The Vermilion Minotaur

The Vermilion Minotaur is an inn in the town of Hogsface in the land of Foon. It is owned and operated by Otok Barleyfoot. Arnie podcasts there weekly at this very table. Chunt spends much of his time there, having known Otok since he was young.

The inn is located on Stewardspath next to McShingleshane Forest.

History

The tavern is named after the Legend of the Vermilion Minotaur. We only know this small bit of the legend: A countess's baby is trapped in a forest, and it is found by eight vermilion minotaurs, who invite it into their labyrinth. Then the heavens rained down, and the horses came.

The tavern has a long history as a place, with the help of the Barleyfoot and Blemish families, for travelers to leave hidden weapons, and to score some drugs.

Management

Otok Barleyfoot, proprietor/manager.

+ Warning! Spoilers Inside for Season One. Click to reveal

When Otok Barleyfoot departs on a quest for his daughter Activia, he leaves the Vermilion Minotaur under the care of Blemish & Arnie, though the latter ends up taking no interest in tavern business.

+ Warning! Spoilers Inside for Season Two. Click to reveal

The Dark Lord infiltrates the Vermilion Minotaur with an army of Orcs through a portal in the basement and with the cooperation of Blemish. As a reward, Blemish is given full ownership of the Vermilion Minotaur in occupied Hogsface.

Blemish remains in control until Usidore and Arnie accidentally, but not regretfully, kill him.¹ Arnie, Chunt, & Usidore conceal his death for a time (using both hired actors and carfoons) and run the tavern themselves, until the return of long-missing Activia almost a year later. Activia is upset at the poor management of the tavern and the absence of her father, both of which she blames on the trio. She bans them from the Vermilion Minotaur, takes over, and rebrands the tavern as Thank Goddesses its Vermilion Minotaur.²

However, when Arnie, Chunt, & Usidore return with information on the missing Otok's whereabouts, Activia forgives them, and departs to find her father, leaving Arnie Chunt & Usidore again in control of the tavern.³

Along with the rest of Hogsface, the Vermilion Minotaur is destroyed by Usidore to thwart the Dark Lords plan to destroy Earth.

Menu

Food

• Spiced potatoes, which are raw potatoes covered in spices, and come in a bowl.
• Rooster's Feet, a favorite of Usidore's.
• Burnt Lizard Tips
• Fang Pie
• Fried Pubes, made from orangutan pubic hair
• Eggs Benadick, eggs served to you by Ben, who is being a real dick
• Duck's Legs
• Pork Shoulder
• Dried Curds
• Candied Beets
• Goose Feet
• Mozzarella Wands
• Floating Cheese
• Putrid Pickle Sauce

Drinks

• Ale
• Mead, which you can order with some raspberry as Chunt prefers; he calls it "King's Juice"
• Barley Wine, by the gobletful
• Stormy Night
• Mint Liquor
• Rainbow Bowl
• Smoked Tea, which can be ordered in a Fermented Fairy Sweat Bath; this will make you hallucinate if you take too much
• Manischewitz (pronounced "Manichevitz" according to Peter Smith)
• Talinth Wine
• Prophecy Wine
• Sludge
• Goblin Firewater
• Elegant Lady
• Leek Juice (from the Land of Wick)
• Fornication on the Beach

At least one of the steins used at the tavern is the remains of someone who angered Usidore.

Events

There are several regular events at The Vermilion Minotaur:

Chunt's Night

A weekly variety show hosted by Chunt on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thornsday. Chunt's Nights are often added or removed from the tavern's schedule.

• Chunt performs some stand up (his catch phrase is "Chunt's up with that?")
• Blemish performs "Angry Song", often using rumors as inspiration.
• The Smiling Skull will tell positive stories.

Proceeds from Chunt's Night will often go to the repair of the Vermilion Minotaur.

Open Mike Night

Mike is an "inside-outer" who can open himself up. People come to see him on Flensday. Then he does 2-3 minutes of stand-up. He turned inside-out because he violated a magical contract.

Blood Drives

The tavern will often have blood drives, where they get people to give blood for creatures that eat blood. The fall blood drive is hosted by Chunt and is called "The Chunt for Red October".

Goodwill Donations

The tavern hosts a night where people donate goods to goodwill. It is hosted by Chunt and is called "Good Will Chunting". Eternia has helped out there before.

