Usidore the Blue
Usidore the Blue
Hello from the Magic Tavern character
Usidore the Blue
First appearance: "Hello from the Magic Tavern"
Portrayed by: Matt Young
Information
Name: Usidore the Blue
Species: Wizard
Occupation: Wizard
Affiliation: Good

Usidore the Blue is a wizard and regular guest on Arnie's podcast. He introduces himself using his full name:

Usidore, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephysiyies, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Terr'akkas. The elves know me as Fi’ang Yalok. The dwarfs know me as Zoenen Hoogstandjes. And I am also known in the Northeast as Gaismunēnas Meistar.

He has a homepage at usidorerocks.com.

There is another Usidore the Blue (aka Usidore the Casual, aka Twosidore) who is more casual than Usidore.

Usidore is played by Matt Young.

Name

Saying his name will give Usidore power, which is why he says his name so often.

Zoenen Hoogstandjes in Dwarvish means "scraper of the bottom of the river".

Secret Names

Many of his secret names supposedly have great power. Usidore has made many warnings about the consequences of knowing his more powerful names. He claims that once while travelling with Grimhoof, he gave a young man one of those names, and the young man's heart exploded and turned into a ball of spikes that impaled everyone around him. Another name could fry your eyeballs, cause you to catch aflame from the inside toward the outside, and as flames shot forward, you would scream "why did I say that powerful name?".

Some of his secret names were written down and held in a safe at the table they podcast from that Arnie and Chunt have keys to. But Blemish poured one out for his homies over the table and likely ruined them.1

Chunt listed some additional names at Chunt's Night:

  • Toby LeRone
  • Wheeeee
  • Heathcliff
  • Taft Backwater
  • Sleepy LaBeef
  • Pleasure Herrera

Geographic

Location Secret Name
Gratax Usidore the Blue
Northwest Foon Gaismunēnas Meistar2
Southern Foon Robert Evans3
Western Foon Solomander Pondu4
Hudson Valley Rip Van Magic Pants5
Fingaria Crip Cramble6
Down Under Funkaroo7
Italiana Pasta Cortez8
Great Halls of Terr'akkas Slippery9

Occupational

Occupation Secret Name
Wedding Planners Dale Sprinklesleeves
Gamblers of Chorroth Johann Sebastian Bacharach10
Bakers Biscuit Meniscus11
Real Estate Agents Rackloom12

Demographic

Social Group Secret Name
Eagles Loosey Usi13
Vampires Antony Dawnwalker14
Pixies Frank Black, or sometimes Black Francis15
Goblins Hel'llacan'th'ethnth16
Wolves Rooooorrrroooooooooooooooooooo! the Blue17
Poultry Stinklefeather Wizzlebeard18
Cows Hot Patootie19
Those on crutches Teeny Tim20
Undeterminate Taurs Dorfski
Whales of Califor OoooooooOOOOOOOoooosidore
Brownies Captain Happenstance21
Mimics Ominous McIntyre22
Brownies in Gratax Pants McGillicuddy23
Bears Grizzly Wondertooth24
Ducks Swivel Swightly25
The Trash Kan Kids Pappy Nonsense26

Usidore doesn't have a good relationship with the Centaurs; they have not even given him a name27.

Other Secret Names

  • One of his delicate, crumbly names is Pi Pi Poo28
  • Baggle Me Fingles29 (or Baggle Me Fingies)
  • Papa Mâché
  • Brach Zaff30
  • Jamillious Washington the Mauve knows him as Phil Jacksonious31
  • He is known as Susan Doku when he transforms into a woman and teaches math at the University of Phoenix32
  • He is known to the blades of grass as Johnny Downstream
  • "The Grassy One" - it makes grass jump out of the ground and run away33
  • Mister Yuagi34
  • Soda Poppin' Daddy - A name so secret only Arnold knows it35
  • Leverly B'Angelo - one of the names Chunt came up with36
  • Cyanmancer Thundercrust37
  • Usidore the Blue Apron (during an ad read)38
  • Disco Paterson39

Usidore also checks out books from the Great Halls of Terr'akkas under the name Hank, but this is meant to be a pseudonym.

Kid Usidore heard one of Usidore's other names was Lance Pantless, but Usidore said it wasn't as he rejected it.40

Appearance

According to Arnie, Usidore looks like a "classic wizard". He also has dimples.

As a blue wizard, he wears blue robes. Often his clothing, hat and upper body are described as 'covered in bird excrement'. He carries an eyepatch around with him just in case. Usidore keeps a bottle on his belt, but it's usually empty.

He either has a very good body or uses a Glamour spell to appear so.

Like all wizards, he has two buttholes.

Usidore rents out his hat for $2300 a month. Many famous mice have lived there. Ghosts currently living in his hat include ghosts of the murdered, the Ghost of Chris-Must Past, a Hunger Ghost (but not Chunt's father), and a ghost of a ghost hunter.

Relationships

Family

Usidore came into the world fully formed as an adult. He was born of wind, fire, earth, and birds (and lightning and some frogs) to save Foon from the Dark Lord "around" three centuries ago: he's older than 260 but younger than the Ashit Bridge (430 years).

