Season 2, Ep 99 – The Weapon
The Weapon
Hello from the Magic Tavern episode
Air date March 17, 2019
Episode no. S02E99
Episode Link
Hosts Arnie, Chunt, Usidore
Guests Spurt the Elder, Squibbert, Baron Ragoon
Producers Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgi
Associate Producer {$associateproducer}
Editor Ryan DiGiorgi
Logo Allard Laban
Theme music Andy Poland
Audio assistance Jason Knox
Production assistance Garrett Schultz
Episode chronology
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"Chunt’s Wedding" "Big Mittens Game"
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"The Weapon" is the ninety-ninth episode of season two of Hello from the Magic Tavern. It was originally released on March 17, 2019.


What is the weapon? What does it do? Poet Laureate Spurt the Elder shares some ancient poems and literature that might help.


In the tavern, Arnie, Chunt, and Usidore discuss the events of the wedding, and Usidore announces that he senses the Void was defeated (his arm is restored, and he witnessed Sarah’s victory over it while in the wizard state).

They spot Spurt the Elder at the bar and invite him over. He has been making a tour of the roads of Foon, and catching up on reading the books he finds in roadside give-a-book-take-a-book libraries, including a history of Hogsface itself.

Spurt shares some of the history of Hogsface, including the Vermilion Minotaur. While Arnie knew it was a way station for adventurers, he did not appreciate that it had been so for centuries, and that the ancestors of Otok and Blemish were in fact members of the Order of the Flagon, innkeepers and publicans who could be trusted to aid adventurers and keepsake powerful weapons and treasures. Even the very table they sit at is storied, which they discuss since Arnie has a splinter from it.

Their conversation is interrupted by the arrival Baron Ragoon and Squibbert. They announce that the Dark Lord is ending the truce, and the Orcs situated around the town are receiving orders that they are no longer to cooperate with Arnie, Chunt, and Usidore. He takes the Penelope and announces the Dark Lord will be using it to destroy Earth before he completes his conquest of Foon.

The Baron complains at their ineffectiveness in finding the weapon, and managing the town, but Usidore reminds him Hogsface has successfully built a new Mittens stadium and organized an exhibition game of the townsfolk against the orcs. The Baron agrees and has an idea: he’ll hold off on the attack for one more week, because he wishes for Usidore, Arnie, and Chunt to witness a humiliating defeat on the Mittens pitch before the final defeat of Foon.


Spurt recites two poems, the first is an ode to the Vermilion Minotaur by the poet Bombadillo:

Anybody with the gall to walk upon the Steward’s Path,
Better do the the math, unless they’re looking for ensuing wrath,
of the highways protectors, inspecting the payloads,
of any Foonish traveler that’s out upon the great road
of violence and stabbery, robbery academy,

stepping on the highway’s invitation to catastrophe

but you better have, like, a billion scimitars,
If you come to spar at the Vermilion Minotaur.

Temperature is toasty, guarded by the Barleyfeet,
Patronized by famous guys; Barbathians, they hardly sleep
Or taste defeat. Hell, that hasn’t happened since
Minotaurs took a countess’s baby to the labyrinth.

Hotter than a Dragon’s den, McShingleshane lavishing,
Not just another joint to drain your flagons in, lifeforce unraveling,
deader than cadavers when they’re at the business end of a javelin, that’s travelin’.

People in the tavern grin when battles about to happen.
The killing good superstore of magical weapans,
You won’t last, blood flows fast,

turtles with nunchuck, sias, swords and bo staffs
Its no shock that Otok and all of his descendants 
can cold cock the whole block
A flagon full of vengeance.

You got a spell you’re looking to cast? 

You’ll catch a size ten barleyfoot up your ass.

And that’s a volume measurement, checked by academics,

and all new residents inspected by a Blemish,

Cats got their tongue, their tongues got the cats, 

No rasp in their lungs, just grunge from the rats

They don’t drink Rainbow bowls or ambrosias,

They only feel the pain of toxoplasmosis.

Steward’s Path guardians, this scrolls recording

Blemish and the Barleyfoot, Minotaur Wardens

The second poem, "This Very Table", is a traditional nursery rhyme:

Look here kids, its not cherry maple
But you’ll sit around and have good time at this very table

Enjoy it in summer, fall, vwishtash, or winter

Though if you rub it you might get a splinter

But the splinter can be your friend this eve

If that splinter doesn’t want to leave

Splinters will stay, yes they like to linger

You’ll go to sleep with a new friend in your finger

New characters

  • Otok Barleyfoot (historical) — an ancestor of the current Otok
  • Bombadillo — an ancient poet


While Spurt attributes them to others, both poems were written by Andy Carey.

Earth references

  • Microsoft Excel
  • diegetic sounds
  • Apple Podcast Numbering system
  • Black Panther
  • TSA
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
  • "Explicit" label

Behind the scenes

The Weapon
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Chunt, Baron Ragoon, Squibbert, Spurt the Elder, Usidore, Arnie
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