Season 2, Ep 50 – Reply All Wizards
Season 2, Ep 50 – Reply All Wizards
Air Date: March 11, 2018 Episode Link
Previous Episode S02E50 Next Episode
Hosts: Arnie, Usidore, Chunt Guests: Reply All podcast co-host Alex Goldman, Spintax the Green
Producers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Editor: Garrett Schultz Theme Music: Andy Poland Logo: Allard Laban
Audio Assistance: Jason Knox
Production Assistance: Garrett Schultz

Sponsored by: Squarespace Code: TAVERN | Casper Mattresses Code: CHUNT


The secrets of the multiverse may be may be discovered by reporter Alex Goldman after he places a call to a mysterious green wizard.


Mysterious Man is teaching “Tricia-8051” about the podcast, and Tricia wants to know what caused the dimensional disturbance. Mysterious Man avoids the question and does an ad read instead. Tricia asks again and then asks who he is and how he can be killed. Subtle. Mysterious Man reacts with another ad read. Craig runs in with a podcast emergency! He intercepted another podcast reporting on the existence of other dimensions.

Back in the tavern, we start off normally with Arnie introducing Chunt. He’s concerned about Chunt’s promiscuity as of late. Chunt shrugs it off. Arnie introduced Usidore, who is less than enthused about this week’s guest, Fizzle von Pizzlewich, since they’ve had him on the show so many times before. He excuses himself and goes to the bar. Chunt agrees that they lean on him quite often, but Arnie points out that there have been no e-mails (or fan art, as Chunt points out). Craig interrupts the podcast to insist that we listen to this other podcast, Reply All.

Alex opens the podcast and says that he was browsing around to find the weirdest thing he could, and he found a group called Alt.Foon.Spellcasters, that included a bizarre posting from a guy who claims he can open portals to other dimensions using the rendered fat of murdered children. So he calls him up. Spintax answers and Alex introduces himself. Spintax asks if he actually is a Gold Man. He knew a Gold Man once who protected a village. Alex has a rule that he doesn’t put people on the show that he thinks are nuts, and he is worried Spintax is one of those people. Spintax assuage his fears by saying his entire name. Alex retracts his statement.

Alex asks how Spintax got onto Alt.Foon.Spellcasters, and Spintax replies that it’s been his goal to win the internet. He started out small and has gotten much larger. Alex asks how large and Spintax states he got to be 40 feet tall, and as small as a teacup.

Alex cuts to the chase and asks him if he really can open portals to other dimensions and Spintax says of course, that’s how he got to Earth. Alex asks if he has other magic; Spintax has more magic than Alex could ever dream about. Alex says that since Spintax is master of truth and lies, he should tell him if he’s lied to him yet. Spintax replies that they are indiscernible which is why he is the master of both. Alex compliments him that he must be incredible powerful.

Alex wants a demonstration of Spintax’s magic. He asks Alex to close his eyes, picture the moon, picture the face of a coyote inside of the moon and listen to his words. Spintax casts a spell and asks him to check his left front pocket. Alex reaches in and pulls out a parchment, on which Spintax has drawn the bust of Titania. Alex is impressed and convinced.

Alex asks how Spintax got into wizardry and Spintax says that he was born a wizard, and was the answer to a riddle, fully formed as a green wizard. Spintax compares himself as Usidore, and Alex comments that he doesn’t have a very high opinion of him. Alex asks about the different colored wizards and asks about patterned wizards as well. Spintax says they are an abomination and wants to wipe them all out.

Alex finally gets down to the nitty gritty: why is Spintax on Earth? Spintax goes into the details about trying to defeat The Void, and to find Penelope Penelope. Unfortunately, she’s dead. He explains that The Void has found it’s way into Earth, and Penelope was the only hope, but she died in 2012. Alex asks what he can do to prevent The Void from spreading or to slow it down. Spintax gives him two answers: create! Art, songs, kickball leagues. The other answer is: nothing! Except pray that Spintax is successful. Alex asks what Spintax has been doing and Spintax reanimated Penelope Penelope! He figured bringing her back to life would ensure that she believed in magic. But when she died, she was already old when she died, and this didn’t work. Spintax wants to travel back in time to when she was a little girl, but only at the very last second before The Void consumes Earth. He really enjoys current Hollywood life.

