Season 4, Ep 14 - Usidore's Death Bed

Season 4, Ep 14 - Usidore's Death Bed
Hello from the Magic Tavern episode
Air date January 30, 2022
Episode no. S04E014
Episode Link
Hosts Arnie, Chunt, Usidore
Guests none
Producers Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, Adal Rifai
Post-production coordination Garrett Schultz
Editor Anna Havermann
Logo Allard Laban
Theme music Andy Poland
Special assistance Ryan DiGiorgi
Episode chronology
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"Usidore's Death Bed" is the fourteenth episode of season four of Hello from the Magic Tavern. It was originally released on January 30, 2022.


The time has come for Usidore to fake his death. Arnie and Chunt are feeling surprisingly emotional about it. Alternate title: DS Time.


Usidore’s Death Day has finally come. Arnie introduces the podcast with his “only” co-host, Chunt. Chunt parses Arnie’s intro, but the more Arnie explains how he “fell through” the dimensional portals, the more holes Chunt tries to poke through. Arnie justifies it by telling him that “It All Makes Sense”.

Despite Usidore’s death being a farce, both hosts are feeling surprisingly emotional. Even they have to put on a show as they have to make everyone believe that they know Usidore is dying, too. However, without Usidore to anchor them, Chunt and Arnie fall into a feedback loop, repeating each other and reacting to the other’s reaction. Luckily, there is not too much pressure to go to the side room where Usidore is held, as long as they appear before Usidore makes his grand display of death (or lack thereof).

A termite calls from below the tall table, asking to come up. Arnie invites the termite up and he flies to take a seat. He asks for a little to eat and Chunt offers him the napkin holder. His accent is very noticeable and Chunt cannot help but to comment on it. They ask him his name and where he is from, to which the termite says his name is Hardwood Fuckbuddy. Hardwood provided too much blue comedy for the podcast and Arnie and Chunt mutually agree to not let the termite be Usidore’s replacement. As a last ditch effort, Chunt gives the termite one last chance to clean up his act by asking him to describe his perfect day. However, Hardwood’s response is still too filthy and Chunt kicks him off. Arnie is still curious about his family, so he does ask Hardwood to stick around the tavern so he could list his family’s names.

Arnie and Chunt try to stall a bit longer, but find themselves in the receiving room before meeting Usidore. The two debate to reconvene again when they are both emotionally available, but their schedules do not line up. They describe how they think Usidore will go out when a being made out of roses comes up to them asking if they are waiting in line for the bathroom. Although they tell the being that they are not in the bathroom line, the being still has to go and invite Arnie and Chunt to go to the bathroom together with him at some point that day. Chunt asks about the functions of his roses, as he has been plucking them off to create a bouquet of flowers for Usidore. Each flower creates a new set of sentient flowers, so the being doesn’t mind. The being seems odd, but the final straw on the camel’s back was when the flower bundle says his name is Spunkle. Too dirty for the podcast right now, the two shoo him away. However they are left with the Spunkle bouquet for Usidore. For more stalling tactics, Arnie and Chunt try to count to 500, ask about Spunkle’s life and his stall tactics (for the bathroom), and try to distinguish each individual rose. Arnie realizes that they have been talking about Usidore not really dying and faking his death, which they are forced to set the Spunkle bouquet on fire.

Unable to see Usidore, Chunt takes Arnie outside to walk around and clear their heads. A bee comes by and stings Chunt. To make sure the bee does not live forever, Arnie takes one of Chunt’s needles, kept with him for this specific reason, and murders the bee. This does not stop Chunt’s allergic reaction to bee stings, made more complicated as they are reminded that Chunt’s late husband’s nether regions were made of bees. A paladin sees the scene and offers to help, but Chunt lashes out on the paladin, nitpicking his words and insulting him. Chunt backpedals once he realizes that the paladin, Sir Richard Gethard, can actually heal him by claiming that he and Arnie were playing Meanies before the paladin joined. To thank Sir Gethard for his white magic, Chunt offers to pay for his drink in the tavern, but he should go wait in line for the bathroom first, then join him at the table where he will be a termite. Arnie and Chunt try to stall once more by engaging with an acorn with a face, but finally realize that they should go see Usidore.

The side room in the Strange Familiar is very dark and quiet when Arnie and Chunt enter. Usidore weakly calls for Jyn’Leeviyah, but once he realizes that it is only them, he drops the feeble old man act and readjusts. According to Usidore, they are the only two that had shown up and he had been waiting in a death position. Sensing his disappointment, Chunt and Arnie talk about all the messages and gifts that they have received on Usidore’s behalf; gifts and such from Aprel Füls, Lil Chuch, and so forth. Still Usidore seems a little disappointed as he had appeared too many of his friends and acquaintances in their dreams to remind them that he is dying. Yet, Chunt and Arnie refuse to back down that there are so many denizens of Foon that care about him. Usidore decides to extend his death bed period a few more weeks and ties his bunk bed to his head so that those who still want to wish him goodbye can.

As they reach their usual table at the bar, they meet with Hardwood Fuckbuddy again, as he tries to say all his family members' names, and fails.

Post Credit Scene

Hardwood Fuckbuddy names a few of his family members: Dick Fuckbuddy (father), Nipples Fuckbuddy, née Pussy (mother), and cousins Anal Fuckbuddy, Anus Fuckbuddy, Buddyfuck Anus, and Buddyfuck Anal.


There are no new emails this week.

New Characters

  • Hardwood Fuckbuddy, the flying termite
  • Roger and Roger
  • Spunkle, walking collection of roses
  • Sir Richard Gethard, the Paladin
  • Labia Titsfondle, the acorn
  • Lil' Chuch, the ladybug
  • Dick Fuckbuddy, Hardwood's father
  • Nipples Fuckbuddy (née Pussy), Hardwood's mother
  • Anal Fuckbuddy, Hardwood's cousin
  • Anus Fuckbuddy, Hardwood's cousin
  • Buddyfuck Anus, Hardwood's cousin
  • Buddyfuck Anal, Hardwood's cousin

Recurring Characters

Earth References

  • Tinder
  • Full House, Mr. Woodchuck
  • Cockney Accent
  • London, England
  • Cock Rings
  • Ford Taurus
  • "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)" by Beyoncé
  • Communist
  • The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost
  • Jumping the Shark
  • Being "woke"
  • Sir Ian McKellen, Gandalf
  • "It's My Party" by Lesley Gore
  • Stephen King novels
    • Under The Dome
    • Pet Sematary
    • Christine
    • Misery
    • The Shining
    • Needful Things
    • Tommyknockers
    • Children of the Corn
    • Delores Claiborne
    • 11/22/63
    • Dark Tower: Wizard and Glass
    • Dark Tower: Wolves of the Calla
    • The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon
    • The Stand
  • Astrology
  • The Juilliard School
  • Lily Tomlin


  • Technically, Arnie recorded the time he fell through the dimensional portal.
  • The Origins of "Don't Die" comes from a Patreon Episode where a user ends their question with "Don't Die".

Behind the Scenes

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