still wondering how it is that Chunt, as a gorilla, fucked an oyster. This reminds Larry of a scene in the third Groovy Minotaur book where Jack Escalator goes to town with a seafood buffet, and had stumbled upon a clue to help him solve a mystery.

Usidore notes that his obsidian hand of pure evil is growing up his arm, and Larry says that he could try out to be a hillsman on the Hogsface mittens team. Arnie says they could all potentially be on the team. Larry says that the coolest position is a quarterback because they survey the field, type out a telegram, put it into a fireworks display and shoot it into the air. Usidore proposes they take Arnie to a mittens game. Larry says that the boys are all on the voting committee for the FML and can determine whether or not there will be a mittens team in Hogsface and who owns it. Usidore and Chunt already have their votes for the Superhoots, but Arnie has another idea: use this opportunity to lure Mysterious Anonymous onto the podcast.

Arnie updates us on the painting situation, and a few people on Twitter are helping:

@andyroflzz - Darby is probably code for Arby’s. The fries are okay.

@charlene519 - Her cabbage patch is named Darby.

@nationoflee - Terrence Trent…?

@messgirl - sent in an image from Google maps of a place in the UK called “Darby End”, which is a place below Bumblehole Line. Usidore points out there’s a picture of Bumble (Blemish’s father, who died because his butthole died), and also the picture of Bumble’s butthole. They put that painting above the Darby painting and it opens up a hole that has an astral trap (or an ass-trap as Chunt calls it). The trap is used to trap a creature across the dimensions, such as The Void or the Don. Chunt suggests catching Craig from the space bunker.

Where the Darby painting used to be is some ruins. It says “Verterrilax Wakes” and has a keypad with numbers on it. Usidore is going to work on the trap, Arnie suggests tapping that ass-trap.


Diana — There’s a show on Netflix called Bright that Chunt will probably like. It has a dark lord and orcs and is right up his alley.

Answer: They ask Arnie what Netflix is. Usidore kills a horse to try to watch the movie. Kid Usidore shows up and says that Usidore is known as Pasta Cortez to the Italians in Italiana.

Earth references

  • Concord grapes
  • Batman (1989)
  • Escalators
  • Ryan DiGiorgi
  • Chris Gethard's Beautiful/Anonymous
  • Hieronymus Bosch
  • Cigarettes
  • Vapes
  • Owlbears
  • In vitro fertilization
  • Harry Potter series
  • Asians
  • Typewriters
  • Chandeliers
  • Equus
  • Phoebe Buffay (Friends)

Behind the scenes

Mittens Returns
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Larry Birdman, Usidore, Arnie, Chunt
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