Usidore, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephysiyies, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Terr'akkas. The elves know me as Fi’ang Yalok. The dwarves know me as Zoenen Hoogstandjes. And I am also known in the Northeast as Gaismunēnas Meistar.
Zoenen Hoogstandjes in Dwarvish means "scraper of the bottom of the river".
He has many other secret names which you do not know, including:
- He is known in Gratax as Usidore the Blue
- He is also known in the Northwest as Gaismunēnas Meistar1
- He is known in the Great Halls of Terr'akkas as Slippery2 because of his profuse sweating
- He is known by the wedding planners as Dale Sprinklesleeves
- He is known by the eagles as Loosey Usi3
- The Gamblers of Chorroth know him as Johann Sebastian Bacharach4
- He checks out books from the Great Halls of Terr'akkas under the name Hank, but this is meant to be a pseudonym
- He is known by the vampires as Antony Dawnwalker5
- He is known by the bakers as Biscuit Meniscus6
- He is known in the South as Robert Evans7
- One of his delicate, crumbly names is Pi Pi Poo8
- Baggle Me Fingles9 (or Baggle Me Fingies)
- Papa Mâché
- He is known by the pixies as Frank Black, or sometimes Black Francis10
- Brach Zaff11
- Jamillious Washington the Mauve knows him as Phil Jacksonious12
- He is known as Susan Doku when he transforms into a woman and teaches math at the University of Phoenix13
- He is known to the Goblins as Hel'llacan'th'ethnth14
- Chunt listed some additional names at Chunt's Night:
- Toby LeRone
- Taft Backwater
- Sleepy LaBeef
- Pleasure Herrera
- He is known to the Wolves as Rooooorrrroooooooooooooooooooo! the Blue15
- He doesn't have a good relationship with the Centaurs; they have not even given him a name16
- He is known to the Real Estate Agents as Rackloom17
- He is known to the blades of grass as Johnny Downstream
- He is known to poultry as Stinklefeather Wizzlebeard18
- He is known to the cows as Hot Patootie19
- Those on crutches know him as Teeny Tim20
- "The Grassy One" - it makes grass jump out of the ground and run away21
- Mister Yuagi22
- Soda Poppin' Daddy - A name so secret only Arnold knows it23
- Leverly B'Angelo - one of the names Chunt came up with24
Many of his secret names supposedly have great power. Usidore has made many warnings about the consequences of knowing his more powerful names:
- He claims that once while travelling with Grimhoof, he gave a young man one of those names, and the young man's heart exploded and turned into a ball of spikes that impaled everyone around him.
- It could fry your eyeballs, cause you to catch aflame from the inside toward the outside, and as flames shot forward, you would scream "why did I say that powerful name"
Saying his name will give Usidore power, which is why he says his name so often.
At one point Usidore had turned into a vampire and "died" when the monster hunter Simon Lemmington Bartholomew absorbed his soul into his amulet, the Stone of Azrael. But Usidore was only dead for a moment, as the vampiric elements were pulled from his body, freeing him from the curse. His essence was able to coalesce, escape, and awake in his bed at a direct 90° angle. He then returned as Usidore the Slightly Lighter Blue after washing his robe.
He has a homepage at usidorerocks.com.
Usidore is played by Matt Young.
Family and Personal Life
He hopes to marry his wizard school crush, Jyn'Leeviyah, someday in a volcanic wedding. He thought he had her encased inside a crystal coffin, but it turned out to be just a plate of croissants that he had assumed was Jyn'Leeviyah taking on that form to confound him.
When he dies, he will return to the Planes of Ephysiyies as being similar to a spirit or demigod. After that he will probably come back again when he is needed.
Usidore is obsessed with the quest to stop the Dark Lord. He spends a lot of time trying to gather anyone and everyone to join him on this quest, but has not been very successful. Currently his assets include:
- Pimbly Nimblebottom the Imp
- A favor from the namer Merlinda Flimpery if he ever comes across a bridge.
- Tom the Traveller
- Spintax The Green who is on a mission to defeat The Void that the Dark Lord is wielding as a weapon
- Sheriff Gianessa Relkorus
- Make-Up Artist Germ Crust
- The Bandit King
Usidore also believes that because of a vague prophecy about a warrior from another world, Arnie is somehow fated to help him defeat the Dark Lord.
One of the only creatures that consistently enjoy Usidore's company are the eagles. They only help him at the end of his quests, however, and it usually involves carrying him away to safety. They particularly enjoy helping Usidore, however, as he will whisper very kind things to them as he is rescued. He met them first after drunkenly falling town the slope his house is on, and whispering to a worm, who told a moth, who eventually told the eagles to come help him. (Coincidentally, the worm was Chunt.) Since then, he has been rescued countless times, including saving him from the Endless Tower, and most recently, preventing him from falling into a volcano.
Usidore's magic tends to be underwhelming, but he does seem to have some abilities. As a blue wizard, his is magic is created by the interplay between light and shadow. For example, sometimes that means his magical delights are created from the souls of the murdered.
Usidore has displayed the following abilities:
- He can conjure images with some goat’s blood
- He conjured a horse and a bull, but they were very, very small.
- Attempted to conjure a metal horse with three buttholes, but made a butthole with three horses instead
- When he tried to create a wall of fire, he only managed to light four candles.