Eagles

One of the only creatures that consistently enjoy Usidore's company are the eagles. They only help him at the end of his quests, however, and it usually involves carrying him away to safety. They particularly enjoy helping Usidore, however, as he will whisper very kind things to them as he is rescued. He met them first after drunkenly falling town the slope his house is on, and whispering to a worm, who told a moth, who eventually told the eagles to come help him. (Coincidentally, the worm was Chunt.) Since then, he has been rescued countless times, including saving him from the Endless Tower, and most recently, preventing him from falling into a volcano.

Jyn'Leeviyah the Red

He hopes to marry his wizard school crush, Jyn'Leeviyah, someday in a volcanic wedding. He thought he had her encased inside a crystal coffin, but it turned out to be just a plate of croissants that he had assumed was Jyn'Leeviyah taking on that form to confound him.

Spintax the Green

Usidore has a rivalry with fellow wizard Spintax the Green. The two were once roommates at the Great Halls of Terr'akkas.

Telephys the White

Usidore defeated Telephys the White to become a champion of Terr'akkas by binding him, turning him upside-down, and shaking him.

He once rescued Telephys from being flayed by The Dark Lord and put on a spike, nearly killing him.

Can the Yellow

Usidore once described himself as being good friends with Can the Wizard. However, since Can first appeared on the podcast, Usidore has been less than enthusiastic about his fellow wizard.

Can once sent an assassin after Usidore failed to give him a wedding present; Usidore was unaware that Can was even married.

Nymphs

The nymphs in McShingleshane Forest have a restraining order against him.

Death

When he dies, he will return to the Planes of Ephysiyies as being similar to a spirit or demigod. After that he will probably come back again when he is needed.

Forty years ago, Usidore pretended to be dead, but said something before his head was cut off.

At one point Usidore had turned into a vampire and "died" when the monster hunter Simon Lemmington Bartholomew absorbed his soul into his amulet, the Stone of Azrael. But Usidore was only dead for a moment, as the vampiric elements were pulled from his body, freeing him from the curse. His essence was able to coalesce, escape, and awake in his bed at a direct 90° angle. He then returned as Usidore the Slightly Lighter Blue after washing his robe.

Quest to Defeat the Dark Lord

Usidore is obsessed with the quest to stop the Dark Lord. He spends a lot of time trying to gather anyone and everyone to join him on this quest, but has not been very successful. Currently his assets include:

Arnie and Chunt, finally joined after realizing how dire the situation is, but seemed to have reneged on this. Later, after Usidore's return from the dead, they officially joined his quest.

Usidore also believes that because of a vague prophecy about a warrior from another world, Arnie is somehow fated to help him defeat the Dark Lord.

Magic

Usidore's magic tends to be underwhelming, but he does seem to have some abilities. As a blue wizard, his is magic is created by the interplay between light and shadow. For example, sometimes that means his magical delights are created from the souls of the murdered. Usidore can truly manipulate "light and shadow", making what Arnie describes as similar to a "Pink Floyd laser light show".

As a wizard, Usidore has the innate ability to enter the "wizard state" where he mumbles nonsense quietly to himself. It is unclear what the purpose or effect of the wizard state is. He also appears to sometimes enter what Chunt has termed the "pouty state".

Abilities

When Usidore is extremely scared, he can turn into a broomstick — bristles not included.41 The broomstick can even be chopped up into many Usidores that will speak in unison and turn back into one person as they sleep.

Usidore has also displayed the following abilities:

  • He can conjure images with some goat’s blood
  • He conjured a horse and a bull, but they were very, very small.
  • Attempted to conjure a metal horse with three buttholes, but made a butthole with three horses instead
  • When he tried to create a wall of fire, he only managed to light four candles.
  • Has some mastery of basic spells such as Illuminate (cast as "GELIEV LICHTN KAMER!") and Darken
  • Can make magical images when smoking pipe weed
  • Can cast "miniscule lightning", which powers Arnie's laptop
  • Can speak insect speak
  • Is friends with and can summon the Great Animal Lords of Foon, including the eagles and Grimhoof, the fifth fastest horse in the realm
  • Can make food sentient, as he did with Gorgeous
  • Flew around the Vermilion Minotaur
  • Like all wizards, cannot be harmed by stabbing
  • When he awakes from sleep, he immediately bolts 90 degrees upright
  • Can cast a brief deep sleep spell that does not work on Goblins42
  • Wipes his butt in a figure eight pattern with corncobs
  • Claims he remembers anything he eats, e.g. a written riddle or poem, but Chunt thinks he's just reading off crib notes
  • Fought (but forgot to kill) the Dark Dragon of Selfor43
  • Performed a body-swap between Blemish and 52 Sentient Sacks of Flour
  • Performed what may have been a "wet spell" (the opposite of a dry spell) on Chunt
  • Caused robins as a species to spontaneously exist in Foon, with the help of Spintax
  • Like Jyn'Leeviyah the Red, he has enchanted food to look and act like him for the purpose of tricking her. They apparently do this back and forth to each other regularly
  • Can enter the astral plane, where he sometimes has dates with Jyn'Leeviyah
  • Can shrink himself down small enough to fit into his own hat

Possessions

Usidore obtained his wand by tearing off a branch of a tree, using incantations to imbue it with magical powers, then taking it to the local magistrate and waiting three days.

