| Spurt the Elder | |
| Hello from the Magic Tavern character | |
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| Spurt, Lois, DQ, Louis, Melchoir, Chunt, Pizza Skull | |
| First appearance | "Spurt the Elder" |
| Played by | Andy Carey |
| Information | |
| Name | Spurt the Elder |
| Species | Humanish |
| Occupation | Historian |
This article refers to the current holder of the title "Spurt".
Spurt the Elder is the greatest chronicler of Foon of the current age. He is known for his cry of joy, "Fa la! Carella Fa!"
Spurt the Elder is played by Andy Carey.
Title of Spurt
"Spurt" is a title that must be won through competition. The original Spurt laid out the history of Foon centuries ago. He died from being dried out, and desiccated without an ounce of moisture. The current Spurt is called "Elder" because he is has gotten old; when he was younger he was called "Spurt the Younger". If one of his students were to claim the title of "Spurt", they would be called "Spurt the Younger".
Works
His most acclaimed pennings were anniversary odes to Titania Belaroth and her many curves, commissioned by Albain Belaroth. These were written with the explicit instructions to be lusty, to "get loose" and "get randy with it". Indeed, had he failed to be sexy, he would have been stripped of his title.
He is regularly commissioned to write poetry, but will also frequently write poetry whenever inspired.
Text of Selected Works
Ode to Titania
Titania, Titania, never ever smooth
By across you I would dip within each groove
If I were to have a needle and thus to inject you,
There'd be no chastity belt that could protect you
Titania, Titania, with gifts i would lavish you
And if I were between sheets, I would simply ravish you
Titania, Titania, through my heart travel ripples
Would that I could clasp my knuckles about thy nipples
A Poem for the Chunt For Red October
Before your socks turn to clover
Come out for the Chunt for Red October
It would be wondrous, fine and good
If you yourself could give some blood
And if you think it's too dark, turn your lamp higher
To help out those needy little vampires
That they might eternally and at night live
Open your veins and give, and give,
And give yourself fingers and hands in laps
And help those out that are handicapped
And know that even though you are not dead,
You can help with your liquid most red.
The Fresh Prince of Belaroth (first version)
Sit right there, don't go to the trough
And I shall tell you how he became the Prince of Belaroth
In West Fingara, born and raised
In courtly playgrounds is where he spent many of his days
Yes, he got into a terrible brawl
And his parents were afraid, they said,
"Thou art moving with thine uncle in Belaroth"
Flowers in Foon
Sit right down and stay straight like a missile
As I do write an epistle
To the pistils
Many wond'rous beauties others can be claimin'
But the flowers of Foon are the ones with the stamens
Your mind as it continues could find that it likes to blow
And through turning light to energy these things do grow
And if you think these flowers not beauteous, but crass
Then unto thee, I say,
"S.F.A - suck Flower's ass."
Podcast Episode 33 Recap
If you are a naysayer, or the opposite, a yuppie
If you see things that are there, or if you also see puppies
If you live in a tavern or within a home
If you are life's door or instead are life's gnome
Simply know this: That whenever you feel hurt
You can always have the rhymes at hand of your friend Spurt
And if you get colder or if you are a welder
If you are younger, or if you are elder
Know that within thee lies your own life's coach
And you can look in the mirror and be as beauteous as a roach
The Fresh Prince of Belaroth (second version)
According to Spurt, this is the "full" version of the shorter song heard the first time. However, in addition to being told in first person instead of third, it seemingly tells another true story, albeit a similar one; it notably gives a different backstory to the titular "Fresh Prince of Belaroth"; in this new version, the Prince come from a different part of Fingaria and was sent away for different reasons, and while Spurt mentions that the Prince of the first story is Blanbain, King Albain's father and predecessor as King, the protagonist of this second story describes Albain as his uncle and already a King, meaning that they might be another "Fresh Prince" than the one the first song was about.
Now this is an epic awesome verse
About how I escaped the Goblin's curse,
So sit right down and this kid from the North
Will tell you how he became the Prince of Belaroth
In North Fingaria, born and raised
In tundras, where I spent most of my days,
Freezing and shivering, trying to stay warm
Playing some Mittens outside in a storm
When a band of Goblins looking to pillage
Started to make trouble in my village!
I survived but my mom was displeased
She said "You're moving with your aunt and uncle in the Northeast!"
I travelled in a trek through the blizzard and snow
'Till I made my way to the Overlander's Road
If anything, I could say this road was lost
But I thought "Nah, forget it, onwards to Belaroth!"
I went the completely wrong way at a moderate pace
And found myself in the town of Hogsface
I turned around and headed east and then north
'Till I found Albain and Titania Belaroth
The King was super old, but the Queen was a fox,
And their son Tomblain was out tickling cocks
They told me "Now you are in our care,
You can sit on your throne as a Prince of Belaroth!"
Note: the last word is pronounced "Bel-Air" to rhyme with "care", with the "oth" added later
Episodes
- Season 1, Ep 33 — "Spurt The Elder"
- Season 1, Ep 73 — "Chunt's Night"
- Season 1, Ep 91 — "Magic Turkey" (w/ Scott Adsit, Live from the Chicago Podcast Festival)
- Season 2, Ep 99 – "The Weapon"