Alex is concerned about being discreated by The Void. Spintax assures him that he will fix it, although he will be consumed with nightmares for the rest of his days once he is recreated. Spintax has some questions for him. Alex launches his “Super Tech Support” segment, and Spintax’s first question is “How do I get a smart phone?” Alex suggests the mall. Spintax asks about contracts, and Alex assures him they are not like Foonish contracts, but only for money. Spintax scoffs. Alex asks if Spintax has a job, and he replies that he’s a Consulting Producer on season 13 of Supernatural. He tries to pitch himself as a character, but they never take it.

Alex asks how wizards, witches, and warlocks work in Foon. Spintax says that wizards are pan-gendered, and he likes to change his gender up every now and then. Spintax asks Alex how he can determine what’s real and what’s lies on Twitter. It’s difficult to discern truth and lies here on Earth. He received a DM from someone claiming to be a prince and asked him to help him. He’s also been placing people under spells to take their phones, uses them, and then gives them back. Spintax has sent his emissaries all over the globe to try to track him down, and gave him all his cryptocurrencies. Alex breaks the news that that’s not really a prince and he’s swindled Spintax out of his currency. He explains that once you’ve sent cryptocurrency, you can’t get it back. Spintax takes that as a challenge and asks how to break into the internet to retrieve it.

Alex asks if Spintax can make himself into light and energy, jump into an outlet, and find his way to the internet that way. Spintax has already tried that and ended up as a bunch of reruns on TBS. Alex suggests that Spintax send his emissaries to get the currency back, but Spintax confesses it’s just a bunch of coyotes he’s tamed.

After the break, Spintax tells Alex that he fears Alex is still unimpressed with him. Alex says that Spintax tells a good tale, and he wants to believe him, but he’s having a hard time. Spintax offers to connect Alex with Arnie back in Foon if that would convince him. He asks Alex to close his eyes and imagine an eagle, then says a spell. We hear Usidore! They exchange pleasantries and Usidore confesses that he was the prince that scammed Spintax.

Arnie does his spiel and Alex wants to know how much of what Spintax said was real. They confess they don’t know what Spintax said, but Usidore accuses Spintax of being a liar. Alex asks Chunt if he could turn into anything, why a badger? Arnie explains there’s a sexual component that the doesn’t want to get into. They discuss the validity of Spintax’s claim that he tamed coyotes and taught them to use boats. Spintax says they are not on boats, but on drones and hoverboards. Arnie is not convinced. Alex is still unconvinced about magic. Alex asks why Arnie hasn’t tried to get back to Earth and why it was so easy for Spintax to do so. Arnie says that Spintax had to do some evil stuff and Arnie is trying to achieve the same thing with the goodness of his heart. Chunt asks Alex about his podcast and then asks if he’s heard their podcast “Gettin’ Nuts”. Alex unfortunately has not. Usidore suggests Alex listens to The Adventure Zone. Usidore says that he invented a device to catch podcasts and Alex asks which ones he’s listened to. Usidore says he liked “Serial”.

Usidore and Chunt suggest they do a quick episode of their podcast, and Spintax offers to be the guest. Spintax botches the intro, so Alex has a go. It doesn’t go so well. But the nut of the day seems to be macadamia.

Arnie asks Spintax what they can do to stop The Void. Spintax gives the same answer that he gave Alex. Usidore summons three cell phones and Alex discerns that if Spintax was really a wizard, he could have just summoned a cell phone himself. It’s pointed out he’d still need to sign a service contract.

The connection starts to fade and instead of asking about his wife, Arnie asks what happened in the second season of Extant. Alex sums up the podcast and thanks Spintax. One last question for Spintax: what is he going to do about the fact that he’s broke. Spintax says that he will just keep stealing things.

Back in the bunker, Mysterious Man says that Alex is getting too close to the truth. He says he has a sleeper agent named PJ Vogt who can clean up for him. At the very end, we hear PJ stabbing Alex repeatedly in the chest, assumingly killing him.

Additional Appearances

Fizzle von Pizzlewich (mentioned)
Reply All podcast co-host PJ Vogt

Earth References

Morgan Fairchild
Supernatural, Robert Singer
advance-fee/Nigerian prince scam
Adventure Zone
Ronald Goldman
Emma Goldman
Oscar Goldman, The Six Million Dollar Man
Goldman Sachs

Behind the Scenes

Reply All Wizards
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Spintax and Alex Goldman
Reply All Wizards
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Chunt, Arnie, Usidore
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