Usidore the Blue
Usidore the Blue
Hello from the Magic Tavern character
Usidore the Blue
First appearance "Hello from the Magic Tavern"
Played by Matt Young
Name Usidore the Blue
Species Wizard
Occupation Wizard
Affiliation Good

Usidore the Blue is a wizard and co-host on Arnie's podcast. He introduces himself using his full name:

Usidore, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephysiyies, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Terr'akkas. The elves know me as Fi’ang Yalok. The dwarfs know me as Zoenen Hoogstandjes. And I am also known in the Northeast as Gaismunēnas Meistar.

He has a homepage at

There is another Usidore the Blue (aka Usidore the Casual, aka Twosidore) who is more casual than Usidore.

Usidore is played by Matt Young.


Saying his name will give Usidore power, which is why he says his name so often.

Zoenen Hoogstandjes in Dwarvish means "scraper of the bottom of the river".

Secret Names

Many of his secret names supposedly have great power. Usidore has made many warnings about the consequences of knowing his more powerful names. He claims that once while travelling with Grimhoof, he gave a young man one of those names, and the young man's heart exploded and turned into a ball of spikes that impaled everyone around him. Another name could fry your eyeballs, cause you to catch aflame from the inside toward the outside, and as flames shot forward, you would scream "why did I say that powerful name?".

Some of his secret names were written down and held in a safe at the table they podcast from that Arnie and Chunt have keys to. But Blemish poured one out for his homies over the table and likely ruined them.1

Chunt listed some additional names at Chunt's Night:

  • Toby LeRone
  • Wheeeee
  • Heathcliff
  • Taft Backwater
  • Sleepy LaBeef
  • Pleasure Herrera


Location Secret Name
Down at the bottom of the sea Floatus (“He Who Floats Among Us”)2
Down Under Funkaroo3
Fingaria Crip Cramble4
Gratax Usidore the Blue
Great Halls of Terr'akkas Slippery5
Hudson Valley Rip Van Magic Pants6
If By Land Oneif7
If By Sea Twoif8
Italiana Pasta Cortez9
Northeast Foon Gaismunēnas Meistar10
Southern Foon Robert Evans11
Velsmeer Smanko12
Western Foon Solomander Pondu13


Occupation Secret Name
Bakers Biscuit Meniscus14
Gamblers of Chorroth Johann Sebastian Bacharach15
FML Announcer Aaron Grievance16
Real Estate Agents Rackloom17
Wedding Planners Dale Sprinklesleeves


Social Group Secret Name
Bears Grizzly Wondertooth18
Brownies Captain Happenstance19
Brownies in Gratax Pants McGillicuddy20
Couches Charlie21
Cows Hot Patootie22
Ducks Swivel Swightly23
Eagles Loosey Usi24
Goblins Hel'llacan'th'ethnth25
Grandpas Little Chili Foot26
Kobold Mr. Miyagi27
Mimics Ominous McIntyre28
Minotaurs Minnow Mannucci29
Pixies Frank Black, or sometimes Black Francis30
Poultry Stinklefeather Wizzlebeard31
Seagulls Corey Oarman32
Squirrels Acorn Nutbringer33
Squirrel People of Dagadoom Mr. Ferris34
The Trash Kan Kids Pappy Nonsense35
Those on crutches Teeny Tim36
Unicorns That Guy37
Undeterminate Taurs Dorfski38
Vampires Antony Dawnwalker39
Whales of Califor OoooooooOOOOOOOoooosidore40
Wolves Rooooorrrroooooooooooooooooooo! the Blue41


Effect Secret Name
Destroys everything in whatever town he’s in Dubbel Rumpelskin42
Summons a meteor from the heavens that will (eventually) land on your head, tickle your stomach into contentment, and crush you sometime within the next millennium Illandarium43

Usidore doesn't have a good relationship with the Centaurs; they have not even given him a name44.

Other Secret Names

  • One of his delicate, crumbly names is Pi Pi Poo45
  • Baggle Me Fingles46 (or Baggle Me Fingies)
  • Papa Mâché47
  • Brach Zaff48
  • Tippecanoe49
  • Tyler50
  • Jamillious Washington the Mauve knows him as Phil Jacksonious51
  • He is known as Susan Doku when he transforms into a woman and teaches math at the University of Phoenix52
  • He is known to the blades of grass as Johnny Downstream
  • "The Grassy One" - it makes grass jump out of the ground and run away53
  • Mister Yuagi54
  • Soda Poppin' Daddy - A name so secret only Arnold knows it55
  • Leverly B'Angelo - one of the names Chunt came up with56
  • Cyanmancer Thundercrust57
  • Usidore the Blue Apron (during an ad read)58
  • Disco Patterson59
  • Zoltar Biggius60
  • Azure Sack61
  • Flusterbutt62

Usidore also checks out books from the Great Halls of Terr'akkas under the name Hank, but this is meant to be a pseudonym.

