Winter Solstice is in the heart of winter on Foon, and has many different holidays associated with it.
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Table of Contents
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Holidays in Foon
Chris-Must
Chris is a horrible person, absolutely the worst. On Chris-Must, Chris must do anything you ask him to. People hate Chris so much, they think of the most horrible things possible for Chris to do. Some people believe it to be a myth, but on Chris-Must Eve Chris travels to every house in Foon on his magical sleigh.
Glenn Miller and Spants teach Arnie a cheery Christ-Must song in "Winter Solstice".
Well, we're celebrating our Chris-Must where Chris must do everything we ask him
Celebrating our Chris-Must where Chris must…
Gunderstein
Gunderstein has long been celebrated in the far North West of Foon in the small village of Gunder and surrounding areas, and has recently become more popular in other parts of Foon. During the holiday, people carry mallets they use to hit each other on the head, to commemorate the the defeat of the first Dark Lord. On the third Blernsday Eve the towns people meet and throw fruit at each other. Whoever eats the most fruit without being knocked unconscious is the Caretaker of All Fruit for the rest of winter, but must give everyone a sincere compliment. Once a century a child appears on the town Gunderstump and predicts the weather for the next century, with middling accuracy.1
It appears that the Mysterious Man celebrates Gunderstein.2
HAGBM
During the Winter Solstice, the Great Blue Tigers celebrate HAGBM where they Help A Greedy Business Man by showing him visions of his life. Each of the tigers represents a concept of time: Cerulean is the Great Blue Tiger of the Past, Azure is of the Present, and Sapphire was of the Future. When the surviving Great Blue Tigers visit the tavern in "Blue Chris-Must", they decide that Arnie is this year's greedy businessman and endeavour to show him the error of his ways. They call upon Can the Wizard to assist in their deceased sister's absence, resulting in Arnie being temporarily buried alive.
HAGBM is not to be confused with Hag's Bum, which provides the opportunity to dispose of unwanted Winter Solstice gifts by allowing you to ask if you can shove the gift up a hag's bum.
Hanukkah
Hanukkah is celebrated by the Jewish population in Foon. Though it is a minor Jewish holiday, it gets more attention as it occurs around the time of the Winter Solstice.
Hollerdays
A holiday devoted to screaming. The main song is "Hollerdays".
Juanukkah
Juan is a cobbler and the brother of Two-Toe Juan.
Shiftmas
Shiftmas is a holiday celebrated by shapeshifters, where you try to shapeshift as much as possible (and therefore have as much sex as possible). Shiftmas takes place over a one-month span.
Vilipikitini
Vilipikitini is a southern tradition celebrated in the Foonish Isles by the Filipini celebrated by having drinks with little umbrellas in them and wearing garlands of flowers and human ears.
Seven-Swans-A-Swimming
Swans actually don't swim much, just float, but during the seven days of Swans-A-Swimming more and more swans congregate each day to pull coral off the floor of lakes.
Black Friday
The day after the Big Feast at the start of the solstice season, black people can go to white peoples houses and request gifts, if there are no gifts they can just take something. White people know why.3
Side-Bird Monday
A day when you're supposed to remember your bird-on-the-side.
Honda Days
Hondas are a cheap, basic animal that have many uses in Foon. Honda salesmen really need to clear out inventory before new Honda's are born in spring.4
SmugBug
The day of the year when insects don formal attire and show off for each other.
Seasons Bleedings
The annual blood sacrifice Centaurs offer to their Centaur God, involving raiding, murder, & pillage.5
Music and Poetry
Quiet Night
Quiet Night is a song about goblins and ghouls returning from their holiday. It is a wonderful way to celebrate the Winter Solstice and warn children about their impending doom.6
Quiet night, snowy night, all the trees are softly glistening
Peaceful night, wondrous night, and the ghouls are always listening
They will come, don't you run, that will only make it difficult
Quiet night, if you fight your attempts will fail, you're pitifulQuiet night, snowy night, if you think you're faster than a ghoul
Peaceful night, wondrous night, you should perish 'cause you're such a fool
They will come, don't you run, they will catch you almost instantly
Quiet night, if all is right, they will get you in your infancyQuiet night, quiet night, la la la, la la la la la la
Peaceful night, wondrous night, la la la, la la la la la la
The Raining of the Deer
A poem written by Glenn Miller to introduce a song about the flying deer that plague Foon.
