Spurt The Elder

This article refers to the current holder of the title "Spurt".

Spurt the Elder is the greatest chronicler of Foon of the current age. He is known for his cry of joy, "Fa la! Carella Fa!"

Title of Spurt

"Spurt" is a title that must be won through competition. The original Spurt laid out the history of Foon centuries ago. He died from being dried out, and desiccated without an ounce of moisture. The current Spurt is called "Elder" because he is has gotten old; when he was younger he was called "Spurt the Younger". If one of his students were to claim the title of "Spurt", they would be called "Spurt the Younger".

Works

His most acclaimed pennings were anniversary odes to Titania Belaroth and her many curves, commissioned by Albain Belaroth. These were written with the explicit instructions to be lusty, to "get loose" and "get randy with it". Indeed, had he failed to be sexy, he would have been stripped of his title.

He is regularly commissioned to write poetry, but will also frequently write poetry whenever inspired.

Text of Selected Works

Ode to Titania

Titania, Titania, never ever smooth
By across you I would dip within each groove
If I were to have a needle and thus to inject you,
There'd be no chastity belt that could protect you
Titania, Titania, with gifts i would lavish you
And if I were between sheets, I would simply ravish you
Titania, Titania, through my heart travel ripples
Would that I could clasp my knuckles about thy nipples

A Poem for the Chunt For Red October

Before your socks turn to clover
Come out for the Chunt for Red October
It would be wondrous, fine and good
If you yourself could give some blood
And if you think it's too dark, turn your lamp higher
To help out those needy little vampires
That they might eternally and at night live
Open your veins and give, and give,
And give yourself fingers and hands in laps
And help those out that are handicapped
And know that even though you are not dead,
You can help with your liquid most red.

The Fresh Prince of Belaroth (first stanza)

Sit right there, don't go to the trough
And I shall tell you how he became the Prince of Belaroth
In West Fingara, born and raised
In courtly playgrounds is where he spent many of his days
Yes, he got into a terrible brawl
And his parents were afraid, they said,
"Thou art moving with thine uncle in Belaroth"

Flowers in Foon

Sit right down and stay straight like a missile
As I do write an epistle
To the pistils
Many wond'rous beauties others can be claimin'
But the flowers of Foon are the ones with the stamens
Your mind as it continues could find that it likes to blow
And through turning light to energy these things do grow
And if you think these flowers not beauteous, but crass
Then unto thee, I say,
"S.F.A - suck Flower's ass."

Podcast Episode 33 Recap

If you are a naysayer, or the opposite, a yuppie
If you see things that are there, or if you also see puppies
If you live in a tavern or within a home
If you are life's door or instead are life's gnome
Simply know this: That whenever you feel hurt
You can always have the rhymes at hand of your friend Spurt
And if you get colder or if you are a welder
If you are younger, or if you are elder
Know that within thee lies your own life's coach
And you can look in the mirror and be as beauteous as a roach

Spurt the Elder is played by Andy Carey.

Episode Appearances

33 Spurt The Elder
73 Chunt's Night
91 Magic Turkey (w/ Scott Adsit, Live from the Chicago Podcast Festival)

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