Kid Usidore heard one of Usidore's other names was Lance Pantless, but Usidore said it wasn't as he rejected it.63


According to Arnie, Usidore looks like a "classic wizard". He also has dimples.

As a blue wizard, he wears blue robes. Often his clothing, hat and upper body are described as 'covered in bird excrement'. He carries an eyepatch around with him just in case. Usidore keeps a bottle on his belt, but it's usually empty.

He either has a very good body or uses a Glamour spell to appear so.

Like all wizards, he has two buttholes.

Usidore rents out his hat for $2300 a month. Many famous mice have lived there. Ghosts currently living in his hat include ghosts of the murdered, the Ghost of Chris-Must Past, a Hunger Ghost (but not Chunt's father), and a ghost of a ghost hunter.

Birth & Early Life

Usidore came into the world fully formed in an adult body roughly three centuries ago, though some aspect of him existed previously as an "angelic being" in the Realms of Ephysiyies. Early in the podcast he states he's older than 260 but younger than the Ashit Bridge (430 years). He gives his exact age as 310 in Season 2, Ep 95 – "Woodland Creatures", though he himself has subjectively experienced 360 years of life since he also spent 50 years living the life of a simple blacksmith in a pocket dimension.

He was born of wind, fire, earth, and birds (and lightning and some frogs) to save Foon from the Dark Lord. He coalesced in the woods outside the village of Milkenit, and was compelled to immediately find a staff.64 Once he had one, he spent three years wandering the wilds naked, learning of nature and trying to speak though he knew no languages65.

After many years a representative of the Great Halls of Terr'akkas sought him out to inform him of the Halls existence and invite him to hone his skills with other wizards there.66



One of the only creatures that consistently enjoy Usidore's company are the eagles. They only help him at the end of his quests, however, and it usually involves carrying him away to safety. They particularly enjoy helping Usidore, however, as he will whisper very kind things to them as he is rescued. He met them first after drunkenly falling town the slope his house is on, and whispering to a worm, who told a moth, who eventually told the eagles to come help him. (Coincidentally, the worm was Chunt.) Since then, he has been rescued countless times, including saving him from the Endless Tower, and most recently, preventing him from falling into a volcano.

Other Wizards

  • Jyn'Leeviyah the Red - Usidore has been smitten with the red wizard since encountering her while training at the Great Halls of Terr'akkas. While there her attentions were directed elsewhere, but in the centuries since they’ve started a wizardly courtship that involves many tricks and pranks. Her nature precludes an exclusive relationship with Usidore, but he does hope one day to marry his wizard school crush in a volcanic wedding.
  • Spintax the Green - Usidore has a rivalry with this highly regarded wizard, sometimes friendly, sometimes not. The two were once roommates at the Great Halls of Terr'akkas.
  • Telephys the White - Usidore defeated Telephys the White to become a champion of Terr'akkas by binding him, turning him upside-down, and shaking him. He once rescued Telephys from being flayed by The Dark Lord and put on a spike, nearly killing him.
  • Can the Yellow - Usidore has described himself as being good friends with Can, and the two have adventured together. However, when Can appears on the podcast, Usidore has been less than enthusiastic about his fellow wizard, who appears to try his patience. Can once sent an assassin after Usidore failed to give him a wedding present; Usidore was unaware that Can was even married.
  • Jamillious the Mauve - Usidore offered himself as a mentor to Jamillious when the younger wizard first appeared on Foon, and the two remain good friends.


The nymphs in McShingleshane Forest have a restraining order against him.


When he dies, he will return to the Planes of Ephysiyies as being similar to a spirit or demigod. After that he will probably come back again when he is needed.

Forty years ago, Usidore pretended to be dead, but said something before his head was cut off.

At one point Usidore had turned into a vampire and "died" when the monster hunter Simon Lemmington Bartholomew absorbed his soul into his amulet, the Stone of Azrael. But Usidore was only dead for a moment, as the vampiric elements were pulled from his body, freeing him from the curse. His essence was able to coalesce, escape, and awake in his bed at a direct 90° angle. He then returned as Usidore the Slightly Lighter Blue after washing his robe.

