| Three Years | |
| Hello from the Magic Tavern episode | |
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| Air date | March 5, 2018 |
| Episode no. | S02E49 |
| Episode Link | |
| Cast | |
| Hosts | Arnie, Chunt, Usidore |
| Guests | Winky Silks and Michael Gunch from the Cockticklers |
| Production | |
| Producers | Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi |
| Associate Producer | {$associateproducer} |
| Editor | Ryan DiGiorgi |
| Logo | Allard Laban |
| Theme music | Andy Poland |
| Audio assistance | Jason Knox |
| Production assistance | Garrett Schultz |
| Special thanks | Ryan Connor |
| Sponsor | |
| Just For Men (code: BestBeard25) and Stitcher Premium (code: Andy) | |
| Episode chronology | |
| ← Previous | Next → |
| "INTERLUDE – Hey Kids, it’s a Magic Tavern!" | "Reply All Wizards" |
| List of episodes | |
"Three Years" is the forty-ninth episode of season two of Hello from the Magic Tavern. It was originally released on March 5, 2018.
Description
Our three year anniversary show. It’s time to learn more about the traveling acting troupe, the Cockticklers.
Summary
We start this episode out per usual, until the space bunker’s hatchbell rings. Surprise! Tricia-8051 arrives for her internship! The Mysterious Man sends her to do chores and we are back at the tavern.
Exactly three years have passed since Arnie fell through the dimensional rift and he just can’t believe it. Chunt jibes him about his kid being 27 now. He got Arnie a gift! For the three-year anniversary, the year of glass, Chunt gives him a glass hole. How…nice?
Arnie gets all of Usidore’s nicknames in as he says his name. We find out the brownies in Gratax know him as Pants McGillicutty. He was in Gratax recently and found a new spell book but then burned it. Arnie mentions something about gold and fish, and Chunt tells Arnie he will teach him how to fish for compliments. Arnie backtracks and asks about the glass hole he gave him. Usidore says that it is used to look into your butt. You hold it up to your eye, then your butt, then your eye again.
Usidore orders everything possible for the table to celebrate. Arnie tries to introduce the guests, and ends up fishing for compliments (or being given fished compliments, I’m not entirely sure that’s a thing). Arnie has the great idea to liven up the party - invite some actors! He introduces two of the actors from the Cockticklers: Winky Silks and Michael Gunch.
The actors complain that Arnie’s introduction of them took far too long, but Arnie says that he’s just warming them up. He likes a tantric take on introductions that draws it out and never releases, and Chunt says that has to sting.
Winky and Gunch introduce themselves, Gunch as a lead heavy actor. He reveals that it is a stage name; his real name is Steel Hardstone. He and Usidore try to one-up each other about how much pleasure they have in meeting each other. Winky is dismayed by their squabbling, and Arnie asks if he is okay. They go on about emotions, and Gunch declares that in order to touch an audience emotionally, you first need to touch yourself… in public.
Usidore asks them if they are working on any works, and they say that they very rarely reveal their WIPs, but they do say that they are working on the story of the trio! Well…of most of the trio. Arnie assumed the play was about Usidore, but quite the contrary… he doesn’t even have an actor to play him! Maybe a backdrop that includes him, or a puppet, or an azure sack. Chunt recognizes Azure Sack as another of Usidore's names. Arnie approves. Usidore argues that if he is to be portrayed as a puppet, then surely Chunt should be as well. The actors are very offended by this notion, as Chunt is a very important part. Winky is very excited to play the part of Chunt, as he is very famously known for playing animals, children, clouds, and angels. Arnie smugly states that he’s heard you do not want to work with children or clouds, and the actors agree. With the exception of the play “The Childish Cloud”. Usidore says that’s one of his favorites, Chunt chimes in with his favorite “Guess Who’s A Cumulous to Dinner?” (worth it).
Usidore asks where they are in their process, and they are workshopping it right now. They describe the process in detail and Usidore is very excited about it. Winky says that he can give Usidore a comp, but Gunch back-pedals saying they are very strict with their comp policy, then Winky offers Usidore a 2-for-1 deal instead. Chunt says that limiting their comps is also known as the Miser technique, in which they keep the budget low. Gunch is impressed that Chunt knows the lingo, and Arnie asks Chunt if he’s done any acting. He says not really, and asks Arnie if he has. Arnie was in a play called The King and I. Chunt asks who the “I” was, and Arnie doesn’t remember her name.
