Season 3, Ep 5 – Castle Guards

Castle Guards
Hello from the Magic Tavern episode
Air date August 19, 2019
Episode no. S03E05
Episode Link
Hosts Arnie, Chunt, Usidore
Guests Sir Baldsman and Sir Hairspiece, guards
Producers Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, Adal Rifai
Post-production coordination Garrett Schultz
Earwolf producer Kimmie Lucas
Editor Chris Rathjen
Logo Allard Laban
Theme music Andy Poland
Special assistance Ryan DiGiorgi
National Highway Traffic Safety Administration
The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance
Episode chronology
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"More Moles" "Lord’s Brother"
List of episodes

"Castle Guards" is the fifth episode of season three of Hello from the Magic Tavern. It was originally released on August 19, 2019.


Something is amiss outside of the gates of Velsmeer.


While Chunt enjoys his new abilities to shape-shift at will; he, Arnie and Usidore approach Castle Velsmeer to request their aid in the fight against the Dark Lord. The trio theorize why they're still able to receive a WiFi signal so far from the portal, and explain they have shrunk Mundle the Grundle (now Mindle the Grindle) who is riding in Usidore's hat to play the theme. Usidore is known in Velsmeer as Smanko, and has met Queen Semansa, who reigned on his last visit.

They encounter castle guards Sir Baldsman and Sir Hairspiece who tell him they are close friends with the new king, and can get the trio into the castle. They have several jokes about the king and keep explaining that they know him closely, but as the conversation progresses it becomes clear they are over-stating their relationship. Eventually Baldsman and Hairspiece admit they are not guards but are themselves exiles trying to get back into the castle. They have been banned for insulting the king and have committed numerous crimes, including killing hostages, to regain entrance.

Usidore offers to vouch for them if they agree to change their lives but Baldsman and Hairspiece decide they cannot stop joking and insulting others. They insult the trio until gently insulted themselves, at which point they mercilessly insult themselves. Having received tiny cuts on their penises from Chunt (who wanted to add injury to insult), they climb into to shallow graves to die. Having learned the castle has public visiting hours, Arnie, Chunt and Usidore walk away to enter the castle.

Post Credit Scene

Sir Baldsman and Sir Hairspiece tells one more joke with their final breath. It kills and Chunt is ready to go back to hear more.


  • Ben asks if wizards can breathe underwater. They can.

New Characters

  • Queen Samansa
  • Sir Riasis
  • Sir Ringworm
  • Sir Rasirrah
  • Sir Rotcha
  • Sir Ratedknife
  • Sir Pent
  • Sir Fandturf
  • Good William

Recurring Characters

Earth References

  • “Take my wife … please!” - Henny Youngman
  • Velveeta
  • velvet rope
  • Disney’s Fastpass
  • Motley Crew
  • Entourage
  • Big Bang Theory, "Bazinga"
  • "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer" - The Godfather
  • psoriasis
  • ringworm
  • "Que Será, Será"
  • serrated knife
  • Sriracha
  • surf 'n' turf
  • "Yankee Doodle"
  • Second hand stores, Goodwill, Salvation Army and their Santas
  • Five Guys
  • Flat tires
  • "Ass, Gas, or Cash (No One Rides for Free)" - K-Dee
  • Plastic surgery
  • "mess with the bull and you get the horns"
  • butterface
  • FaceOff


  • In horse form, Chunt's name is Stamina
  • Arnie makes assumptions on his splitter that he got back in Season 2

Behind the Scenes

Castle Guards
Image Unavailable
Arnie, Usidore, Sir Baldsman, Sir Hairspiece, Chunt
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