He usually carries his trusty staff and sword with him. His staff is made from birch, with a hexatite crystal at the top. Usidore also owns a ton of staves.

Usidore has several overdue books from the Great Halls of Terr'akkas. These include:

  • Makin' It Rain and 49 Other Weather-Based Spells You Can Do At home
  • Incantations from Alakazam to Zoobeleezoo
  • You Can't Change it Back, Think Before You Spell
  • Leaky Wands and Other Telltale Signs of WD (Wizard Dysfunction)
  • So You're a Depressed Wizard
  • Spintax the Unauthorized Biography
  • Handmaidens of Blurf
  • Handmaidens of Blurf: Felicia's Erotic Journey
  • Handmaidens of Blurf: The Dragon Cock Chronicles
  • Eat, Prey, Love

Rocks

Usidore will often give people rocks and claim that they have magical powers. Arnie is very skeptical about the efficacy of these rocks, but at least one rock has actually worked. The rocks Usidore has given includes:

  • A magic rock secreted onto a Soul Walker which would "eventually defeat him"
  • Wishing rock, given to Pinglet
  • Resonance stone, given to Otok Barleyfoot
  • A crocodile rock, given to Chunt while in a crocodile form

Communication

You can communicate with Usidore by:

  • Write him a message on a piece of parchment and attach it to a raven
  • Speaking his name into a mirror three times (however, he doesn't always check his mirror)
  • Pricking your finger with a rose and dropping the blood into a still pool of water
  • Whispering into an acorn, burying it into the ground, and weeping into the ground where it is buried
  • Writing in goat's blood upon parchment and setting the letter aflame
  • Find an eel, devour it live, then dream of Usidore. In the dream, the eel will leave your body and its astral projection will travel to Usidore
  • Peering into the very dark depths of your partner's eyes and wishing as hard as you can
  • Digging a grave and burying yourself in this grave and speaking the words of the Pandenomicon backwards and thinking about how much you hate Spintax
  • Speak to a raven, tell it your deepest, darkest secret, kill the raven, take out its heart, bury it deep beneath the earth, build a house over where you buried the heart, live in that house for thirty years, and then burn the house to the ground; the smoke of that flame will reach Usidore
  • Sleeping through the night, waking in the morning, writing a letter down, and sending it through the emails that Chunt and Arnie already read44
  • Fast for 6 days, then throw yourself under a canvas sheet. In there, burn incense and create steam upon rocks until you sweat and hallucinate, then pull the canvas sheet off of you. Stare at the clouds, and when you see a cloud that looks like Usidore, speak your secret wishes
  • Cut your own finger by pricking it with a rose bush's thorn, dip that blood over the paper on which you have written your name and your deepest desire. Set that paper aflame, and Usidore will hear your wish
  • Twotting him on Twitter

Music and Literature

The Elves have a school yard rhyme about Fi'ang Yalok:

When you walk the forest dear friends
be weary of Fi'ang Yalok.
His manor is bold, off-putting at best,
and his sense of humour phallic.
If he invites you to go on a quest,
the ending will surely be tragic.
Deny his request, whatever you do.
That asshole barely knows magic.

Mirror Realms

Usidore has an evil counterpart on a mirror world named Usidore the Black.

Notes

  • Loves birds, and loves them so much he even eats them. He will even swallow an egg whole.
  • Lives on top of a hill. The hill is named "Slippery Slope"
  • Has a pet cat named Azeezel. She comes and goes as she pleases and hates The Smorps as much as Usidore does.
  • He sells morglorb, but makes sure to give people who purchase it a stern lecture about how dangerously addictive it is
  • Glenn Miller accused Usidore of cutting his morglorb with Miracle Whip instead of mayonnaise
  • Very quickly made it through one loop of the Endless Tower while chasing the maiden Seemliyah
  • Turned his friend Harrison into a bookcase, then checked a book out to learn how to turn him back, and when he couldn't, just turned the book into Harrison
  • Is a chef at Chu Chu's Chow
  • Is an avid Offices & Bosses player, and often played the game while in Terr'akkas to escape the drudgery of magic. His role-playing character is John Bastion, a marketing manager.
  • Has listened to the first season of Serial and believes that Adnan is innocent.
  • Hates dandelions the most out of all flowers.
  • His favorite drinks are a stout and sturdy mead, a delicious and hoppy ale, and a rainbow bowl.
  • Has a small crack his soul thanks to speaking the Dark Lord's name aloud.
  • Does not like Orcs or starlings.
  • Apparently "Fi’ang Yalok" is not an uncommon name in Foon; the Memory Gremlin shares this name.
  • Is often riding Choad, a wide horse he obtained from Rocky Cocodino the Used Horse Salesman. Usidore shouts "Come, Choad!" when mounting him.
  • Has a flip top cap on his penis that makes a snapping sound, but Chunt thinks he may just be uncircumcised.
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