The actors want to get to know more about Arnie so they can bring him to life in their play. Arnie asks them what they would like to know about him. Gunch asks about his wife and family and why he’s avoiding them. Arnie, of course, says that he doesn’t know how to get back to them. Winky says that Gunch could use that lie to perform better, but Arnie argues that he’s not lying. Usidore does see their point, though. They are looking for the drama and to know what really drives Arnie. Arnie says he’s invested in the podcast. Gunch says that they are always seeking out new media to experiment with. Usidore wants to know if there is anything they are doing now that he could slay a horse to watch. Lately they’ve been doing street riffs, talking to people on the street, and Usidore says that it should be called “Winky on the Street”. Winky writes it down, but Usidore says they can use it conditionally if they allow their Usidore to have an actual character in their play. Usidore even offers to play the role himself. They will consider it.
They do some short form playlets as well, such as “Butt Prank (Emotional)”. Chunt throws out an emotion for them: Jealousy. They perform and everyone is entertained. Usidore throws out “sadness”. He is impressed with their emotional range.
Arnie asks to see some of their play about him. Winky says it’s a bit unorthodox. Arnie tries to say that he’s a guy that doesn’t follow the rules. Usidore ends up bribing them with 10 gold. They agree to do the meeting of Arnie and Chunt.
“Cor, blimey!” Winky starts out. Apparently, Chunt is a Scottish pirate. Gunch does a SPOT ON Arnie impression. “Chunt” asks “Arnie” to lay his head upon his bosom, because he likes the sex act. “Arnie” agrees and “Chunt” says that he will keep “Arnie” warm and will eat the mites out of his hair for him. “Chunt” asks “Arnie” what his name is. “Chunt” declares he found a peach.
Usidore is highly impressed and Chunt tells Arnie that he got “Gunched”. Usidore notices the azure sack and asks them to take some of the stuffing out. They assure him that the sack will likely not even be in the play, so not to worry about it. Arnie realizes that he really does sound like that, and Gunch lays out a line about Arnie not missing his wife and Arnie puts his foot down. He does not want rumors going around that he doesn’t miss his wife.
Winky says there’s an artistic license when it comes to this stuff and it’s more fun this way. They are trying to get butts in seats, after all.
After the break, Arnie tells Usidore to keep it cool and explains to Winky and Gunch that he isn’t usually around actors. Gunch says that every entourage needs one, and Arnie calls Usidore his Turtle. Chunt says that he can turn into a turtle but Arnie tells Chunt that he’s more of a Johnny Drama. Chunt agrees, since he’s always causing drama. Arnie proclaims that he would be Vince. And then realizes he forgets who the main character is. Arnie asks the actors if the main character is often less interesting. Winky mentions the play “The Ghost of King Foolad”, in which the main character rarely appears, but everything that happens around him is the driving force of the play. Unfortunately, he’s all over the sequel “Here Comes Foolad”. Chunt likes the third, “Nobody’s Foolad”. Arnie mentions he saw some people on the street doing “Foolad Origins”. Gunch also mentions the non-canonical “Foolad Rouge”.
Chunt asks if they can do a scene about Usidore, who seems upset that he isn’t involved more in the process. They understand, and begin the scene. “Chunt” is woeful about something and “Arnie” lends an ear. Then they pretend that Usidore walks in and tells him to fuck off, then kicks the shit out of the azure sack. Usidore says that reminds him of the time Chunt kicked the rice out of him.
Arnie asks Winky and Gunch how life is as a Cocktickler. Winky’s father was Trincher Silks, and Usidore remembers seeing his great performances. It comes out that Winky only has one eye, due to his father. Gunch grew up in a family of actors, received nothing but encouragement, went off to a performing camp, got to be lead a lot, coasted through college, and got into the Ticklers right out of university. Winky’s summer camp was called “Mending Daddy’s Tights”. Usidore asks if Gunch has won a Tosser, and he did win one for King Scriblax. Arnie asks if Gunch could perform some of his Tosser-winning play, with Winky playing the jester.
