Season 3, Ep 92 - Not a Unicorn (w/ Amber Nash)
Season 3, Ep 92 - Not a Unicorn (w/ Amber Nash)
Hello from the Magic Tavern episode
HFTMT%20earwolf%20250.png
Air date May 24, 2021
Episode no. S03E92
Episode Link
Cast
Hosts Arnie, Chunt, Usidore
Guests Greg the Pegasus
Production
Producers Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, Adal Rifai
Post-production coordination Garrett Schultz
Earwolf producer Kimmie Lucas
Editor Anna Havermann
Logo Allard Laban
Theme music Andy Poland
Special assistance Ryan DiGiorgi
Sponsor
Episode chronology
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"Not a Unicorn" is the ninety-second episode of season three of Hello from the Magic Tavern. It was originally released on May 24, 2021.

Description

A visit to the Unicorn Ranch leads to a meeting with Greg the Unicorn… who is very clearly a Pegasus.

Summary

At the outskirts of Northeastia, Arnie, Chunt and Usidore are taking some time for rest and relaxation. While Usidore and Chunt are feeling inspired by “the nature”, Arnie is starting to regret being out there.

The group approaches their final destination, the Unicorn Ranch, which they are greeted by Greg, the host, and they confirms Usidore’s reservation. However, when Greg introduces themself, Usidore is surprised as they seems more like a Pegasus than a Unicorn. But Greg, despite having no horn and wings that “don’t work”, was raised by unicorns, works at a unicorn ranch, and has siblings that are unicorns, especially Chad, who is very shitty to Greg. Becauase they are not like the other unicorns, they must remain at the front gates as a greeter. The group plays along, but Chunt offers his corndog to Greg to give them a horn. Greg is happy with the idea, but is more likely to stick the corn dog stick in the eye. Usidore also offers to use magic to give Greg a horn. Greg stops the process, wanting to have more time to think about it, while Arnie says that maybe they should have a new policy of not doing major transformations until after the break.

Greg shows the trio around and they, in turn, get to know a little more about Greg. Greg willingly admits that they were conceived at the Shitty Little Fuckaround, a bar/strip club that was on the way to the Unicorn Ranch. They are not very self-confident. Still, Greg takes pride in their job. They bring the group to the lockers to change into to ride the Unicorns. Chunt finds some assless chaps in his locker while Usidore finds a cattle costume, which the Unicorns herd the cattle. Usidore makes a fuse, even though he made the reservation. Arnie and Chunt don’t know that Usidore has done this kind of thing before, so he asks Greg to feign ignorance. Arnie finds a knife with a note that says “You know what to do.”

While selecting the proper unicorn to ride, Greg says that unicorns, essentially, live forever. The only way they can die is by being stabbed by another unicorn’s horn. The most common time that unicorns die is, ironically, almost right after when unicorns are born. Once a year, all the baby unicorns appear (maybe from the Shitty Little Fuckaround) and they learn to walk, unintentionally creating unicorn jousting. As Chunt finds his unicorn and wants to walk side by side with it, But Arnie, in fear of leaving a unicorn out of the fun, asks if there are any unicorns that are chosen the least. Greg points out Francis, an old shit of a unicorn that, legend has it, may be the first unicorn ever. Greg also suggests a game of chicken to hopefully kill Francis and put him out of his misery. The only caveat is there might be a theory that if the first unicorn dies, all unicorns cease to exist.

The group asks if Greg has ever been chosen, but they say no and Chad made sure of it. Sick of Chad’s mistreatment of Greg, Usidore is pushed to confront him. However, Chad is big as fuck and eats Usidore. Arnie and Chunt, knowing that Usidore will be fine, asks for a partial refund, but Greg doesn’t have the means to access the finances of the Unicorn Ranch. They offer their own funds to reimburse them, which makes them feel bad. Instead, Chunt asks for the assless chaps to sell at the Shitty Little Fuckaround.

Once Usidore comes back out, they can continue their ride. Greg explains that the Unicorns drive the cattle back and forth for feeding. At the end of the cattle’s life, they are then led to the slaughterhouse. During the trot, Arnie asks if Greg has any dreams, to which they respond that they didn’t think they could have dreams. They wish to be like their unicorn brethren and levitate like them when their horn is touched. Usidore points out that Greg could try to levitate with their wings. Greg tries and is able to fly. Now understanding their life as a Pegasus, and not a unicorn, they feel no repercussions if they decide to kill Francis. Meanwhile, Arnie has been stabbing Francis with the knife that he was given.

Arnie asks what pegisides do in Foon, but the honest truth is their potential is limitless. Greg goes back and forth between venturing around or being a homemaker, but is excited by the prospect of owning the Shitty Little Fuckaround and making it their own.

Chunt asks if they should still Chad since he is still a jerk, so Usidore was able to convince Francis to fight Chad. After over 30 minutes of fighting (edited out), Francis is severely beaten up and Chad chokes on Chunt’s corndog, killing him. Usidore conjures new corndogs for each of them, to which Greg sticks the stick in their eye. Greg leaves to start their new life and Arnie asks if any of the other unicorns talk, but the group finds that they do talk, they just were never addressed to.

Emails

There are no new emails this week.

New characters

  • Chad, the Unicorn
  • Francis, the, supposedly, first unicorn
  • Britney Spears, Chad's unicorn wife

Recurring Characters

Earth References

  • Pennywise
  • A Shaq Movie
  • WaldenBooks
  • McDonalds “One Million Served”
  • Prom
  • Jesus
  • Extant
  • Easter Eggs
  • Easter Island
  • Kinder Eggs
  • Cadbury Eggs
  • Peeps
  • RVs
  • Bar souvenirs
  • Brittney Spears
  • Backlights
  • Spencer’s Gift
  • Roller-coaster souvenir pictures
  • DVDs
  • ABBA, Mamma Mia
  • The Ugly Duckling
  • “We’re Gonna Make It After All”
  • Peabody Award
  • Nativity Scene

Notes

  • The Mysterious Man describes at the center of town, the new podcast bell clangs. At the outskirts, a young woman watches the sun set from a house, as she ominously declares war. She goes to pack her bags and listens to the show.
  • Chunt has lost track of Sylvestra and Sylvestor
  • Unlike horses, the fingers must be pointed up to feed the unicorns
  • According to Greg, to find the right Unicorn to ride, measure from the elbow to the middle finger and match that length with the unicorn with that length of horn.

Behind the Scenes

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