- Has some mastery of basic spells such as Illuminate (cast as "GELIEV LICHTN KAMER!") and Darken
- Can truly manipulate "light and shadow", such as making what Arnie says is similar to a "Pink Floyd laser light show"
- Can make magical images when smoking pipe weed
- Can cast "miniscule lightning", which powers Arnie's laptop
- Can speak insect speak
- Is friends with and can summon the Great Animal Lords of Foon, including the eagles and Grimhoof, the 5th fastest horse in the realm
- Can make food sentient, as he did with Gorgeous
- Flew around the Vermilion Minotaur
- Like all wizards, cannot be harmed by stabbing
- When he awakes from sleep, he immediately bolts 90 degrees upright
- His brief deep sleep spell does not work on Goblins25
Usidore will often give people rocks and claim that they have magical powers. Arnie is very skeptical about the efficacy of these rocks, but at least one rock has actually worked. The rocks Usidore has given includes:
- A magic rock secreted onto a Soul Walker which would "eventually defeat him"
- Wishing rock, given to Pinglet
- Resonance stone, given to Otok Barleyfoot
- A crocodile rock, given to Chunt while in a crocodile form
You can communicate with Usidore by:
- Write him a message on a piece of parchment and attach it to a raven
- Speaking his name into a mirror three times (however, he doesn't always check his mirror)
- Pricking your finger with a rose and dropping the blood into a still pool of water
- Whispering into an acorn, burying it into the ground, and weeping into the ground where it is buried
- Writing in goat's blood upon parchment and setting the letter aflame
- Find an eel, devour it live, then dream of Usidore. In the dream, the eel will leave your body and its astral projection will travel to Usidore
- Peering into the very dark depths of your partner's eyes and wishing as hard as you can
- Digging a grave and burying yourself in this grave and speaking the words of the Pandenomicon backwards and thinking about how much you hate Spintax
- Speak to a raven, tell it your deepest, darkest secret, kill the raven, take out its heart, bury it deep beneath the earth, build a house over where you buried the heart, live in that house for thirty years, and then burn the house to the ground; the smoke of that flame will reach Usidore
- Sleeping through the night, waking in the morning, writing a letter down, and sending it through the emails that Chunt and Arnie already read26
- Fast for 6 days, then throw yourself under a canvas sheet. In there, burn incense and create steam upon rocks until you sweat and hallucinate, then pull the canvas sheet off of you. Stare at the clouds, and when you see a cloud that looks like Usidore, speak your secret wishes
- Cut your own finger by pricking it with a rose bush's thorn, dip that blood over the paper on which you have written your name and your deepest desire. Set that paper aflame, and Usidore will hear your wish
- Twotting him on Twitter
Music and Literature
The Elves have a school yard rhyme about Fi'ang Yalok:
When you walk the forest dear friends
be weary of Fi'ang Yalok.
His manor is bold, off-putting at best,
and his sense of humour phallic.
If he invites you to go on a quest,
the ending will surely be tragic.
Deny his request, whatever you do.
That asshole barely knows magic.
- Usidore has an innate ability to enter a “wizard state” where he mumbles nonsense quietly to himself. It is unclear what the purpose or effect of the wizard state is.
- He also appears to sometimes enter what Chunt has termed the "pouty state".
- Good friends with Can the Wizard
- Has a rivalry with wizard Spintax the Green.
- Usually carries his trusty staff and sword with him.
- Lives on top of a hill. The hill is named "Slippery Slope"
- Has a pet cat.
- Hates The Smorps.
- According to Arnie, he looks like a "classic wizard". He also has dimples.
- Often his clothing, hat and upper body are described as 'covered in bird excrement'
- Defeated Telephys The White to become a champion of Terr'akkas by binding him, turning him upside-down, and shaking him
- Has two buttholes (like all wizards.)
- 40 years ago, Usidore pretended to be dead, but said something before his head was cut off
- Had the nickname "Slippery" in the Great Halls of Terr'akkas because he was very sweaty all the time.
- He sells morglorb, but makes sure to give people who purchase it a stern lecture about how dangerously addictive it is
- Glenn Miller accused Usidore of cutting his morglorb with Miracle Whip instead of mayonnaise
- Carries an eyepatch around with him just in case
- Very quickly made it through one loop of the Endless Tower while chasing the maiden Seemliyah
- Either has a very good body or uses a Glamour spell to appear so
- Owns a ton of staves
- Turns into a broomstick if he's really scared, and can even be chopped up into many Usidores that will speak in unison and turn back into one person as they sleep
- Has several overdue books from the Great Halls of Terr'akkas. These include:
- Makin' It Rain and 49 Other Weather-Based Spells You Can Do At home
- Incantations from Alakazam to Zoobeleezoo
- You Can't Change it Back, Think Before You Spell
- Leaky Wands and Other Telltale Signs of WD (Wizard Dysfunction)
- So You're a Depressed Wizard
- Spintax the Unauthorized Biography
- Handmaidens of Blurf
- Handmaidens of Blurf: Felicia's Erotic Journey
- Handmaidens of Blurf: The Dragon Cock Chronicles
- Eat, Prey, Love
- Turned his friend Harrison into a bookcase, then checked a book out to learn how to turn him back, and when he couldn't, just turned the book into Harrison
- Is a chef at Chu Chu's Chow
- Keeps a bottle on his belt, but it's usually empty
- The nymphs in McShingleshane Forest have a restraining order against him
- His staff is made from birch, with a hexatite crystal at the top
- Is quite old: he's older than 260 but younger than the Ashit Bridge (430 years); he claims to have been created "around" three centuries ago.
- Is an avid Offices & Bosses player, and often played the game while in Terr'akkas to escape the drudgery of magic. His role-playing character is John Bastion, a marketing manager.
- Has listened to the first season of Serial and believes that Adnan is innocent.
- Hates dandelions the most out of all flowers.
- His favorite drinks are a stout and sturdy mead, a delicious and hoppy ale, and a rainbow bowl.
- Has a small crack his soul thanks to speaking the Dark Lord's name aloud.
- Does not like Orcs or starlings.
- Apparently "Fi’ang Yalok" is not an uncommon name in Foon; the Memory Gremlin shares this name.