Season 2, Ep 7 – Carfoonist (Live from Emerald City Comic Con)
Season 2, Ep 7 – Carfoonist (Live from Emerald City Comic Con)
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Air Date: May 1, 2017 Episode Link
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Hosts: Arnie, Usidore, Chunt Guests: Charles Schmutz the Carfoonist
Producers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Editor: Garrett Schultz Theme Music: Andy Poland Logo: Allard Laban
Audio Assistance: Jason Knox
Production Assistance: Garrett Schultz

Sponsored by: Squarespace (code: MAGIC) and ZipRecruiter

Description

"The Baron finds an old episode Arnie forgot to upload, from two days before the seige [sic] of Hogsface. Our hosts learn about magic paint from a 'carfoonist.'"

Summary

Baron Ragoon is casting the pod this week because Arnie threatened not to record anymore to defy the Dark Lord. Instead, the Baron finds an unreleased episode that was recorded two days before the Dark Lord’s invasion of Hogsface. He’s confused by the Mysterious Man opening the recording, but he releases it anyway:

Arnie explains the show and introduces Usidore and Chunt as usual. In Usidore’s longwinded introduction, he says that one of his secret names can destroy cities. Specifically, his secret name destroyed the city of Sklim.

Everyone is excited that they will embark in two days on their quest to defeat the Dark Lord, and how nothing can go wrong at all. Several times during the episode they discuss whether they should check the basement but Arnie shoots down the idea.

Arnie introduces Charles Schmutz, a professional carfoonist. Carfooning one of the twelve arts of Foon:

  1. Small Horses
  2. Babies
  3. Ugly Babies
  4. Paintings
  5. Paintings of Babies
  6. Paintings of Ugly Babies
  7. Paintings of Horses
  8. Sex
  9. Ugly Sex
  10. Paintings of Ugly Sex (which decorate the Vermillion Minotaur)
  11. Movies
  12. Carfooning

A carfoonist use magic-infused paints and inks to bring drawings to life, but not everyone can create them because it requires study and training. Early in Charles’ career his first carfoon of an orange cat suffocated because he forgot to draw it with lungs.

Arnie introduces a Foon sponsor, Kobold Hunters with a missed connections ad. Charles has a new hit carfoon idea: Kobolds that live the toilet ("gotta crap 'em all").

Charles explains that he got into the University of Carfooning by drawing a badger, which was a trick question because he was presented with an picture of a shapeshifter. They discuss that Chunt has made money by posing for drawings and perverts. Usidore says that he’s also made money similarly, such as using his magic to terrify people into waking up before urinating into a corner.

Charles explains how carfoonists are required to study all the arts to understand life before they can bring carfoons to life, and their works used to live on forever. A legend says that an angry student once dabbled in dark art and accidentally created the Dark Lord, so paints are now regulated so carfoons live for three weeks only.

Chunt reads the first email, from Erin: Hey, what up? They decide not to answer it.

Second email, from Macy: What was the name that destroyed Sklim? Usidore refuses to speak the name, and explains that the city his named destroyed was mostly an outhouse next to a horse post. This inspires another great idea for a carfoon: Pretty Shitty City

Charles says that he lives with his wife in Hogsface, but Usidore has never met him before despite enjoying his carfoons. Arnie isn’t sure if he’s seen a carfoon before, but he’s seen a small child and tiger around Hogsface, which Charles confirms is one of his works and will perish in three weeks (but it lives on in our hearts!). He explains that the first time he drew the child, the carfoon child died early because he forgot to draw it an anus.

The Baron interrupts the recording to play the podcast sponsors.

Arnie, Chunt and Usidore discussed starting their quest early, but they’ve been feeling under the weather so they decide to wait two more days.

Chunt reads another email, this one from Cody: Have you thought about what your group name is going to be? Cody suggests Adequate Adventurers, which Usidore finds insulting.

Arnie questions the practicality of wizard hats, but Usidore says it’s where he keeps everything, and pulls out his magic wand, which impresses everyone in the tavern.

Email from Lucy Moonstar: I thought that this was a Magic the Gathering thing, I’m pleasantly surprised.

Chunt asks Arnie if he’s going to learn more magic for the quest, and which he replies by demonstrating the light spell. Charles says that he can teach him some rudimentary carfooning magic. Arnie then asks if there is a price for his carfoon magic, which is 65 coins per hour.

Chunt feels bad for Lucy Moonstar but he doesn’t understand Magic the Gathering. Arnie tries to explain that it’s a card game that college students get into, spend too much money on, call their mother for more money, then drop out of school. Chunt says that exists in Foon as drugs.

They decide to play the game Bards Against Humility, in which one has to play the bard and sing a limerick and not embarrass himself. Arnie starts first and stumbles:

There was once a boy from Ohio
There was once a boy from Ohio
He then went to college
He then went to college
There was once a boy from Ohio

Usidore plays with his limerick:

Usidore attended the Great Halls of Terr'akkas
Chickens have cloacas, kobolds have cloakkas
There I became even more blue
My powers became strong and became true
And with these great powers, with the great Dark Lord I’ll get into a fracas

They ask Charles if he wants to play, which Chunt demonstrates with his own limerick:

Arnie always says I look like a skunk
And that puts me in a funk
You bet your bottom buck
I’m cool as fuck
And Arnie is just a weak ass little punk

Charles says that limericks is the 13th unlucky art, while improv is the 14th art. He then tries a limerick:

There once was an artist from Foon
He tried to make a drawing too soon
An orange cat he tried
No lungs so it died
So he killed it with a blunt end of a spoon

Charles plugs his newest project: A guy from the another planet falls through a hole behind a restaurant and into a magical land. He befriends a red wizard, and unfunny person that doesn’t change at all. Charles says that carfoonish likes people name Arnie and wants to defend him.

Arnie thanks Charles, Chunt, Usidore, and everyone in the tavern. He closes the recording by attempting another limerick:

There once was a boy from Ohio
He was very luck, oh my-o
He went on a quest
With his friends who are the best
And that’s the end, hey bye-o!

The Baron stops the old recording relieved that Arnie, Chunt and Usidore never discovered the portal in the basement. He also dispels the myth that the Dark Lord is a carfoon, saying that it was a previous dark lord that failed. He then reads more emails:

Does Foon have glasses (eye glasses)? As in glass eyes? Yes, Foon has glass eyes.

What other restaurants and taverns are there in Foon? Smothering Widow, Crying Basilisk (a brunch place), Hangry Hippo, Club 54, Pint-o-Poison (just a name). The Baron doesn’t go out that much since he has his own cook and he also goes into other people’s homes and threatens them to make dinner for him.

The Baron says that he might lift the curfew to allow more people back into the tavern to keep Arnie happy and recording. He then closes the podcast by failing to stop the recording.

The Mysterious Man ends the podcast with his own limerick:

There once was a man who confessed
World protecting was his interest
If you are from Ohio
Don’t rhyme with oh my-o
When Scott Baio surpasses the test

Foon Sponsor

Kobold Hunters missed connection ad, by Jay and Miles of Jay & Miles Xplain the X-Men

Additional Appearances

Earth References

Notes

This episode takes place between episodes 99 and 100, just before the Siege of Hogsface.

Recorded live at the Emerald City Comic Con on Mar 2, 2017.

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