Season 3, Ep 91 - Pirate Captain

Season 3, Ep 91 - Pirate Captain
Hello from the Magic Tavern episode
Air date May 17, 2021
Episode no. S03E91
Episode Link
Hosts Arnie, Chunt, Usidore
Guests Cap'n Loraina Bones, Sylvestra, Sylvestor
Producers Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, Adal Rifai
Post-production coordination Garrett Schultz
Earwolf producer Kimmie Lucas
Editor Garrett Schultz
Logo Allard Laban
Theme music Andy Poland
Special assistance Ryan DiGiorgi
Episode chronology
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"Evil Couple in the City" "Not a Unicorn"
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"Pirate Captain" is the ninety-first episode of season three of Hello from the Magic Tavern. It was originally released on May 17, 2021.


Cap'n Loraina Bones stops by to talk about being a pirate, loving gossip and having a missing ship.


Back at The Rooster’s Left Foot, Chunt is enjoying his time with his “Ass Menagerie”. He has also taken the responsibility of watching over Sylvestra and Sylvestor, the twins of the Skinny dogs, Vonquestra and Telimpia of the Dark. Despite this being good practice for then he is reunited with Eggy Baby and when it hatches, he might be going crazy. Meanwhile, Usidore tells Chunt and Arnie that he may have found a new guest for the podcast; a pirate!

Cap'n Loraina Bones jumps into the group rather quickly, openly sharing her past of her parents throwing her down the stairs and how strong she is. She also is excited to talk to the trio since she had already heard so much about them, not just from the words around the city, but from one of her besties, one of Usidore’s former lovers. The group has made a list of possible loves, including Earth actress Sigourney Weaver, but none of them hit the nail on the head.

But conversation jumps around, focusing on who Cap'n Bones and who she really is. She hasn’t been able to travel very much, partly because of the Shattering, but a good portion because of her eldest sister, Bago, and the youngest brother, Glisten, has teamed up, taken Cap'n bone’s ship, the Gos Ship, and left her on a dingy. Before, she was a pirate of information, which explains her interests in the world around her. One of her sources of information is from Duncan Brittlebrains (the alive Brittlebrains). She was also a previous classmate with Tomblain Belaroth. Cap'n Bones wanted to meet the group and was able to find them after hearing a rumor that they went into the forest and will return to the city.

All Cap'n Bones wants to do right now is to get her ship back. But being in The Rooster’s Left Foot allows the gang to relax, learn some sea shanties about sexy dogs, drink different rated drinks, and get jaxxed, to which Arnie is a big proponent of. It makes it all more hurtful when Cap'n Bone mentions that her sister distributes the Jaxxs and earns good money doing so, she still felt the need to take Cap'n Bone’s ship and take it onto the TM Seas. Arnie asks about if there was any relation to Duke Vance, to which Cap'n Bones begrudgingly tells about the legend of her sister’s husband, who is a stick swinger and has murdered shrubs.

Eventually, the group guesses that Cap'n Bones has a connection with Germ Crust, the makeup artist that Usidore had a relationship with in another timeline. She did not mention her name since she didn’t know have slighted her yet. However the two women have not seen each other in so long. They are part of a five person best friendship along with Worm, Squirm, and Nerm, as displayed in Cap'n Bone’s locket.

The guys thank Cap'n Bones and share an email.


  • Josh emails that they plant soybeans on the great open lands of Illinois. It is 1 am and the only reason they could stay awake is because of the hosts (and guests). They request that the hosts ask their listeners what they do while listening to the podcast. Each member gives their own speculations (toilet, operate, etc.), but they request that anyone listening, in an urban area, to lower down their windows to put the podcast on blast. They then begin to shout a mix of questionable things.

There is another call to action to send more “Is this a Real Email?” emails and slow down on the cat anuses.

New characters

  • Worm
  • Squirm
  • Nerm
  • Bago Bones
  • Duke Vance
  • Glisten Bones
  • Sammy Fancypants

Recurring Characters

  • Sylvestra the skinny dog
  • Sylvestor the skinny dog
  • Duncan Brittlebrains (mentioned)
  • Germ Crust (Mentioned)
  • Jyn'Leeviyah (mentioned)

Earth References

  • Blackjack
  • Ambien
  • Glass Menagerie
  • Family Stone
  • Sly and the Family Stone
  • Paul F. Tompkins
  • Bouncing Baby
  • DeForest Kelley
  • Star Trek
  • "What a to-do to die today"
  • Wing tip shoes
  • Gorillas in the Mist
  • COVID Pandemic
  • "knowledge is power"
  • D&D's long rest
  • Forest Gump, "Run , Forest, Run"
  • Motion Picture Association film rating system
  • Sigourney Weaver
    • Aliens
    • Ghostbuster, Zuul
  • Malcolm in the Middle
  • Kool-Aid Man's "Oh yeah"
  • "Girl on Fire" by Alicia Keys
  • Abbott and Castello's "Third Base"
  • "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service"
  • Vaccinations
  • Pisces
  • "Blister in the Sun" by the Violent Femmes
  • TMZ
  • paparazzi
  • The Legend of Bagger Vance
  • Pen15
  • Capital One
  • "Gin & Juice" by Snoop Dogg
  • Russian Hackers
  • Chernobyl


  • In this section of the “Podcast Family” Story, The Mysterious Man describes the young ones ringing the podcast bell again, but no one came. The boy says "Well, it's done then" while lighting a cloved cigarette. The girl asks him what he has done, but the boy defines his action as justice.
  • In character, Arnie gives props to the audio engineer, which is probably Garrett Schultz.
  • They say Cap'n Bones is the first true pirate on the podcast, but mention the events of S3E31 - Thieves.
  • This episode covers both S3E86 - Eunuch's Comeback and S3E87 - Princess Trachea's Plan
  • Usidore has a long list of former lovers:
    • Melissa Cattywhompus
    • Caroline DeBuuv (sp?)
    • Tracy Tata-tata
    • Jyn'Leeviyah the Red
    • Sigourney the Basket Weaver
    • Gladys the Angry Penquin
  • Although Chunt primarily sings "Hey Sexy Dog", the was another sea shanty the group learned during the break.
  • The Royal Pool has been updated since their last visit:
    • Chunt has Risen the Ranks
    • Usidore doubles down on Wondertinkle, the Goat Lady
    • Sir Scootington is now "dead as hell", later elaborated in Season 3, Episode 94
    • Sammy Fancypants is catching up to Chunt
  • There was a Great Grandmother Migration 40 years ago where a portal opened and all the grandmas went in.
    • This created the need for Grandma School
    • There is a theory that all the grandmas just went to Southeastia
  • Usidore insists that Kraptor is not related to him, yet carries a locket with his image in it

Behind the Scenes

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