Rumors

Bartenders at the Vermilion Minotaur are known to spread town gossip. The first rumor is free, and is almost always about someone being gay (though none of Foon's residents seem to have any prejudice toward this.) You must purchase a second drink to get a second rumor. Many of Hogsface's rumors are started by Chunt who sometimes guest-bartenders at the tavern. These rumors are not always true.

Structure

• Rooms - there is a second story with rooms available to rent for weary travelers; Arnie moves in to one shortly after arriving in Foon.
• Bathrooms - Contrary to Arnie's initial assumption, the Vermilion Minotaur has bathrooms. The men's bathroom is marked by the common symbol of a horse stabbing a duck, and the women's bathroom is a symbol of a woman with a skirt.
• Patio - a back patio can be used for outdoor seating and events.
• Basement - a basement is used as a store-room.

Enchantments

Thanks to a spell cast by Can the Yellow, the tavern is normally inaccessible to goblins. However, Otok has arranged to have the spell lifted every Sunday to provide a goblin-friendly day.

The Tavern has also been magically enchanted to not catch fire.⁴

Secret Treasures

+ Warning! Spoilers Inside for Season Two. Click to reveal

As an adventurers' way-station the Vermilion Minotaur was used by many adventurers to hide treasures they had retrieved on their quests. When the Dark Lord entered a truce with Arnie, Chunt, & Usidore a condition was that they find a weapon in tavern which he believed might be able to destroy the Void. Items they found in their search include:

• the Blade of Veysco Hallan, hidden behind a portrait of Darby Barleyfoot⁵
• a magic wand behind the hanging head of the elk, and a rainbow sword⁶
• a magical sword named Greg - destroyed when Arnie's Toyota Camry smashed through the wall of the Vermilion Minotaur.⁷
• a staff, a scythe, a broadsword, under the floor and a weird axe behind a painting⁸
• an angel's heart, a bow & arrow, an amulet that increases your height by one foot, a not-weird axe, a puzzle that once solved produces a caramel egg, two magical swords, a magical wand, armor that protects from fire, amulet of cold resistance, a bag of never-ending food, boots of increased speed, a circlet of increased dexterity, a potion of Drew resurrection, an invisibility cloak
• the Eyes Of Sliddindors
• the Knife of Etoillis revealed by the "Verterrilax Wakes" riddle⁹
• Liquid Javelin from Migas in the year 70
• Ligma Balls - pop one in your mouth to prevent damage from a major magic attack
• a Cursed Ballistic Bracers - tightly bind to your arms and will rip off your arms if you utter the code phrase
• a Core Apple - anyone who easts or bites into it will be magically bound to it, so that then you discard it you will be magically transported to wherever you tossed it
• a Buttfor - just hold it to keep regular
• a Frozen Rose - from Gartax region (a small province near Gratax) people there used to cool themselves
• a possible Voltron Set - which when assembled make an un-defeatable warrior (except they're missing a piece, in the shape of a weird axe)¹⁰
• the Penelope, the weapon the Dark Lord was seeking, found by following a secret passage in the basement to an underground river and solving the Orange Beast Riddle.¹¹

Notes

• Arnie mentions that the Vermilion Minotaur is reminiscent of Ohio University bars Union and the Smiling Skull.
• Mundle the Grundle leads a band that plays the theme song for the podcast.
• The tavern was built into the base of a tree. Some of the interior walls are covered in moss and vines.
• A stag's head has hung from the wall for centuries.
• The tavern is so rundown that the sign on front has lost some letters and now reads MILION MINO.¹²

Footnotes

1. Season 2, Ep 18 – "The Basement"

2. Season 2, Ep 59 – "Activia"

3. Season 2, Ep 76 – "Activia's Quest"

4. Season 2, Ep 45 – "Night of the Oversharing Dead"

5. Season 2, Ep 30 — "Chunt For Red October 3: The Sum Of All Rears"

6. Season 2, Ep 39 – "nymbee and Grundle" (w/ Paul and Storm)

7. Season 2, Ep 45 – "Night of the Oversharing Dead"

8. Season 2, Ep 51 – "Squibbert"

9. Season 2, Ep 69 – "Tavern Heist"

10. Season 2, Ep 84 — "Traach and Treasure"

11. Season 2, Ep 98 — "Chunt‘s Wedding"

12. Season 2, Ep 33 — "Necromancer Performance Review"