A cycle of dysfunction as the avocado rots
An angel sings vibrato to turds in chamber pots
The darkest days of the year are here, it's nearly non-stop night
When nocturnal wild wingèd deer fill the sky with shiteTheir blood-red bulbous noses precede their demon screams
They eat poop and poop roses, which is not as cool as it seems
They fuck each other in midair with deer dongs, antlers, hoofs
Their favorite food is underwear; they piss upon our roofsSo we kill them
A cull, a kill, a million will perish all until
Cherish the brave hunters of these garish ghouls of illWe hang falser under garments in the meadows and the brooks
Decoys for the varmints with their venomous antler hooks
They come to eat our panties, but instead we serve them lead
Our crossbows from our shanties aimed squarely at their heads"Hang your panties from the tree," the little children sing
For every deer you shoot, you see, a venison pie I bring
And I cry, "Deer penis pie!"
It rolls outwardly off the tongue and doth inwardly satisfyAnd I can't recall if I shot six deer in six days when I was twelve
Or twelve deer in twelve days when I was six
"No matter of import," I say
"Just bring me twelve deer dicks."Flash me back Hawai'an sand
The fairest dish in all the land
The Deer's Dong
Chunt and Usidore assist Glen Miller and Spants in singing about the deer. There are hundreds of traditional lyrics. According to Usidore, the deer are said to be a gift from the goddess Foo, as disgusting as they are. She sent them so that, when food was scarce in the hard winter months, there were reindeer to eat through the season, especially their penises.
GLENN MILLER: The deer's dong in hand bear I
Mixed with mint and rosemaryALL: Flatulency funion Foon
Eat that penis with a spoonUSIDORE: Feed the garden garrison
With the phallic venisonALL: Flatulency funion Foon
Eat that penis with a spoonCHUNT: I'm aroused, my dick did lift
Unless we fuck, I won't shapeshiftALL: Flatulency funion Foon
Eat that penis with a spoonSPANTS: Grab a deer and slap its ass
The shove a big silly bass into its ass after you've slapped itALL: Flatulency funion Foon
Eat that penis with a spoon
Welcome Winter Solstice
The following song welcomes the Winter Solstice into one's home, but also allows a cathartic release for familial stresses of the season.
We welcome you, dear Winter Solstice
We will be your host and hostess
Come on in and wipe your shoes
Before you even fucking think about walking on our brand new hardwood floorsCome in, come in, dear soul of winter
Warm yourself, I'll light the tinder
Have a drink, one of your choosing
But if you don't put a fucking coaster down it's going to create a ring and I swear to the goddesses of Foon I will not let you leave until you buy me a new table, so you can either buy me a brand new fucking table or just put a coaster down, it's up to youNow just relax, dear winter bringer
Stay right there, don't lift a finger
Have a pipe
But don't even fucking think about about smoking that on my white leather couch
Get your ass up, put your fucking shoes on, walk at least two blocks away before you even light that shit
I am serious: make sure you walk north so the winds carry it away from the house — away from this house!
I can't stand the smell of smoke and I'm 99% certain the kids are allergic to it
After you're done, you can strip down right where you are, roll your naked body in the snow until you think you've rubbed all the smell off, then you can walk your naked ass back to the house
Then you can re-enter through the basement doors — the basement doors!
There are towels in the utility closet to the right of the entryway, there's soap in there, clean yourself up
Do not even dare think - do not even dare think - about coming back into my living room without being perfectly clean
I've worked hard for my money and if you think for even a second…
Hollerdays Song
Usidore describes this song as a wonderful release.
It's that special time of year again
Our favourite time is here, my friends
So grab the ones you love and don't be lateIt's a special time for you and me
So come on down so happily
And help the world of Foon to celebrateHollerdays! Hollerdays! Hollerdays! Hollerdays! Hollerdays!