They perform their bit, and Chunt compliments him on his vocal range. Arnie is equally impressed, and remarks that his “jester” sounded very similar to his “Chunt”. Usidore asks him to speak as both together in a scene. Arnie doesn’t get it. It’s all about dialect. Winky can do 7000 dialects! Usidore throws some out there: Migosian, Grataxian, Scrr. The one from Scrr sounds much like a robot.
Usidore throws some more gold at them if they take some notes about their play. Usidore thinks that the first time he is shown on the stage, all the audience sees is a blindingly white light filled with goodness and warmth. They take the note, but turn it around and say that what could be more blinding than the absence of Usidore completely. Arnie gives Chunt some gold so that he can give them some notes. Chunt asks them to leave out the part about him eating mites out of Arnie’s hair. Chunt gives them additional gold to give Arnie an acting lesson.
They give him a scene: Arnie is an assassin who has never killed before. He’s second guessing himself, but there’s no going back. His prey is coming at him. Winky instructs him to open his eyes and tell his story in three words: “Cor. Blimey. Dagger.”
Everyone is so very impressed. Arnie expresses his concern about their play making them look bad. Gunch (tries) to reassure him. Winky says he can try to kill them to get them to do the play. Usidore yells at Arnie that he can’t handle the truth. Usidore throws some more gold at them to try to get them to do a shower scene.
They do the scene, “Arnie” in the shower. “Chunt” comes in, in the shape of a sea squid. The scene gets… descriptive. So descriptive that I will spare you the details, reader. You will just have to listen to the episode. ;-)
Usidore is highly impressed, Arnie should have known he was into tentacle stuff. Arnie confesses he’s not comfortable to give them rights to his story. Everyone chimes in that there’s nothing he can really do about it, due to the Pair of D’s Laws, and his story is now fair game for anyone to tell. Arnie tries to give him three-tens….three…. tens… thirty! Thirty coins to stop the play. His math fails him again.
They all get angry that they’ve been digging on Usidore all night. They confess that the play is going to be a trilogy, and they will consider bring in Usidore as a character in the second play.
Arnie gives him the glass hole and asks him how the play ends. “Arnie” goes back through the portal, and “Chunt” is sad. And everyone’s heart breaks.
Emails
Michael - Wants to know why they stopped reading e-mails.
Answer: Usidore says good job, you’ve contacted us!
Tom in Oregon - Is it necessary for Arnie to do the whole premise every time. He’s just trying to save Arnie some precious wind.
Answer: It is suggested that Arnie start charging people to give them notes, just like Winky and Gunch do.
Billy Yum Yum Two By Two: Are you proud of me, Arnie? I finished the podcast!
Answer: Yes! Arnie is proud of him!
Space bunker
Back in the bunker, Mysterious Man is teaching Tricia about the podcast. He leaves Tricia and Craig alone. Craig starts his normal outro and the hatch bell rings again. Tricia gets nervous and tells Craig not to answer it. Tricia-8051 comes in. Tricia-8050 confesses that she’s back. She wandered around space really pissed and then decided not to let it get to her. So she came back because she wants to find out the secrets of the space bunker and kill Mysterious Man. Craig just wants to get home to Chicago, but in the end agrees.
Additional appearances
- Robot Arnie
- Tricia-8050
New characters
Earth references
- The ol' "black eye from looking in an eyepiece" gag
- Lots of sex references
- Sting's tantric sex comments
- This Is Us
- "Right Hand Man" — Hamilton
- RoboCop
- Guess Who's Coming to Dinner
- Meisner technique
- The King and I
- Billy on the Street
- Blooming onion
- Entourage
- Performing arts camp
- "There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about." — Oscar Wilde
- A Few Good Men
- Punch and Judy
- Donkey Punch
- Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!
- Tentacle porn
- Mr. Krabs of SpongeBob SquarePants
- Parody law/fair use
- Boxing
- Hawaiian Punch
- Michael Keaton
- Patreon
Behind the scenes
| Three Years |
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| Winky Silks and Michael Gunch |