Quest to Defeat the Dark Lord

Usidore is obsessed with the quest to stop the Dark Lord. He spends a lot of time trying to gather anyone and everyone to join him on this quest, but has not been very successful. Currently his assets include:

Arnie and Chunt, finally joined after realizing how dire the situation is, but seemed to have reneged on this. Later, after Usidore's return from the dead, they officially joined his quest.

Usidore also believes that because of a vague prophecy about a warrior from another world, Arnie is somehow fated to help him defeat the Dark Lord.


As a blue wizard, his is magic is created by the interplay between light and shadow. For example, sometimes that means his magical delights are created from the souls of the murdered. Usidore can truly manipulate "light and shadow", making what Arnie describes as similar to a "Pink Floyd laser light show". He can also devours chaos, in the usual manner.

As a wizard, Usidore has the innate ability to enter the "wizard state" where he mumbles nonsense quietly to himself. It is unclear what the purpose or effect of the wizard state is. He also appears to sometimes enter what Chunt has termed the "pouty state".


When Usidore is extremely scared, he can turn into a broomstick — bristles not included.67 The broomstick can even be chopped up into many Usidores that will speak in unison and turn back into one person as they sleep.

Usidore has also displayed the following abilities:

  • He can conjure images with some goat’s blood
  • He conjured a horse and a bull, but they were very, very small.
  • Attempted to conjure a metal horse with three buttholes, but made a butthole with three horses instead
  • When he tried to create a wall of fire, he only managed to light four candles.
  • Has some mastery of basic spells such as Illuminate (cast as "GELIEV LICHTN KAMER!") and Darken
  • Can make magical images when smoking pipe weed
  • Can cast "miniscule lightning", which powers Arnie's laptop
  • Can speak insect speak
  • Is friends with and can summon the Great Animal Lords of Foon, including the eagles and Grimhoof, the fifth fastest horse in the realm
  • Can make food sentient, as he did with Gorgeous
  • Flew around the Vermilion Minotaur
  • Like all wizards, cannot be harmed by stabbing
  • When he awakes from sleep, he immediately bolts 90 degrees upright
  • Can cast a brief deep sleep spell that does not work on Goblins68
  • Wipes his butt in a figure eight pattern with corncobs
  • Claims he remembers anything he eats, e.g. a written riddle or poem, but Chunt thinks he's just reading off crib notes
  • Fought (but forgot to kill) the Dark Dragon of Selfor69
  • Performed a body-swap between Blemish and 52 Sentient Sacks of Flour
  • Performed what may have been a "wet spell" (the opposite of a dry spell) on Chunt
  • Caused robins as a species to spontaneously exist in Foon, with the help of Spintax
  • Like Jyn'Leeviyah the Red, he has enchanted food to look and act like him for the purpose of tricking her. They apparently do this back and forth to each other regularly
  • Can enter the astral plane, where he sometimes has dates with Jyn'Leeviyah
  • Can shrink himself down small enough to fit into his own hat
  • Can fly
  • Once created a pocket dimension and lived in it for 50 years as a smithy70
  • Can either go back or send someone back in time (as he has before while The Dark Lord was still young, and also so Chunt could go back and add wordplay to all previous episodes of the podcast), but it comes at the terrible price of killing an entire herd of elephants each time.71
  • Cans transform himself into other forms, including a child, a parrot, a lady, and a skunk.


Usidore obtained his wand by tearing off a branch of a tree, using incantations to imbue it with magical powers, then taking it to the local magistrate and waiting three days.

He usually carries his trusty staff and sword with him. His staff is made from birch, with a hexatite crystal at the top. Usidore also owns a ton of staves.

Usidore has several overdue books from the Great Halls of Terr'akkas. These include:

  • Makin' It Rain and 49 Other Weather-Based Spells You Can Do At home
  • Incantations from Alakazam to Zoobeleezoo
  • You Can't Change it Back, Think Before You Spell
  • Leaky Wands and Other Telltale Signs of WD (Wizard Dysfunction)
  • So You're a Depressed Wizard
  • Spintax the Unauthorized Biography
  • Handmaidens of Blurf
  • Handmaidens of Blurf: Felicia's Erotic Journey
  • Handmaidens of Blurf: The Dragon Cock Chronicles
  • Eat, Prey, Love


Usidore will often give people rocks and claim that they have magical powers. Arnie is very skeptical about the efficacy of these rocks, but at least one rock has actually worked. The rocks Usidore has given includes:

  • A magic rock secreted onto a Soul Walker which would "eventually defeat him"
  • Wishing rock, given to Pinglet
  • Resonance stone, given to Otok Barleyfoot
  • A crocodile rock, given to Chunt while in a crocodile form


