| Season 5, Ep 70 - Shopping | |
| Hello from the Magic Tavern episode | |
 |
|
| Air date | September 7, 2025 |
| Episode no. | S05E070 |
| Episode Link | |
| Cast | |
| Hosts | Arnie, Usidore, Chunt |
| Guests | …? |
| Production | |
| Producers | Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, Adal Rifai |
| Associate Producer | Anna Havermann |
| Post-production coordination | Garrett Schultz |
| Editor | Tony Gullick |
| Logo | Allard Laban |
| Theme music | Andy Poland |
| Sponsor | |
| — | |
| Episode chronology | |
| ← Previous | Next → |
| "Automa-Tawny the Automaton Townie" | "Super Studs" |
| List of episodes | |
"Shopping" is the seventieth episode of season five of Hello from the Magic Tavern. It was originally released on September 7, 2025.
Description
A shopping trip in Hogsface leads to a shocking run-in with someone we won't reveal in the episode description.
Summary
The Mysterious Man is reprimanding the listener for tuning into the show, when he is interrupted by Arnie and Usidore, who have walked into the store he runs as a front. He hurriedly comes to the front of the shop to welcome them. Unused to dealing with customers at all, he takes a moment to take on the persona of Bitsy Bangles the shopkeeper.
Chunt comes into the store late and awkwardly apologizes to the Mysterious Man, his boss, for calling in sick that day. The Mysterious Man reprimands him for constantly failing to show up to work.
Usidore explains he seeks to buy a bleeding rose in order to cast a love spell. The hosts notice that the store does not have a clear lane in terms of its wares. It sells, among other things, flowers, windows, sock garters, clothing, wrapping paper, home-made taffy, tiny cigarettes with ice cream inside, picture books, and dust, all for the same price of seven gold.
Chunt encourages Arnie to act as the shop's mannequin, so he models clothing in the shop window. A customer comes in to purchase both the cape Arnie's wearing and Arnie himself, but is turned off by his singing and just leaves with the cape. Chunt recalls that Arnie calls Diet Cokes fridge cigarettes. The Mysterious Man then offers cold cigarettes into which he's shoved ice cream treats.
Arnie asks the Mysterious Man if he could record the podcast in the store. The Mysterious Man pretends to have no emotional response to this prospect and agrees to be interviewed. When Arnie begins asking about the Mysterious Man's background, questioning why Usidore and Chunt don't recognize him when they know almost everyone in Hogsface, the Mysterious Man deflects.
Usidore recounts his origin story, including his slow realization that he shouldn't be naked all the time and acquisition of robes. Chunt asks where he got his robes from, and they realize that Usidore stole them from people's clotheslines, having thought that they grew there naturally. The group wonder if Usidore might be the Great Foonish Laundry Thief who was at large 350 years ago, whom Usidore tried to track down but "everywhere I went it seemed he was just ahead of me."
Arnie discovers a laser gun in the pocket of the robes he's tried on and recalls Chunt's short-lived ownership of one. The Mysterious Man seems unfamiliar with monetary transactions and doesn't realize he should be collecting gold from Usidore for his purchases.
Chunt notices an Employee of the Month plaque on the wall for the first time. The Mysterious Man chastises him for only noticing now. The Employees of the Month are as follows: Not Chunt, Not Chunt, Not Chunt, and Manny Mysterio. The Mysterious Man reluctantly pays Chunt wages for bringing in two customers.
Arnie is suspicious and accuses the Mysterious Man of running a front. When the Mysterious Man is offended, Arnie apologizes and says that he wouldn't judge him for having a secret business in the back. Arnie asks if he's doing "pervert stuff." A bunch of perverts then come into the store, probably confusing it with the store "Stuffed Perverts" which is right across the street. Chunt asks to be taken to "Stuffed Perverts" to be taxidermied once he's died.
The Mysterious Man says he has some equipment for a private "side pursuit" in the back, as well as a jar with a bleeding rose that he received from someone with a thick cockney accent. The group decides to recreate that moment by acting out a play that the Mysterious Man wrote, with Usidore playing the Mysterious Man as well as the whimsical hobby horse. Chunt is disappointed to not get either part. Arnie takes the laser sound effects and stage directions, but gives the narrator role to Chunt. The Mysterious Man plays the man who brought in the rose.
In the scene, the man hands over his laser guns and proclaims he must hide the rose, an object of mighty importance that no one should get their hands on. The rose is meant to bring true love, but the man misused it to gain a love that isn't true. The Mysterious Man agrees to take the rose.
After concluding the play, the Mysterious Man gives Arnie some notes. Usidore says that he's considering using the rose to cause the wizards to fall in love, with him or with each other, to try to end the wizard war. The Mysterious Man confirms, via a surprise act two of the play, that the rose can still create un-true love if wielded by a very powerful magic-user.
A stranger comes into the shop to drop off a blank book that functions like Death Note, where writing the name of someone in its pages kills them. Usidore considers writing all the wizards' names in it. When Arnie wonders if it could kill people in other dimensions, the Mysterious Man gets angry over the claim that other dimensions exist and kicks them out of the store. He keeps the death book for himself, but allows Usidore to take the bleeding rose.
Arnie is putting up posters about his search for a dimensional portal, and tells the Mysterious Man that he'll put one up in the store. As the hosts leave, they comment on how odd Chunt's boss is.
Post Credit Scene
While reading the credits, the Mysterious Man says he had to run errands for the shop and therefore didn't listen to the episode. There is a water stain on the part of his script that credits the guest.
Emails
There are no new emails this week.
New Characters
Jeans Hackman, an axe killer who always wears denim who died and was stuffed at Stuffed Perverts. He worked for the store for 45 seconds, but still earned a spot on the Employee of the Month plaque by killing a bunch of shoplifters.
Recurring Characters
Earth References
- "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by Starship
- "I Think We're Alone Now" by Tiffany
- "Our Lips Are Sealed" by the Go-Gos
- Imagine Dragons
- Needful Things by Stephen King
- "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell
- Bert the chimney-sweeper from Mary Poppins
- Death Note
- "I would be like a Ronan" not sure what this is a reference to
Notes
- The Mysterious Man is fond of capes
- Arnie wishes Chunt would call him "boss"
- As the shop name changes, the sign outside transforms as well. Store names from this episode: Barter for a Bargain with Bitsy; Baby's Got Bits with Bitsy; Bits for Bays with Bitsy; Tops and Tails; The Needful Things Situation; Pervert Stuff; Bitsy's Manic Mondays