You can communicate with Usidore by:

  • Write him a message on a piece of parchment and attach it to a raven
  • Speaking his name into a mirror three times (however, he doesn't always check his mirror)
  • Pricking your finger with a rose and dropping the blood into a still pool of water
  • Whispering into an acorn, burying it into the ground, and weeping into the ground where it is buried
  • Writing in goat's blood upon parchment and setting the letter aflame
  • Find an eel, devour it live, then dream of Usidore. In the dream, the eel will leave your body and its astral projection will travel to Usidore
  • Peering into the very dark depths of your partner's eyes and wishing as hard as you can
  • Digging a grave and burying yourself in this grave and speaking the words of the Pandenomicon backwards and thinking about how much you hate Spintax
  • Speak to a raven, tell it your deepest, darkest secret, kill the raven, take out its heart, bury it deep beneath the earth, build a house over where you buried the heart, live in that house for thirty years, and then burn the house to the ground; the smoke of that flame will reach Usidore
  • Sleeping through the night, waking in the morning, writing a letter down, and sending it through the emails that Chunt and Arnie already read72
  • Fast for 6 days, then throw yourself under a canvas sheet. In there, burn incense and create steam upon rocks until you sweat and hallucinate, then pull the canvas sheet off of you. Stare at the clouds, and when you see a cloud that looks like Usidore, speak your secret wishes
  • Cut your own finger by pricking it with a rose bush's thorn, dip that blood over the paper on which you have written your name and your deepest desire. Set that paper aflame, and Usidore will hear your wish
  • Twotting him on Twitter

Music and Literature

The Elves have a school yard rhyme about Fi'ang Yalok:

When you walk the forest dear friends
be wary of Fi'ang Yalok.
His manner is bold, off-putting at best,
and his sense of humour phallic.
If he invites you to go on a quest,
the ending will surely be tragic.
Deny his request, whatever you do.
That asshole barely knows magic.

Mirror Realms

There are various mirror realms that are different variations of the characters we know on Foon. The different versions of Usidore include:

  • A cowboy world version where he is a cowboy named Ulysses D. L’Amour, with his talking horse Champ.
  • A family friendly dimension version where he is a friendly wizard named Usidore the Blue (full name: Usidore the Blue Wizard).


  • Loves birds, and loves them so much he even eats them. He will even swallow an egg whole.
  • Lives on top of a hill. The hill is named "Slippery Slope"
  • Usidore’s house is filled will “cool old weird stuff,” like grimoires, tomes, rocks, geodes.
  • He has a pool of beans outside his house.
  • Can conjure cats, and has kept a number of them as pets including: Azeezel that came and went as she pleased and hated The Smorps as much as Usidore does; Crantantix, a lie cat; and Sunshine
  • He sells morglorb, but makes sure to give people who purchase it a stern lecture about how dangerously addictive it is
  • Glenn Miller accused Usidore of cutting his morglorb with Miracle Whip instead of mayonnaise
  • Very quickly made it through one loop of the Endless Tower while chasing the maiden Seemliyah
  • Turned his friend Harrison into a bookcase, then checked a book out to learn how to turn him back, and when he couldn't, just turned the book into Harrison
  • Is a chef at Chu Chu's Chow
  • Is an avid Offices & Bosses player, and often played the game while in Terr'akkas to escape the drudgery of magic. His role-playing character is John Bastion, a marketing manager.
  • Has listened to the first season of Serial and believes that Adnan is innocent.
  • Hates dandelions the most out of all flowers.
  • His favorite drinks are a stout and sturdy mead, a delicious and hoppy ale, and a rainbow bowl.
  • Has a small crack his soul thanks to speaking the Dark Lord's name aloud.
  • Does not like Orcs or starlings.
  • When Usidore pees, he pees in all the colors of the rainbow, and each stream splits away and returns to a part of the universe.
  • Apparently "Fi’ang Yalok" is not an uncommon name in Foon; the Memory Gremlin shares this name.
  • Is often riding Choad, a wide horse he obtained from Rocky Cocodino the Used Horse Salesman. Usidore shouts "Come, Choad!" when mounting him.
  • Has a flip top cap on his penis that makes a snapping sound, but Chunt thinks he may just be uncircumcised.
  • Usidore’s hat has 17 bedrooms, 4 full baths, a spiral staircase, a grand piano, marble flooring, marble ceiling, and marble balls. 14 walk-in closets, and 7 live-in closets. Only 1 death has taken place in his hat.
  • Has to drink salt water at least once a week to keep the fish in his intestines alive.73
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